Censored
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Evening,

My boyfriend has forbidden to mention him on my blog. Oh dear! My boyfriend is afflicted with that disease, so prevalent amongst the shy, of thinking that everyone is obsessively interested in them. So thats it, I will not mention my boyfriend on this blog or oven so much as think about him during a post. No more exciting stories about my boyfriend and his madcap antics on this blog. I realise this will be a devastating blow to all of you who spend your lives wondering what my boyfriend is up to. To that end I will be starting a new blog called 'We need to know everything about Clairwil's boyfriend' to keep you up to date. I may also start another blog entitled ' I never took the slightest bit of notice when parents told me to do something, so you've nae chance you fucking lunatic'.

Other than that I've little to report so I'll leave you with an appeal to a reader.

I'd love this fellow, The Lost Mertonian to join my merry band of magpies but I can't find an e-mail address on his blog.

Lost, if you're reading this get in touch.

Cheerio

Clairwil Fights An Executive Chair
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Season Of The Witch- Donovan
Topic: Hiya

Evening,

Have you ever sat in fascinated horror watching a really bad comedian making a dull series of cliched jokes about pants and buses? No? Well you have a choice, either track down a video of Alan Davies or keep reading this post.

I have had a run in with flat pack furniture. Before I continue, let me debunk a few myths. All the relevant parts were present and correct, as indeed they always are when I buy cheapo flat pack. The instructions were in simple clear English, not Arabic or Japanese, but simple English of the sort that could be readily understood by a five year old of average reading ability. Even without the help of the instructions it was obvious where everything went.

When my new chair was being ordered I giggled, I ranted, I shrieked, I behaved like a loon and demanded the 'Executive' chair. I saw it in the catalogue and fell in love with the sexy, big, black leather monster. People tried to reason with me, they showed me red chairs, pink chairs, patterned chairs but to no avail. 'Respect my authority, get the the executive, I demanded.' Unfortunately they did. Readers be very careful what you wish for.

Now, having met the wretched thing I hate it. Two hours of my fucking life wasted fighting with the merciless seat. The bloody monstrosity just would not stay still whilst I assembled it, worse still every time it moved (roughly three times a second) it made a noise akin to a flatulent pig. Thank fuck the person assisting me was deaf otherwise I'd have been forced to acknowledge the undignified racket and issue denials. The only drop of comfort I can draw from the whole unfortunate episode is that it isn't even real leather. For the death of a cow to have resulted in the production of such a foul and wicked item would have been too much for me bear.

Cheerio

What Are You In Your Present Life?
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Hello,

I am currently 'strangely compelling' like a cult leader.

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange. But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

Who Were You In A Past Life?
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Red Top Hot Shot Beep Beep Beep- Queen B
Topic: Hiya
Hello,

I have just discovered that I used to be a Bolivian beekeeper before I died of consumption. Fancy that!

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Kind Beekeeper. Where You Lived: Boliva. How You Died: Consumption.

I'm Feeling A Bit T.S Eliotish, Since You Ask.
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Good evening,

I came across this quiz whilst wandering about the web. It claims to supply you with a poem to match your mood. I'm not altogether convinced as I'm feeling rather chipper just now. Anyway here is the poem I got.


Morning at the window

THEY are rattling breakfast plates in basement kitchens,
And along the trampled edges of the street
I am aware of the damp souls of housemaids
Sprouting despondently at area gates.

The brown waves of fog toss up to me
Twisted faces from the bottom of the street,
And tear from a passer-by with muddy skirts
An aimless smile that hovers in the air
And vanishes along the level of the roofs.

