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Top of the British Blogs
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Cheerio

Hankies at the ready, this will be my final post.....on this blog. Yes after nearly a year of being driven to despair by the length of time it takes to open a fucking page on this blog, I have decided to move to the wonderful one-click world of blogger.

If any of you kind people who have linked to me over the last year would still like to link to my page please amend your link to;



Posted by Clairwil at 9:18 PM BST
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Cheer Up, Madonna Reckons We're All Going To Hell!
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Theft

Evening you miserable sinners!

You snivelling sin addled wretches are all going to hell. Well, thats according to Madonna. In case any of you are confused this is the Madonna that used to delight audiences around the world with her remarkable displays of harlotry, not Jesus' mother who is a respected authority on such matters.

I'm as broad minded as the next man, I accept that people change as they get older but I must say I preferred Madonna when she used to bang on about sex and religion all the time. It was a laugh. Now that she's dropped the sex, the religious stuff just seems a bit... um... mental.

Imagine if a tramp stopped you in the street and said this: "I refer to an entity called 'The Beast'. I feel I am describing the world that we live in right now. To me 'The Beast' is the modern world that we live in." You'd fire a bit of loose change at him and then run like fuck. In short I suspect poor Madonna may be in need of professional help. Ponder the evidence, she married Guy Ritchie apparently willingly, she sometimes talks with a faux English accent and sometimes a real American one, sometimes she wants people to call her Esther, other times Madonna and she thinks we're all going to hell. There is a schizophrenic that comes into my work from time to time and when they start talking like that their medication is altered and all is well until the next time. Instead people seem to be positively encouraging Madonna to make a buffoon of herself by affecting to take this twaddle seriously.

What worries me more is that she has access to guns at her English mansion. Fuck going to see her live.


Posted by Clairwil at 9:17 PM BST
Updated: 17/10/05 9:25 PM BST
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Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Anger Is An Energy.

Public Meeting details: 6.45 pm, Thursday 20 October 2005, STUC Headquarters, 333 Woodlands Road, Glasgow G3.

Speakers include: Peter Mullan, Robina Qureshi, Politicians, friends and neighbours and school friends of the Vucaj family.

To confirm your attendance, email home@paih.org.

Peter Mullan, Glasgow’s award winning actor and director, will lead the launch of a new campaign designed to return the recently deported Vucaj family back to Glasgow and Scotland.

Called “They belong to Glasgow” Campaign, Mullan will introduce a film and speak about his recent trip to Albania to meet the Vucaj family at a public meeting to be held at 6.45 pm on Thursday 20th October 2005 in the Scottish Trade Union Centre, Woodlands Road, Charing Cross, Glasgow G3.

Footage of the trip and an interview with 13 year old Saida Vucaj will be shown and Peter will be joined by politicians from across the political spectrum and young friends of Saida, Elvis and Nimet from Drumchapel, Glasgow.

The campaign objective is the safe return of the Vucaj family by any legal means possible.

Robina Qureshi, Director of Positive Action in Housing, who led the recent Albanian trip jointly with Peter Mullan on 9-12 October, said today:

“These children have lived in Glasgow for five years. Saida was only seven when she arrived. She is now 13 and her and her two brothers, Elvis (18) and Nimet (16) consider themselves Glaswegian and Scottish. We are determined to organise their safe return to our city where they were welcomed and educated. I plead to First Minister Jack McConnell and Scotland’s Parliament to help them to return. This is their home, not Albania. Saida, in particular, is in danger. Child trafficking for prostitution is rife in Northern Albania where they have been returned to. We need them back now before it’s too late.”

Peter Mullan added:

“Saida, Nimet and Elvis Vucaj belong to Glasgow. They think like Glaswegians, they talk like Glaswegians. They have been forcibly kidnapped from us and transplanted into a country that can best be described as pre-industrial. Their new home is an empty hovel on a Northern Albanian mountain that was ransacked in their absence and is the direct line of a major sex trafficking route leaving them unspeakably vulnerable. These young Glaswegian kids have been taken from us and abandoned to a life of unimaginable despair. One of the few men who remain of the village stepped forwards to the kids when we were with them and asked what they were doing there. The kids said they didn’t know - they were Scottish. He opened up a weird toothless smile and said “You must go. Stay here and you die”. All we ask is that these children are brought back to the only home that they know, Glasgow!”

