My Trip to The Country.
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Hardly Wait-PJ Harvey
Topic: The Bein Inn



Those of you paying attention will note that I was being whisked off to a secret rural location for lunch by my parents today. As ever the reality was somewhat different and rather than being whisked we inched through heavy traffic to The Bein Inn in Glenfarg.

Prior to arriving we were almost killed by a pair of suicidal pensioners driving like unpredictable maniacs. Their registration was OIL 3929.If you see this car run it off the road, slash it's tyres or blow it up. Just stop these menaces now. My dad was all for hopping out the car and creating a road rage incident and for a moment I nearly had a family and a blog to rival Sian's.

Anyway how can I describe The Bein Inn? Apparently all sorts of famous people have lunched, slept and performed there. The fact that Pentangle were playing tomorrow and The Strawbs next week undermined this assertion somewhat for me.

On entering the bar I was instantly overwhelmed by the overpowering stench of polish which seemed to be coming from a single barmaid. I am unsure how that happened and can only assume she put on furniture polish instead of deodorant that morning.

The weirdness continued when we were then advised that we couldn't get lunch as they don't serve food before five o'clock. In our bewilderment we ordered a round of drinks and planned our next move. My auntie got a bit misty eyed wondering if we were sitting on chairs once occupied by Bob Dylan or Eric Clapton. Knowing my fucking luck I was probably sat on Mark Knophler's chair (another alleged former resident of the deeply odd inn).

The carpeted toilets were the final straw and we fled to Stirling and had a very nice dinner at Pancho Villas.

Finally you will note that I have placed a picture of Jesus on my blog today. There are a number of reasons for this the first being, that I feel I have been neglecting my Christian demographic. Let's hope they forgive me. It is Good Friday after all. Secondly I was thinking about the story of Jesus earlier and wondered what Jesus thinks, when he reflects on his pain and suffering on the cross to save all of mankind, and then is confronted with a creature like our blog scapegoat Sian Willets. Surely even he must have doubts. I am confident that once his dad (God) clocks Sian's blog he'll just casually toss down a thunderbolt and destroy us all.And you really couldn't blame him.

Flock like geese to blog pet Danny Boy's fine blog.

The Headmaster is Watching You.
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Violet-Hole
Topic: Text Grass Hell


I see the nations schoolchildren are to be deprived of the fun and essential release of truanting. It was called 'dogging it' in my day but in these post- Stan Collymore times I think it best to stick to truanting. I really do not want to get a reputation as a sinister underage dogging site.

Anyway to wander back to the point- truanting. I have been made aware by a popular Scottish broadsheet that schools are going to inform parents via text message that their children have not turned up for school.

Teachers are cunts apart from the tiny minority of good ones. They really bring out the worst in me. I support the rights of any other workforce when they strike or protest to improve their pay and conditions but not those twisted, bullying, child hating, fuckpigs. When I am in charge teachers I deem to be good will be put on a very high salary and enjoy good holidays etc but the majority will be paid a penny an hour an publicly flogged for my personal amusement.

It is barbaric to expect bright, intelligent children to endure these idiots without an escape route. I would have gone mad and gunned down half the school if I hadn't taken the odd illicit day off. All these arguments about truanting teenagers getting into trouble are ridiculous. The only children that applies to are the trainee criminals and halfwits of the future who would still be a menace if they were forced to attend school.

When I used to truant I would go to the park for an hour, then mass at eleven (I'm not a Catholic, I just liked the statues) then off to the McLellan galleries or the Mitchell Library. I also used to walk everywhere. So I basically covered all the interesting bits of the curriculum without having to be made to feel like shit by some bitter, twisted, cunt of a teacher or having to worry about some ned kicking my head in. Other than showing a desire to educate myself I really don't feel I was much of a threat to anyone. In fact my forays to the Mitchell Library made me a more responsible and peaceful person.

