Who Were You In A Past Life?
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Red Top Hot Shot Beep Beep Beep- Queen B
Topic: Hiya
Hello,

I have just discovered that I used to be a Bolivian beekeeper before I died of consumption. Fancy that!

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Kind Beekeeper. Where You Lived: Boliva. How You Died: Consumption.

Yuck!
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Suffer Little Children-The Smiths
Topic: Aimless Post
Dear God..

Why is there a a market for this?

'Animal of the day is at the bottom of the page.


Goodbye

Accidental Comedy Gold
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Andrea Dworkin



Good evening,

I got home this evening to find the phone ringing and made the mistake of answering it. It was my boyfriend canceling me for tomorrow evening. I have never been so furious in all my life. He's had his last blow job from me until at least next April.


Anyway moving on, I was looking at my blog stats this evening and noticed that someone had arrived at this blog looking for Andrea Dworkin in Google Images. 'That's queer' I thought. 'I like my readers why would I put a picture of that grotesque creature on my blog? It simply isn't the sort of thing I do.' I put all of my technical know how to use and clicked the link, only to be confronted with 'Ass In Car' by Richard Kern. It would appear that in a moment of absent mindedness or divinely inspired mischief I'd saved the picture under the subject of my post rather than it's rightful title. Oh dear!

Those of you have been reading long enough to know how my mind works will know what's coming next. I am issuing my fellow bloggers a challenge. Just for fun let us see how many inappropriate images we can get into Google for Andrea Dworkin. Just imagine, in years to come frisky adolescents could be keying 'Andrea Dworkin' into search engines whilst looking for smut. The gauntlet has been thrown down, you know what to do next.

Cheerio

Together We Can Defeat This Madness.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Nations Best Loved Poems- BBC Radio Collection.
Topic: The horror the horror!




Good Evening,

A bit of a cobbled together collection of tit bits for you this evening.

Firstly I would like to express my outrage at the horrifying fate that has befallen Steve. Poor Steve is being tormented by a maniac who has an unhealthy obsession with Christina Aguilera. The maniac is fucking up his stats by repeatedly visiting his blog looking for Ms Aguilera, either that, or they have sat on their mouse mid search. The mind boggles. In any case I hope the perpetrator has rocks and boots thrown at his head when he is caught.


Moving on, I have some consumer news for you. Yes readers I have come over all Watchdog! As we are all aware, banks are cunts. Evil cunts who like nothing better to bankrupt you with absurd and extortionate bank charges. Well readers you no longer have to stand for it. The lovely people at The Govan Law Centre have a handy online guide to getting bank charges refunded. It's as easy as falling off a log. I have tried it and it worked a treat. The legal bits apply in Scotland, England and Wales so people the UK over can unite to piss off a few banks. Perhaps if we really try we might be able to put a couple out of business. Won't that be a hoot?

Finally Alan has returned from his fishing trip. He very nearly caught a giant fish but it escaped. I'm quite disappointed at this news as I was hoping to bully a trout or two out of him, so that I could have them stuffed and mounted and tell everyone I caught them with my bare hands. I'm afraid I behaved rather badly the last time I was given a fish. My neighbour at my parents caught a vast salmon and very kindly gave us a bit. I ate one small mouthful which I spat out, complaining that I only ate tinned salmon. In my defence I was only seven at the time.


Cheerio

Behold The Big Things.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: I Wanna Be Your Dog-Iggy Pop
Topic: Hurrah!


Good evening,

It's big things frenzy at Clairwil towers. Apparently Australia is littered with these peculiar structures. I think they're wonderful. Imagine driving along, bored stupid when all of a sudden you spot a giant lobster or a giant Ned Kelly. You'd be cock-a-hoop!

As ever my joy is tinged with anger. Why don't we have 'big things' in Britain? This should be an election issue. Think how much happier we'd all be if we had a smattering of 'big things' throughout the land. For example a truly boring piece of architecture has appeared near my home. It's purpose is to provide accommodation for students. Think how much better it would have been if they had built a giant owl in a mortar board for the students to live in. Anyone who has strolled down the High st in Glasgow recently is bound to agree with me. I'm thinking of writing to my MP about this, in the unlikely event I get a response I will of course let you know. You can see more 'big things' here and here.