Meeting details: 6.45 pm, Thursday 20 October 2005, STUC Headquarters, 333 Woodlands Road, Glasgow G3.

All I have to add to the above is that we have stacks of room in Glasgow and I'd like to keep the Vucaj's, they seem like a nice bunch.


Posted by Clairwil at 4:12 AM BST
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Clairwil Is Not In The Nude For Dancing.
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Baffled

I expect all you young folk about town think there is nothing worse than being too hot in a night club. Well there is, much worse. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you STARKERS!.

I'm truly baffled by nudism, more so in a club setting. There you are jigging away when your eye alights on a likely conquest only to glance down and note they are hung like a mouse or their nipples bounce off their kneecaps as they dance. That type of disappointment is okay when you've got them home and in your drunken state have begun to think of them as a great wit, but if you see the whole package upfront, you're not going to go any further. I can't see the attraction in it.

Moving on, you will be relieved to hear that the ruler of 'The Lost Mertonian' responded to my heartfelt appeal and has joined my mischief. There is still room at the mischief for more magpies. If any lurkers fancy writing a post a week for us, make yourselves known.

Finally, I fell asleep when I got home from work and didn't wake up until eleven. Now I cannot sleep and have been condemned to blog the night away. Hence the post at this ungodly hour.


Posted by Clairwil at 3:32 AM BST
Updated: 15/10/05 3:45 AM BST
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Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya

My boyfriend has forbidden to mention him on my blog. Oh dear! My boyfriend is afflicted with that disease, so prevalent amongst the shy, of thinking that everyone is obsessively interested in them. So thats it, I will not mention my boyfriend on this blog or oven so much as think about him during a post. No more exciting stories about my boyfriend and his madcap antics on this blog. I realise this will be a devastating blow to all of you who spend your lives wondering what my boyfriend is up to. To that end I will be starting a new blog called 'We need to know everything about Clairwil's boyfriend' to keep you up to date. I may also start another blog entitled ' I never took the slightest bit of notice when parents told me to do something, so you've nae chance you fucking lunatic'.

Other than that I've little to report so I'll leave you with an appeal to a reader.

I'd love this fellow, The Lost Mertonian to join my merry band of magpies but I can't find an e-mail address on his blog.

Lost, if you're reading this get in touch.


Posted by Clairwil at 11:30 PM BST
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Gender Fuck Me Baby's Palace Of Unparalleled Cynicism
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Modern Way- Kaiser Chiefs
Topic: Aimless Post

Good evening,

I decided to google myself or rather my blog in an idle moment and came across the best name for... well anything really. Gender Fuck Me Baby's Palace Of Unparalleled Cynicism is a website ruled by someone by the name of Gashgirl. I mad as a horse! Why in the name of God did I not think of that name first? I would steal it but Gashgirl looks a tough lass and I'm feart. Not to worry when I'm as rich as Croesus and dictator of the first world government I'll steal the name for my parliament.

I was very excited to get an e-mail offering me the chance to teach English on a voluntary basis to a gaggle of asylum seekers. By the time I'm finished they will all talk like me, which for some reason I find rather funny. There is also the other benefit of working with asylum seekers- the food. I'm sure there are asylum seekers that can't cook and don't want to feed me, but I haven't met many and I hope I don't.

Finally my 'Mischief Of Magpies has expanded to include some very welcome new contributors. There is still room for more, if anyone is interested and that includes a a certain gentleman who hasn't yet responded to my kind invitation.


Posted by Clairwil at 10:30 PM BST
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Clairwil Fights An Executive Chair
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Season Of The Witch- Donovan
Topic: Hiya


Have you ever sat in fascinated horror watching a really bad comedian making a dull series of cliched jokes about pants and buses? No? Well you have a choice, either track down a video of Alan Davies or keep reading this post.

I have had a run in with flat pack furniture. Before I continue, let me debunk a few myths. All the relevant parts were present and correct, as indeed they always are when I buy cheapo flat pack. The instructions were in simple clear English, not Arabic or Japanese, but simple English of the sort that could be readily understood by a five year old of average reading ability. Even without the help of the instructions it was obvious where everything went.