Example: Me at thirteen- 'I fully support the Provisional IRA and think most of the people they kill probably deserve it for not liking The Smiths as much as me'

Me at Eighteen- 'I am in favour of ending the British occupation of Ireland but do not think terrorism is the best way to achieve it (apart from the Brighton bombing which was hilarious)

You see! My ideas evolved by reading books and thinking for myself. All I ever learned from teachers whose sole aim was to humiliate children and make them feel like shite was hatred and aggression.

FYI- In assembly one day 'Spam'(the headmaster)told us that anyone not computer literate by 2000 would be unemployable. He then went on to tell us that there were only 20 pupils out of a possible 200 in each year allowed to take computer studies. He didn't feel the need to apologise for this and seemed quite happy that 180 pupils in each year would be unemployable after leaving the school he was in charge of. He then went on to state quite seriously that anyone who had more than one day off sick a year was homosexual. Apparently 72% of my year were homosexual. Even the girls!

To conclude this long and rambling post. If I hadn't truanted I would be a terrorist instead of the entirely harmless charity worker I am today. Hurrah!


No Sian news. The lazy fat bitch is either off preparing for the inevitable appearance on Trisha or lying around eating junk food and whining.

Keep saving Danny.

Save Danny Boy!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Heat Wave-Marilyn Monroe
Topic: Give This Man a Job.
Evening,

Once again I am adopting a serious face. I have discovered a blog by a fine young fellow who needs our help. Danny Boy lives in Glasgow and is being slowly destroyed by a frankly rubbish job. This situation cannot be allowed to continue. I like his blog (not in a Sian sneerfest type of way). In my book this makes him worthy of saving. So I want everyone to look out for interesting jobs in Glasgow worthy of our Danny and go to his blog and leave the details for him.

Failing that just go and read it beacuse its very good and I'm sure a few extra hits would put a spring in his step.


Latest Sian news. Mark came home last night and didn't cuddle or kiss her for two hours and her mum wants to get her sectioned.

Sian Update
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Reel Around The Fountain-The Smiths
Topic: A Website!
Hurrah Sian has a home page. Feast your eyes.

This is awful. I'm becoming obsessed but Sian genuinely is the funniest thing I've seen in months.

I Love Sian, Best of all the Idiots.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Strict Machine-Goldfrapp
Topic: The Less Fortunate
The New Blog Song (Sung to the tune of the I Love Horses advert)

I love Sian
best of all
the idiots

I love Sian

Shes my friend

Further to last nights post.I love this blog, I can't leave it alone. I am an addict. She doesn't post regularly but when she does it's beyond belief. How the other half live! Todays post is fantastic. Her dad has punched her and is now refusing to speak to her. Unbelievable!

I Will Never Sneer Again.
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Stupid Girl-Garbage
Topic: The Less Fortunate



For the love of God. In the name of all that is sacred and holy. Look at this blog(author pictured).
The entry for 13/05/04 is particularly choice. Burnt decking, homicidal crabs and the men ordering the women to stay at home whilst they threaten to batter the hapless Simon.

I am incapable of sneering anymore. All my sneering muscles have given up. I went to school with people who all had exactly the same personality as this fool so I shouldn't be surprised. But my God! This blog defies belief.

Is it a send up? Please enlighten me.

A word of warning everyone in this girls life seems to die. There's even been a tragic helicopter crash, so it might be best to avoid contact.

All Hail Queen Camilla
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Sheriff Fatman- Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine
Topic: Aimless Post


Very little to report regarding my own life. I can exclusively reveal that I'm being whisked off to a secret rural location my my parents and auntie on Good Friday for lunch. Beyond that nothing of note has occurred.

I am however delighted to report that Camilla Parker Bowles can in fact become Queen and Prince Charles has been lying to the nation. Or perhaps just shooting his mouth off without checking the facts (how uncharacteristic).

No wonder the current Queen is boycotting the wedding. She must be fizzing mad. Think of all the hard work and effort it took her to get where she is today from starting out as a humble princess and that old tart just fucks her way into the top job.

