Celebrity Overexposure Hell/Boycott Comic Relief!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Superstition-The Kills
Topic: Comic Relief
Would it surprise you to learn that I fucking hate Comic Relief? A whole night of telly ruined and disrupted by a gurning shower of evil, overpaid, moronic, rich scum. It deserves some credit for managing to be more disgusting and pointless than Children in Need which at least has Terry Wogan as it's sole plus point. Dawn Fucking French will no doubt be bouncing around our screens 'I'm fat me!' 'Look Look I'm morbidly obese!' 'I eat chocolate!''I'm fat but I like shagging!' 'oooooh I'm so naughty'-Oh the hilarity! That woman should not be in comedy she should be in a girdle or a large wooden box buried deep in the earths core. Just get her off my telly before I start killing people.

My final word on that witless whale- Is it just me or is it a bit tasteless to have that lard bucket glorying in her unrestrained self indulgence on a programme which raises money for the starving? Or is that the joke? Have I finally 'got' Comic Relief?

It's not that I disapprove of charity, I just resent being told to put my hand in my pocket by a shower of rich, tax evading scum. I wouldn't even mind so much if it was funny but it's ropey, cheap 'will this do' TV.

And now, gasp as I demonstrate my uncanny psychic powers. Robbie Williams performance in the Comic Relief Little Britain special was so desperate, 'everyone look at me' and over the top it ruined a potentially mildly amusing sketch. How do I know this without having seen it? Instinct, pure instinct. Still let's all take a moment to imagine how Gary Barlow feels every time Robbie's idiotic mug appears on telly. I know- it never fails to make me laugh either.

I read in todays Herald that if you type fuckwit into google John Prescott's name comes up. I haven't tried it yet partly because it seems too good to be true and I can't face the disappointment at this time.

So people- tomorrow night boycott Comic Relief donate directly to the charity of your choice and then we can all get some real comic relief as the wacky, 'good sports' presenting this travesty are forced to admit they've only raised a fiver.

Hurray for The Blackshirts!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: In the Flesh-Blondie
Topic: The Daily Mail
Those of you reading yesterday will note that I implied that the Daily Mail might be a teensy weensy bit right wing. Imagine my alarm tinged hilarity on the bus this morning when I came across a review of a book entitled Hurray For The Blackshirts! by a Mr Martin Pugh (Jonathan Cape #20)[BUYBOOKS]. Would it surprise you to learn that the title was purloined from an old Daily Mail editorial?
You mark my words those sinister Nazi swines won't be happy till everyone is either white male and middle class or dead. You have been warned!

On to happier topics ladies and gentlemen I bring you the funniest man in the world.. For the love of God read this blog I laughed out loud. Twice! In two minutes!

A nice young lady, the IRA and the Daily Mail go into a bar.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Covered in Punk- Portobella
Topic: Here is the News
Important news! I have had my existence officially confirmed by a very nice young lady from Edinburgh who left a comment regarding my 'Watch with Mother'
entry. It's nice to see I'm not alone in my alarm at the increasingly yuck nature of daytime TV. I really don't know why the rest of you are so shy, especially you Mr Alisdair!
Anyway the nice young lady from Edinburgh has a blog of her very own which I can recommend Shopping for Girls

On to more serious affairs. Have the provisional IRA gone mad? Honestly what a leap of logic! Sorry about your brother, do you want us to shoot some people? I must admit if it had been a member of my family I'd be sorely tempted to give them the nod.

In fact there are stacks of people I'd like to see shot. I feel a campaign coming on.

We could have a vote to nominate celebrities for the IRA to shoot (all proceeds to charity). It's a win-win situation. We the public get to see the last of Jimmy Carr (for example) and they create a massive distraction from their current troubles and work off a bit of pent up aggression.

I'm going to end up under house arrest if the Home Secretary reads this aren't I?

So in view of the above, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and all that. If any members of the provisional IRA are reading could they please shoot Tony Blair?

And now crime and punishment! Kilmarnock prison- open drug use, chocolate, papers , fags delivered to your cell by warders who don't rattle their keys in case they wake you up.