When my new chair was being ordered I giggled, I ranted, I shrieked, I behaved like a loon and demanded the 'Executive' chair. I saw it in the catalogue and fell in love with the sexy, big, black leather monster. People tried to reason with me, they showed me red chairs, pink chairs, patterned chairs but to no avail. 'Respect my authority, get the the executive, I demanded.' Unfortunately they did. Readers be very careful what you wish for.

Now, having met the wretched thing I hate it. Two hours of my fucking life wasted fighting with the merciless seat. The bloody monstrosity just would not stay still whilst I assembled it, worse still every time it moved (roughly three times a second) it made a noise akin to a flatulent pig. Thank fuck the person assisting me was deaf otherwise I'd have been forced to acknowledge the undignified racket and issue denials. The only drop of comfort I can draw from the whole unfortunate episode is that it isn't even real leather. For the death of a cow to have resulted in the production of such a foul and wicked item would have been too much for me bear.


Posted by Clairwil at 10:30 PM BST
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Clairwil Goes Mad With Boredom
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Colorado Springs- Sack
Topic: Dear God I am so bored.


A rather uneventful weekend to round of an uneventful week. I had the builders in on Saturday morning for all of two seconds. I have never been so surprised in all my life. They walked in looked at the vast gaping hole in my ceiling and said 'oh thats a shame', whispered to each other and then said 'right that's us' and left.

Call me naive, but I had faith in builders until yesterday, perhaps because I'd never had any proper dealings with them. In fact I tend to avoid them due to their habit of hanging off scaffolding shouting at everything in a skirt. I was ten the first time that happened, if only there had been the same fuss about kiddie fiddling then that there is now, I'd have had the lot of them lynched.

Moving on Steve has written a very good post about Robbie Williams' comments on the Kate Moss scandal. So good in fact that I have nothing to add to it, except to state that I never thought I'd say 'I agree entirely with Robbie Williams' and mean it.

Finally I have news of a new blog. It is called 'A Mischief Of Magpies' and it needs you, yes you. As the kind and benevolent ruler of this new blog I am graciously allowing other people to contribute. I have e-mailed several people and am awaiting their responses with baited breath. If any lurkers that I haven't e-mailed would like to be involved, let me know and I'll forward you the details.


Posted by Clairwil at 10:32 PM BST
Updated: 09/10/05 10:40 PM BST
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Oh God!
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Aimless Post
Good Evening,

It's been a rather uneventful few days notable only for this being the week I lost all interest in politics. I used to be a political fiend. It distressed me to see all these buffoons trying to run the show and making an arse of it, when I'd do it so much better. I will now strive to know nothing about politics and world events. I did that by taking rather a lot of drugs in the early nineties. It was great. I know virtually nothing about what happened at that time to the extent that the Bosnian war is a total mystery to me. Mind you, I followed the run up to the present war avidly and they still went ahead despite my objections. The arrogant bastards.

I just feel so despondent about politics at present. This government are becoming increasingly nasty, authoritarian and arrogant and only about five people seem to mind about it. Come the election the great unwashed of Glasgow will trundle out and vote Labour because their parents did.

Over the last few months in work I have been attending meetings with a local councillor. I concede the man is very funny but only because he is an idiot with an odd obsession with chocolate biscuits. He can barely string a comprehensible sentence together. He is unfit to hold public office for so many reasons. Yet he has a gigantic majority. Why? What's the attraction in him?

Oh God! Why has that fucking woman just appeared on my telly. Yes It's the pun queen Kathy Lette. I fucking hate that monstrosity. I don't mind the odd pun or as Kathy would have it I like a bit of punnilingus. ARRRRGH! I want to feed her head first through a paper shredder screaming 'poor puns are not wit'. The poor Vucaj family get deported yet that fucking boot Lette is allowed to remain here. There is no justice!

Bloody hell! Who'd have thought Kathy Lette would revive my interest in politics?


Posted by Clairwil at 11:24 PM BST
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What Are You In Your Present Life?
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya

I am currently 'strangely compelling' like a cult leader.

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange.

But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

Posted by Clairwil at 7:21 PM BST
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