Now I'm Nearly Angry.
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Caribou- The Pixies
Topic: Hiya




Evening,

I am working up to a state of homicidal fury regarding irritating work colleague. I hate him. I wish him dead. I wish his family dead. I want to dig his parents up and throw stones at them for giving birth to the cunt. The man is a walking advertisement for abortion.

This morning I arrived at work, went into the kitchen and started making tea and toast for my breakfast. Can you guess what he said? No? It was as follows; 'making toast?' Naturally I denied it. Later on I popped out for a fag. It was no good, he found me and said 'smoking?' which I denied with smoke billowing out my mouth. I am starting to dread work because of this man. He made some hilarious (only to him) quip, which I have managed to block from my mind, the other day. I responded by totally blanking him and making a phone call. He didn't stop talking. They have laws about sexual harassment, why not this form of torture?

His wife has kicked him out recently which has made him even more cheerful, fully confirming my suspicion that he is fucking his daughter. I've seen the way they speak to each other. It's disgusting! My father doesn't go about saying he loves me and touching me in public or in private, for that matter, but that freak and his daughter are like a pair of inbred newlyweds. This man is a pervert and no-one believes me! It's an outrage!

He has been forbidden to touch me. He put his hand on my shoulder once for reasons unclear to me. I responded by explaining that I could get my dad, my brother, my boyfriend and a selection of my junkie clients down to the work to 'have a word' with him, before I grass him up for harassment or he could remove his hand from my shoulder. He started wittering on about 'women nowadays' and seemed genuinely put out when I responded that I could think of no period in history when women would have welcomed him touching them.

On the bright side I received news of my pay rise today.


Cheerio.

The Funniest Blog On The Internet/ Old Firm Hell
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Do Somethin'-Britney Spears
Topic: Hiya
Evening,

I've been trapped at home most of the day. I was up and dressed and on the verge of going out when I heard the dread phrase 'today's Old Firm derby' from the television. Normally it's quite pleasant round my way but any significant footballing event involving Celtic turns the place into a sea of broken glass, piss, vomit and half-witted sectarian chanting.

What is this fixation with the Provisional IRA all about? They're rubbish and haven't done anything remotely impressive since the fantastic Brighton bombing. OK so Thatcher was unharmed but they did their best. Other than that it's all been random and pointless attacks on innocent members of the public. Which, as far as I can make out has only achieved a 'wee pretendy parliament' which Scotland managed to achieve without blowing up any Saturday afternoon shoppers and our's has more power. So there we go, people of Northern Ireland copy us, just moan constantly and vote Labour like a big herd of idiot sheep and you'll be free of the British in no time.

I often wonder what would happen if a load of Muslims took to the streets and started shouting pro Al Qaeda slogans. I don't think they would receive quite the same tolerant response that Celtic fans get when voicing their support of the Provisional IRA. Similarly if they started singing songs about being up to the knees in infidel blood, I don't think it would be regarded in quite the same way as Rangers fans claiming to be 'up to the knees in Fenian blood'. I suspect a lynch mob would form within minutes. I also suspect that a fair few would find themselves under house arrest as part of the ongoing erosion of civil rights, oops sorry, war on terror.

All that said I still think Jack McConnell's war on sectarianism is pretty pointless when it comes to dealing with Old Firm post match violence. I'm no football expert, but I believe it's normal for fans of rival clubs to batter each other senseless whenever possible.

Anyway as I write they're being quite pleasant and well behaved outside and are treating us all to a charming rendition of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' which could only be improved if they learned all the words rather than just repeat the chorus over and over.

On a happier note I have found the best and funniest blog on the net. It's called Chase Me Ladies and is a piss yourself hilarious joy. There isn't a duff post on it. It's ten times better than this shite and I order you all to read it now.

Cheerio.