Can you imagine what the Daily Mail will make of it? ASYLUM SEEKING TEENAGE MUMS SET FIRE TO MIDDLE CLASS CHILD TO ACCESS LIFE OF LUXURY BEHIND BARS SHOCK!!!!!!! or perhaps THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!!!! I don't know why they bother with headlines. They should just print a picture of a different minority scapegoat every day with THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED UNDER THE NAZIS!stamped across it.
It's what they really want to say isn't it?

A Good Gloat.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Happy Talk- Captain Sensible
Topic: David Blunkett
No-one loves a good gloat more than me. David Blunkett Ha Ha Ha Ha HAAAAA! I am of course referring to the results of the DNA test which prove he is not the father of society bike Kimberley Quinn's baby. I think I'll go out and round up a gaggle of asylum seekers to arrange an international gloat in at Blunketts misfortune.

Suddenly my own problems feel so small.

No further donations since the generosity of my first mysterious benefactor all those posts before.Help Me!
It really is a very useful site. I can strongly recommend the 'Some Alarming Men' link if you want a laugh.
If that bloody link isn't working yet again please paste the following into your browser https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell/

So alone, just want out.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: I Know it's Over- The Smiths
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone
I really have had enough.

Sorry I don't mean to give the impression I'm out on my roof with a gun. I'm just miserable. I'm sick of being surrounded by stupid, aggressive fuckpigs, sick of unnecessary cruelty. In other words I'm in a huff. I hope to be able to resume normal service shortly.

Watch with Mother.
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Willie Stewart/Molly Rankin-Eddi Reader
Topic: Baffled
Good Afternoon,
Please wolf whistle at the new look. Are we sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.

I'm off work this week and have seen daytime TV for the first time in a while. There I was doing a bit of housework, TV on in the background when the voice over starts rattling on about gay porn. I don't mind admitting my hair stood on end. Is it legal to even admit to the existence of gay porn on BBC1 at 9:30 am yes AM! not post watershed?
But it gets better or worse depending on your viewpoint. We were then introduced to internet porn star Juicy Jo.Thats when I suspected I was the victim of an elaborate hoax. Juicy Jo travels the British Isles and gets gang banged by up to twenty chaps at a time for a living. So BBC 1 at 9:30 am gay porn, gang bangs and prostitution.

I don't wish to sound like the late Mary Whitehouse but I can't help but feel that was a really inappropriate piece of scheduling. What next a celebrity fisting league on GMTV? Live bestiality on CBeebies? Watersports on Saturday Kitchen?

Then it was on to This Morning with Fern and Phil for Lion Therapy. From what I could gather Lion Therapy involves a woman with the voice of Jade Goody persuading you to crawl about roaring like a lion in order to relieve stress.

And now Royal News! Yes Prince William and Mad Harry have got a new private secretary called Mr Lowther-Pinkerton. That in itself is funny enough but it gets better. Mr Lowther-Pinkerton is ex-SAS.
A retired hired killer mentoring a spoilt cokehead- I forsee disaster.

Lets go Honies
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: An Honest Mistake- The Bravery
Topic: Tony Bullshit
Phew! Tony Blair has announced that Britain is overrun with terrorists intent on killing us all. Taking into account Tony's past um lies this can only mean that we're safe as houses.

I have had rumours brought to my attention that our increasingly mental P.M is hen-pecked by his allegedly 'difficult and neurotic' wife and has a really miserable home life. It certainly explains his hobby of starting wars in an attempt to appear macho.

Tony Fact no.1- His nickname at Fettes was Emily.

Tony Fact no.2- When he was a member of Ugly Rumours he modeled himself after his idol Mick Jagger and managed to fool scores of stupid, upper-class gels into thinking he was a bit sexy and rock and roll. This meant that when the young Tony oozed up to a group of these gullible spunk buckets uttering his catchphrase 'Let's go Honies' they swooned and giggled rather than decking him and stamping on his slimy tory boy head.

So there we are Tony Blair life long big girls blouse and phoney.