T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)

A Day Without Incident/Doing A Bear
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Los Rancheros- Adam And The Ants
Topic: Hiya

Good Evening,

I am pleased to report that my day passed without incident. I got a bit angry and did 'a bear' at my boyfriend yesterday evening. It was great, he looked quite startled and asked in a panicky voice, 'what's happened, whats wrong, what have I said?'. That's the first 'bear' I've done to him in seven years. There are not many couples who can say they have only had one 'bear' in seven years. For those of you with the good fortune not to be a member of my family 'a bear' is when you adopt the stance of an angry bear on it's hind legs and go 'RAAAR' at someone (see above picture). If you ever find yourself in a really tedious argument, you should try 'a bear'. In my experience it is unbeatable at disarming your opponent.

Cheerio

Do 100% Of My Readers Think 80% is Total Fiction?
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya

Good Afternoon,

It would appear nobody believes the 80% rape in porn statistic. Dr Feelgood has written an excellent post on the subject which raises several points that I hadn't and like guest blogger Ewen's earlier comments is pretty much in line with my own suspicions.

I'd still love to hear from anyone who actually believes this figure. What baffles me is that someone could believe that such an outlandish figure would support their argument. Why stop at 80%? Why not 99.2%?

Cheerio

I Nearly Met An Owl!
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Chelsea Girls- Nico
Topic: Hiya


Evening,

I've not done much since I last posted. I went for a post gym wander yesterday and saw two wildly exciting things and experienced a disappointment that brought tears to my eyes.

I was strutting up Buchanan St when I saw a giant pink pig with pink balloons attached to it. I'm not sure what the pig was for but it had attracted a crowd of children. I couldn't help thinking that adulthood is very depressing, all I wanted to do was race up to the pig and giggle like a fool but I couldn't. Being an adult means being sensible unless drunk and if I had shown excitement over the pig everyone would have accused me of being a Micheal Jackson style nutter and thrown bricks at me.

After spending a few minutes looking enviously at the merry children leaping round the pig, I wandered sadly into Borders. My envy partly stemmed from the fact most of the chicken nugget stuffed children had bigger tits than me. I know this makes me sound old, but I've looked at my old school photos to confirm it, children were not that fat when I was young.

Anyway upon entering Borders I noticed a sign, a sign that filled my heart with joy. 'Have your picture taken holding an owl' it said. I was so excited I mistakenly accosted a member of the public and asked where the owl was. Anyway after making further enquiries I was disappointed to find the owl had left the building. I'm ashamed to admit this but within seconds of this blow I actually had tears in my eyes. It's not fair I've never met an owl!

Meeting a new animal is a rare joy. In my life I've met a snake, lots of cats, lots of dogs, a Shetland pony, ducks, a chinchilla, rabbits, hamsters, gerbils, mice, birds, guinea pigs, cows, horses, some pigs and two monkeys. The monkeys were a bit of a trauma I was scared but managed to hold the monkey long enough to get a picture taken only to be told by my parents that a very bad thing had happened as it was cruel to earn money taking pictures of children and monkeys. Another animal I'm very partial to is controversial old Mr Fox! I can't understand the rural fuckpigs desire to kill the fox. Everytime I see a fox I'm delighted. About two years ago I saw a fox wandering up Candleriggs quite the thing, nearly everyone was delighted and the cry 'there's a fox' went up. Of course there is always some fucker out to spoil things for everyone else and a man in idiot issue coloured shirt and jeans chased the fox because his mentally unstable, ugly, fake tanned, slack fannied, boot of a bitch, girlfriend was scared of it. Cunts.

Animals are great.I can tolerate people that don't like animals but I could never admire or really like them. Shortly after I met my boyfriend he revealed several interesting facts about wood pigeons and seemed genuinely happy as he spoke about the 'woodies'. That was the moment he went from being collectible to collected.

Cheerio

I Am Not Annoyed About Anything!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Troy- Sinead O'Connor
Topic: Hiya


Evening,

It's been a funny couple of days in that nothing has annoyed me. Nothing I can sneer at has been brought to my attention. What is even more unexpected is people are going out their way to be kind.

There I was in work first thing when I was presented with a bouquet of flowers and two large bars of Swiss chocolate by a client I'd done some very easy and routine work for recently. I have to say I was very moved given that the client is on a
pitifully low income and no doubt has better things to spend their money on.

