04/10/05 - 12:11 PM BST

Thanks for the solidarity! I'm deeply annoyed about this. At first, I'm convinced it was one bloke, but it's mushroomed now as I appear to have been added to Google Images. I used to like to sit in front of my site statistics and ponder on the personal lives of the readers I had - who had come from looking for 'oompa loompa official dossier?' - but now I'm clueless. Bereft and clueless. About forty times more people have arrived looking for Christina than any other search or website.

If people want porn, fine, but why not good porn?

I caught a fish with my bare hands oncebut it bit me, or at any rate it did something, because it made be bleed profusely and curse my foolishness.

04/10/05 - 11:01 PM BST

I've had my own google images related incident recently though sadly it's not done much for the old stats. I think I'll start putting pictures of tits on my blog under the title Christina. Should be good for a few hits.

As for the fish, what in God's name was the vicious bugger?

05/10/05 - 10:41 AM BST

I'm intrigued to know how you bully a trout out of someone. I have visions of rubber gloves and knuckle-dusters for some reason. I'd be happy to give you one - a trout that is - assuming i could actually catch it, but whether I could get it into a tin for you I'm not sure.

06/10/05 - 7:41 PM BST

I hadn't really thought about how I was going to get the trout. I'd probably start off with charm, then a stern look and if that didn't work a tantrum.

Perhaps you'd catch more fish if you did more to attract them, if I were you I'd dress up like an attractive lady salmon and hang about the river looking available.

06/10/05 - 9:16 PM BST

I already spend a fair amount of time hanging around in women's clothing looking available, but you might be onto something there. I'm slightly daunted at the prospect of sticking on all these little scales though. Still, no need for a tantrum - the first fish that falls for my allure is yours.

06/10/05 - 9:48 PM BST

Hanging around women's clothing looking available? Are you mad? All you'll get there is hassle from insecure women wanting to know if you think they're fat. However you answer you'll either end up slapped or stalked. Stick to mail order it's far safer.

There is no need to stick on scales:

http://www.joke.co.uk/fancy_dress_costumes/Fish_Mascot_Costume.html

Wear that costume combined with a french maids outfit and a squirt of Chanel No5 and you'll be knee deep in frisky fish in a flash.

You could also put a picture of yourself standing proudly by the river in your costume on your blog. It would be a sensation.

06/10/05 - 11:37 PM BST

brilliant! and a snip at #129.99! and because the link you gave me opened a page of code i had to navigate to the home page and use the search box. i said 'tonight i want to be - a fish' and, as an added bonus, i got lots of costumes featuring fishnet stockings. so that's the french maid outfit fixed up too. you think chanel no5, i was wondering about eau de poisson? as for the blog picture, i'm not sure how many fish visit it, but i'll bear it in mind.

07/10/05 - 8:43 PM BST

Of course the fish read your blog, why do you think they keep escaping? You might be on to something with the eau de poisson, if I see any on my travels I'll pass it on.