Celebrity inter-generational sex- It's the new cocaine!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Fried My little Brains-The Kills
Topic: Celebrity Kiddie Fiddlers
I really have tried not to say anything about Michael Jackson's present troubles. There are a number of reasons for this 1. It's being reported everywhere. 2. I am actually pretty disgusted at a child abuse trial being reported as celebrity entertainment fodder. Am I fuck! Yes like the rest of the public I am loving it.

On a positive note it might take a bit of heat off our poor wronged leader (Garry Glitter). That was a sham trial- he's innocent! I have a suspicion that it all dates back to little reported glam feud with a jealous Alvin Stardust. Following an altercation which had to be broken up by Slade's Noddy Holder an enraged Stardust was heard to vow I'll get you Glitter, there only room for one leader and it's gonna be me!

Then over twenty years later kiddie porn turns up on the leader's computer. Coincidence? Conspiracy more like. There is no evidence whatsoever to support the above assertions but they are facts.

Now while I'm on a famous kiddie fiddler roll- Jonathan King (backs to the wall kids!). I'll be frank here I think the man is an irritating prick with a taste for teenage flesh (quite unlike all those healthy, red-blooded fans of Britney Spears schoolgirl antics) but not a danger to the kiddies. The whole situation appears to be that King persuaded a gaggle of trainee rent boys to turn a few tricks in exchange for some free singles. Thats not kiddie fiddling, that's an ugly old toss making hay whilst the sun shines.

But I digress, the Jackson trial. I am obsessed, I can't get enough. And why am I so obsessed? I can't get the question of whether or not his cock is still black out of my head. It's bothered me for years. Does he have a cock? A man that surgery obsessed could have anything down there- a hat, his old face (grinning), a scale model of Disney world,a train set- who knows? He's certainly guarding something unusual with all that crotch grabbing. Still it's bound to come out at the trial.

FYI Top actor Rupert Everett once wrote a very funny book called 'The Hairdressers of St Tropez' in which a minor character had surgery to replace his very small white cock with a large black one- and it fell off!



Finally I have some questions.

What age was Pamela Des Barres when she started out as a groupie? Have the police had a quiet word with any of her conquests? I merely require information.

Oh God I despair for humanity
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Why Don't You Do Right?- Sinead O'Connor
Topic: The horror the horror!
I made the dreadful error of watching the Panorama Old Firm special this evening. All that potential, anger and energy wasted on fighting over two multi-million corporate businesses that couldn't give a flying fuck for all their passionate idiots. I could sob an ocean. This in tandem with the peculiar habit poor Glasgow teenagers have of fighting territory battles over the most piss stinking, badly designed, shitehole schemes the world has ever seen gets too much. Am I mad? Are they mad? What is the fucking point?

It's not hard to give a poor man a (lost)cause.

On a happier note my salary has turned up. Hmmmm! One minute nothing can be done till Monday, the next my account is in credit. They know I'm on to them.

A victim of Crime!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Violet-Hole
Topic: Theft
It pains me to advise you that I may have uncovered a fraud ring involving the post office and popular internet bank Smile. I paid my salary cheque into my Smile account via the post office on Monday-a perfectly simple transaction you may think. But alas no. There is no trace of it anywhere and no-one is claiming responsibility. So I have a grand total of 6p in the bank and #1.30 in loose change to live on until Smile go wild and employ a competent member of staff. So my plans for the weekend involve sobbing quietly in a darkened room and not eating (tonight's dinner was an exciting cup of black tea).

On a more alarming note I bumped into a very dazed Mr Alisdair today. I think he may have been drugged or may just have been in a state of shock at being on a Glasgow bus traveling from the east end.

So my pleas for today are as follows.
1. That the cunts at Smile hand over my salary.
2. Can people please stop drugging my friends and placing them on rough bus routes. It really is most alarming.
3. As ever anyone with a kind heart and a few quid can halt my decline into poverty and donate via https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell
(I keep trying to insert a link but it wont work, all part of this weeks conspiracy against me, damn those big lizards)