Thank-you to Steve for supplying me with links to the 'big things'

Before I leave you, I have added a link to my furl archive in my sidebar, should any of you be interested in what I have been gawping at on the net.


Cheerio

I'm Feeling A Bit T.S Eliotish, Since You Ask.
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Good evening,

I came across this quiz whilst wandering about the web. It claims to supply you with a poem to match your mood. I'm not altogether convinced as I'm feeling rather chipper just now. Anyway here is the poem I got.


Morning at the window

THEY are rattling breakfast plates in basement kitchens,
And along the trampled edges of the street
I am aware of the damp souls of housemaids
Sprouting despondently at area gates.

The brown waves of fog toss up to me
Twisted faces from the bottom of the street,
And tear from a passer-by with muddy skirts
An aimless smile that hovers in the air
And vanishes along the level of the roofs.

T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)

Dog Bark Park
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Clouds-Hole
Topic: Hurrah!


Good evening,

Look at this! It is a hotel in the shape of a beagle. I cannot convey in mere words how happy the existence of this remarkable establishment makes me.
It is my ambition to stay there and enjoy a book in the cosy reading nook situated in the dog shaped hotel's muzzle.

The people who run the hotel sound like top quality, not content with the unique achievement of running the world's best hotel, they also make wooden animals with chainsaws. I think there should be more buildings in the shape of animals. If I could choose I'd live in a big pink pig or a seahorse.

Anyway this wonderful discovery has left me full of questions, so full I may burst. I will list them below and await your responses with baited breath.

1. Have any of you ever stayed in the beagle?
2. Are there other animal shaped buildings?
3. Am I alone in being wildly excited by this?

Cheerio

A Day Without Incident/Doing A Bear
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Los Rancheros- Adam And The Ants
Topic: Hiya

Good Evening,

I am pleased to report that my day passed without incident. I got a bit angry and did 'a bear' at my boyfriend yesterday evening. It was great, he looked quite startled and asked in a panicky voice, 'what's happened, whats wrong, what have I said?'. That's the first 'bear' I've done to him in seven years. There are not many couples who can say they have only had one 'bear' in seven years. For those of you with the good fortune not to be a member of my family 'a bear' is when you adopt the stance of an angry bear on it's hind legs and go 'RAAAR' at someone (see above picture). If you ever find yourself in a really tedious argument, you should try 'a bear'. In my experience it is unbeatable at disarming your opponent.

Cheerio

The Type Of Media Circus That Claimed Diana
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Hand That Rocks The Cradle- The Smiths
Topic: Baffled



Evening,

There I was making notes at the end of a client interview in work today when my life descended into a media circus, the like of which claimed Diana. I'm exaggerating slightly, but it was a most peculiar incident. My clients suddenly started looking all bashful, giggling and whispering to their interpreter. The interpreter then asked me if I would be kind enough to allow them to have their picture taken with me.

Naturally I graciously consented to their touching request, chiefly because I didn't know what else to say. So if any of you ever come across a picture of a puzzled looking white woman standing in between two grinning Pakistani women, you'll know what happened.

The crazy builder last night, the adoring clients today- what on earth is going on? Am I on some sort of Candid Camera style show? Are you all playing tricks on me?

Answers please


Cheerio

Hello

I have just received the following e-mail from Tony Blair advising me that he is holding a live web chat this evening. I'd like to ask him to kill himself but I don't suppose he would. However if any if you would like make him squirm, get your skates on and click the link below now.

There is another chance to ask me a question later today when Tessa Jowell and I will be online for a live web-chat and between us we will be taking your questions and comments from 6.00pm until 7.20pm.

If there is one issue you would like to raise with me, this is your opportunity by logging onto:
Ask Tony

Cheerio