I note that MI5 are terrifying the nation once more with the news that the Real IRA (not the kiddy on one) are planning to attack. Can I suggest the forthcoming royal wedding as a possible target?
Or perhaps 10 Downing St? At least that way there would be no loss of innocent life.

Please feast your eyes on this charming picture of Tony and George. Is it just me or does Tony look like he's wanking George off under that flag? Oooh come on my nipples cowboy!Yuck.Yuck.Yuck.

Thats all for now. Off you go and read your stars.

What is the Scottish National Anthem?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Charlie is my Darling-Eddi Reader
Topic: Baffled




Good Afternoon,
Whilst swishing about the internet today I stumbled across a news report from November 2004 regarding the Scottish national anthem. Apparently the Scottish parliament are getting to choose it. When is all this being decided? Will their be a phone vote? I demand Robert Burns.

I would also like to declare that if that vile, British, imperialist, sniveling, pro-monarchist, anti-Scottish dirge God Save the Queen gets picked I will track down and slaughter the scummy unionist toadies responsible. Truly that dirge is the worst song ever written. Every time I see teary-eyed halfwits blubbing along to it on TV the red mist descends.

Any nation that stands up for a song with the following lyrics is seriously fucked.

Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.God save the King.

I might be visiting the parliament in Edinburgh shortly with work and if it coincides with the national anthem debate I may have to cause a rumpus in the chamber. So if you happen to see an irate female with a startled MSP in headlock bellowing 'die like dogs unionist scum' and 'hireling traitors' you'll know whats happened.

Cheerio, I'm off to indulge in the simple pleasure of burning a union flag, which given my close proximity to a pub frequented by Celtic fans has got to be good for a few free pints.
The new Scottish anthem in my world.

Lavish Me with Gifts
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: 50ft Queenie-PJ Harvey
Topic: Hi I'm a Beggar
Good Afternoon,
This time next week I'll be thirty and a wise old owl. As such I would like you all to send me gifts which I shall list at the end of this post. Many thanks.

Moving on. I spent this morning reading The Guardian. Hurrah for Boy George! There is an interview with him in The Guide and very funny it is too. Highlights include referring to Rosie O'Donnell as 'that tank of a woman' and 'Elton- all that money and he's still got hair like a dinner lady.' I wouldn't shed a tear if I never heard another Boy George/Culture Club record ever again, but he's good value. Give him his own show.Now. Before it's too late.

Also in todays Guardian is Sharon Osbourne getting a long overdue kicking. What is it with that 'weird
baby voice'? Sinister.

I am cock-a-hoop to hear that a new series of Footballers Wives is due to start and have downloaded a Tanya Turner screen saver to celebrate.

And finally my birthday wishlist...

A Pink ipod mini.
Any of this Vivienne Westwood Jewellery
Flowers
Top Shop Vouchers
Red Wine and Champagne.
Cash
Someone who can tell me where I can download the song 'Don't Marry Uh Huh Her'(not on the album) by PJ Harvey. To the best of my knowledge it was recorded for a Peel Session but not released.

All gifts should be sent here.

From now on call me Jockstrap Jockey
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Caffine Bomb- The Wildhearts
Topic: Thank God
Hello,
I have just discovered that my prison bitch name is Jockstrap Jockey. Discover your prison name here.
A big thank you to the mysterious Mr Lowther who has solved the Showgirls mystery for me. I have learned that the start of even quite awful films can be crucial to following the plot, thus ending my lifelong habit of reading, listening to music and watching TV at the same time.

It's the final Nathan Barley tonight so I'll be watching that. Other than that the weekend promises to be hellish. I've no money, no food (except tea-bags and lentils) and no drink. I've still not located my cheque book and the bank apparently require ten days to issue one, so that rules out a tap from the cheque and pawn. I'm off now to watch Family Affairs and might return for another post later if the boredom gets too much.