Later someone from another organisation announced that they'd sorted out a very complicated and urgent piece of work for me because I looked busy.

By the time one of my work colleagues started talking about the annual deprived and disabled
children's day out organised by the Glasgow taxi drivers,for which the drivers in effect give up a day's work and earnings to chauffeur the children to Troon, I felt like crying.

On my way home a menacing looking fellow in a skip hat raced towards me when I was getting on the bus to give me his all day ticket and save me my bus fare. Almost home,I nipped into a shop to buy something for my tea and a very nice checkout lady gave me a free bag to carry my flowers in without being asked. As you can imagine I'd started to become suspicious by this point. Was it a trick? A surprise be nice to Clairwil festival? Who knows?

There is a lesson for humanity somewhere in all that but I'm sure by tomorrow everyone, myself included, will be back to growling and fighting and none the wiser.

Cheerio

Prague Is So Beautiful, I Want To Weep Forever
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Symphonie No. 5- Gustav Mahler
Topic: Hiya







Evening,

I have been to Prague and now I'm back. I now realise I was born to walk around beautiful, decaying European cities looking haunted and feeling close to tears. I don't think I have ever seen so many beautiful buildings, churches and people in such a short space of time before. Or sighed so much. It all became quite overwhelming and everything made me want to cry. In fact I don't think I have been so tearful since I realised my ambition to be a fairy in a musical jewelery box was unachievable.

The people of Prague apart from being clear skinned beauties and incredibly nice also seem very fond of puppets. I approve of this wholeheartedly, it's been many a year since I saw a good puppet show and I was sad I didn't have time to see The Marionette Theatre's performance of Don Giovanni. I expect puppet shows aren't slick and violent enough for todays jaded, obese ankle biters. I also saw and indeed heard an organ grinder playing on the Charles Bridge which instantly made me feel about five years old and oddly emotional for some reason. Makes you wonder what the tourist entertainment of the future will be. My guess is a film of several youths setting fire to a small and helpless dog viewed on an 'old style' circa 2005 camera phone.

The food was a bit hit and miss but this place Restaurace Rusalka is a gem and you should all flock there like big,hungry geese. Another place to race to like starved dogs is Cafe Ebel. I can highly recommend the '123 Breakfast' and a long look at the brunette waitress.

As I mentioned earlier Prague contains a high proportion of effortlessly beautiful people. If you're the type of female who flies into a jealous rage every time someone thinner, prettier or more fragrant than you appears,you may wish to avoid Prague and stick to sobbing into your Dairy Milk in front of your Bridget Jones DVD. And stop reading this blog. I don't want you.

Ahem, moving on. One of my few criticisms of my stay was the crowds, I will defiantly go again, but at a quieter time. I was particularly distressed by a gaggle of German schoolchildren who seemed to take a perverse delight in following me everywhere. I'm not sure if it's the same mob that irritated me with their shoving and giggling in Anne Frank's house during my holiday in Amsterdam last year, but I have my suspicions. I thought I'd outrun them at one point only to find the little fiends waiting, like butter wouldn't melt, in the Pinkas Synagogue and Jewish Cemetery.

However the undisputed highlight of my trip was my visit to the Loretto Shrine. The Loretto Shrine is a fine example of the Catholic Church at the peak of it's artistic powers. It is also a fundamentalist protestant nightmare and therefore rather splendid. I'm sorry, I don't wish to offend but all that preaching in a tin hut or worse, a front room because 'it's the Lords word that's important' might well be more Christian but it's boring to look at. Anyway even if you don't share my love of Catholic art, the Loretto Shrine is worth a visit simply to see this bearded female saint and this beautiful martyred boy.

I realise there is nothing more boring than tales of other peoples holidays so I'll stop now but I'm trying in my own long winded way to encourage you to visit Prague. Remember readers I love you all and only want what's best for you.

Cheerio