I Am Big. It's The Internet That Got Small!
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Tennessee Stud-Johnny Cash
Topic: Hiya



Fuck me! Sian and I have something in common! Her best mate Tasha has organised a belly dancing hen night but Sian hates the idea. I know how she feels.
I loathe 'wacky look at me public dancing'. A nice bit of professional quality belly dancing is great, but a load of drunken bloaters wobbling about on a hen night is just wrong. Anyway for the full cat fight and huff click here.

I made what I now realise is the fatal error of adding a 'Who Links To Me?' thing to my page. Who Links To Me? Fucking no-one! Grrrr! It's official I am the internet's most unpopular blog. The indignity! The shame! I wouldn't mind it so much if I inspired hatred or outrage. Alas no, I am obscure rather than obscene. Almost total public indifference is my lot. In an attempt to unleash a media circus, the like of which hasn't been seen since the paparazzi claimed Diana, I have joined
a blog traffic exchange programme. I feel worse than ever. In order to earn credits which in turn are converted into blog traffic I have to look at other peoples blogs. Most other blogs seem to be about what the blogger had for breakfast or their next door neighbour's driveway or in one distressing case the flatulence caused by an egg sandwich she'd eaten. In fact every minute detail of their lives. These blogs have people that link to them. Why? My blog is apparently less interesting than an account of a librarian cutting their toenails on a Tuesday. The shame! People have hanged themselves over less.

So there we are in the last week I have discovered that my sparring partner likes his family better than me, one of my exes has a more popular blog and is richer than me, Sian has done something I can't sneer at and I have the worst blog on the whole of the internet. At least when no-one at school liked me I could comfort myself with the fact that only a tiny percentage of the world's population were involved and they were all cunts.

But for my four readers who are probably forced to read me as torture in Guantanamo Bay here's the happy bit at the end. Fred called Roy a 'peevish, constipated roundhead' on Coronation St earlier this evening and that makes me laugh.

Cheerio.

I want Drink.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Is That All There Is?-Peggy Lee
Topic: Hiya
Evening,
I'm writing again through sheer boredom. Always a recipe for a bad post. The shocking secrets of Michael Jacksons bedroom either weren't revealed on the news or I'd nodded off. However we have discovered that his dining room contains up to five drunk children at a time.

Later in the evening I became very serious and watched The Government Inspector on Channel Four. A very sad drama indeed, the one moment of total hilarity being Tony Blair strumming on his electric guitar whilst talking to Alistair Campbell on the phone. I can just imagine that wanker Blair doing that. I bet he wears a backwards baseball hat and raps when his teenage son's pals come round just to show how hip he is. Although it may have been better if Blair had pursued a career in music. I have no doubt a Blair music career would be nothing short of a toe curling embarrassment- imagine Cliff Richard masquerading as Keith Richards. No don't it's too awful. But all that aside at least he couldn't' have invaded Iraq- and if he had you'd have to admire any rock star capable of starting a war.

Beverley pissing Knight! She has just appeared on TV to explain that young single women regard politics as an older mans game and only care about single issues. This is a live action post! She has now just revealed that when shes y'know um talking with her uh girlfriends and someone mentions a y'know political like issue they all think of old men. That must be interesting.
Q- What do you think of Britain's entry into the Euro?
A- I'll let you know when I stop thinking about J.R Hartley from the old Yellow Pages advert.

Oh dear. Would it surprise you to learn I am not amused? Who the fuck appointed her as spokesbird? She is claiming to speak for young single women with no children. Perhaps she does? In which case I can now reveal that young single women with no children are empty headed muppets with all the personality of a regional TV newsreader. The voice of young women! What effrontery Ms Knight!

Righty ho I'm off now to look at the fiver I found under the couch.

You should click here.

Im Back
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Hatful of Hollow- The Smiths
Topic: Hiya
Yes finally after a whole raft of pc problems I am back. I cannot imagine how you've coped without me.
I have news and updates which I shall discuss in more detail in my next entry. In the meantime Hello to my devoted reader Mr Alisdair.