Clairwil Crawls Under A Rabbit Until Her Beamer Subsides!
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Smash It Up- The Damned
Topic: Oops!
Hello,

'....this deference to art often saved my skin. As I stood pressed against the railings of some dim London square with a strangers hand and my throat or my crutch or both, another member of the gang would whisper, 'But he's an artist. I seen him in Chelsea.' Immediately the grip on my person would loosen and in a shaken voice, my aggressor would say, 'I didn't know.'

-The Naked Civil Servant- Quentin Crisp

I remember reading that some time ago and feeling rather encouraged that the thugs concerned, whatever their other faults, at least had a bit of respect for artists. It offered the possibility that they may one day be reformed and turned into civilised beings. Y'know nice law abiding people that don't go about casually insulting artists.

It is therefore with my head hanging in shame that I have to inform you that I have casually insulted a respected Scottish artist by the name of Robin Gillanders on this very blog. You can also imagine my horror at receiving a response to my 'Robin Reveal Yourself' post via e-mail from respected Scottish artist Robin Gillanders who regularly reads my blog. If this had happened to someone else I would be laughing like a drain. In my defence I didn't actually look at Robin's work, he is just an innocent victim of my all consuming hatred of Rousseau which began during the first year of my degree. Yes that's right degree- see I'm not a mental, I'm not an idiot. Having re-read the post all I can say is that I'll be in real trouble if Barbara Kruger reads this blog.

Anyway Robin has been very kind about the whole thing and has even offered me an invite to the exhibition I turned my nose up at all those posts ago. Robin's exhibition is entitled 'The Philosophers Garden' and is at the Scottish National Portrait Gallery in Edinburgh from the 23rd of September.

Cheerio

Sympathy Please!
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: October- U2
Topic: Oops!


Evening,

It's a miracle I'm posting at all today given my serious injuries. I was running for a bus this morning when I tripped on a piece of uneven paving. Is this what I pay my council tax for?

Anyway to wander back to the point. I'm now sitting with a big weeping wound on one knee and a very tight bandage on the other. So in addition to the whiff of antiseptic mingling with Chanel no 5, I'm very attractive this evening.

I've little else to report although I notice those cheeky anarchists have been at it again. I'm still baffled as to the point of their tactics, they were on the news ripping up public flowerbeds which I found most annoying. The flowers are paid for by the Edinburgh tax payers for the pleasure and enjoyment of everyone who lives in or visits the city. Destroying them is therefore an act of aggression against the people.

I've always found any anarchists I've ever met a bit intimidating, not because they're hard or anything, quite the opposite. They all have that scary upper middle class 'I'm smarter than you' air about them and no matter how much I say to myself 'no you're not' I find myself reduced to nodding and dribbling. Perhaps it's their privileged backgrounds that blind them to the value of a pleasant public environment. I'm stuck up a bloody close with no garden and I like a wander in the park or through George Sq to see a few flowers or a bit of greenery. So the flower destroying, cheeky anarchists can go fuck themselves as far as I'm concerned. Send in the army!

Cheerio

Incredibly Brian Harvey Runs Himself Over.....
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Hardly Wait-PJ Harvey
Topic: Oops!


Good Evening,

There I was stuck for things to write about when God smiled on me and cast this gem my way. Not for the first time I am prompted to wonder if someone is making this up for my amusement. For those of you who don't know, Brian Harvey (ex-East17) has managed to run himself over with his own car. It is hard to know what to say. Poor old Brian he's not the worst thing that the music industry have ever inflicted on us. Apparently he's very depressed about splitting up with Emma B. I would have thought running her over would be more likely to cheer him up but then I'm more intelligent than mad Brian. I expect his brain got addled during all that 12 E a night business.

I also received further exciting news via e-mail this evening from occasional reader Mr Alisdair. A while ago said reader initiated discussions with me regarding the publication of a small fanzine featuring me and persons unknown. Mr Alisdair informs me that we have 'inherited' an existing publication. As you can imagine I'm wildly excited! It could be The Telegraph, taken over in an audacious act of media piracy. The Peoples Friend?
Who knows?

I will of course keep you all informed.


Cheerio.

Today I Nearly Killed A man.
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Fan Mail -Blondie
Topic: Oops!



Evening,

But for the grace of God, I would be writing this from my prison cell. Today is the day I nearly killed a man simply by standing perfectly still. There I was minding my own business waiting on my bus when all of a sudden a cyclist appeared from nowhere and nearly ran into me. Before I had the chance to get angry he had fallen off his bike. It's quite the oddest thing that has ever happened to me. I wish death and injury on people who annoy me all the time and sadly it rarely happens, but this occurred before I'd even had the chance to curse him. Is The Lord smiling on me at last?

However the whole episode has raised several questions. Why was he cycling along the pavement? Why did he lie on the ground laughing like a loony when he fell? Was it a prank? Is this what passes for student humour these days? My God it was bad enough when they all used to laugh at 70's TV shows but staging accidents is just plain stupid.

Anyway he got no sympathy from me. I keep well away from accidents as I live in fear of having to put my first aid certificate to good use. In any case as he fell, the bike landed on top of him and the saddle caught him right in the balls and I fail to see what possible assistance I could have offered. Mercifully there was nothing in my first aid course regarding the treatment of testicular injuries and the only method of reducing pain in the balls I have ever known to work is to stop kicking them.

Other than nearly killing a man I have nothing to report so skip along and visit these very funny people. I agree with about 70% of everything they say which makes them more fit to run the country than most politicians and nearly always correct.


Cheerio

Foot in Mouth Outbreak.
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Mrs Jones- Hole
Topic: Oops!




Earlier today my work colleagues were gathered round a chain letter type thing debating whether or not it was a hoax. The letter related to a terminally ill cancer sufferer who was aiming to set a record for the worlds largest collection of...
compliment slips.

Well you can imagine my reaction. For fucks sake I said. What an arsehole I said. Imagine being told you've only months to live and deciding to spend your last precious days collecting fucking compliment slips I said. A rare instance of someone who deserves it getting cancer I said. Oh no, the owner of the worlds largest collection of compliment slips is dying, what a terrible fucking loss I cackled.

He's only seven my horrified colleagues replied.

I think I'll stop talking now I said.

Oh the shame!

On a happier note I received an e-mail from a charming female named Pam who links to my blog.
Hurrah! Go and see the fine link in all it's glory on Hurtling Towards Obscurity. While you're there have a read, it is a very fine blog.

Well the evening of tragedy is upon us. Tonight is Zoe Lucker's final episode of Footballers Wives. I think I might book a wee sunbed session by way of a tribute. I have also been advised that Hazel is being written out the show. Are they actively trying to make me stop watching? Why are all the best characters leaving? I demand an explanation.