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Top of the British Blogs
Clairwil
20/09/05
Leave Kate Moss Alone!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Honest Mistake- The Bravery
Topic: Trivia

Evening,

Readers I have a confession. I once took cocaine.
The only reason it was once was because I was unemployed at the time and couldn't afford it. Otherwise I'd only have one nostril now, see poverty is not always a bad thing.

Anyway the point I'm making is that if I had Kate Moss's looks and money I'd spend all my time snorting coke and shagging people and so would half the people tut-tutting over her predicament. So would you. I'd never seen the appeal of Miss Moss before, now it all makes sense. She is a slapper and as such my sister.

In any case she's shagging Pete Doherty, how boring would that be if you weren't wasted? Let's face it the poor boy probably sits about talking drug induced nonsense all day, the woman is just trying to get onto his wavelength. Leave her alone!

On to an entirely different topic, I noticed an article in yesterdays Metro about the election in Afghanistan. The candidates each have a small photo and symbol beside their name to help illiterate voters pick the right one. The article advises that each candidate picked the symbol that 'meant most to them'. I can't help feeling, taking into account recent history and resentment towards the USA, that the fellow who picked two planes as his symbol might be at something of an advantage. Rumours that he had to be dissuaded from using the following symbol are as yet unconfirmed.





Cheerio

Posted by Clairwil at 10:39 PM BST
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31/08/05
A Celebrity Love Match Quiz Produces Bizarre Results!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Slow Hands- Interpol
Topic: Trivia



Hello,

There I was in an idle moment footering with the interweb when I chanced upon a celebrity love match quiz, so with a celebrity threesome in mind I answered the questions. Apparently my ideal celebrity shag pals are Jordan and Pete Doherty. It is hard to know what to say really. I could tolerate Jordan if she didn't speak but her voice is so boring I think I'd end up strangling her. As for poor old human train wreck Pete, where do I start?

Anyway to find your ideal woman click here and for your ideal man click here.

Cheerio

Posted by Clairwil at 4:12 PM BST
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27/08/05
Porn Statistics- An Answer!
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Untitled- Interpol
Topic: Trivia



Evening,

As you may be aware I questioned a statistic relating to the frequency of the depiction of rape in porn, in an earlier post. Well I'm very pleased to announce that official guest blogger Ewen has supplied an answer. I like very much the way he has included a small explanation of the term 'gonzo porn' as if I'm too lady-like to have encountered such a term before. His mother has obviously brought him up very well, so lets all let out a rousing cheer for Ewen's mum. Anyway I shall stop my rambling now and refer you to Ewen's answer below.

As for the porn thing......................You are of course correct. Most "Teen porn" is performed by elfin faced twenty somethings. Only in the deluded minds of lonely blokes are they anything else. Rape scenarios do exist in porn, but they're unusual, reserved mainly for gonzo porn(two men and a camcorder) Even then, they tend to be obviously acted and thankfully pretty unconvincing. The 80% figure is just spurious nonsense. Something plucked out of the air by someone who cannot bring themselves to believe that women participate in porn by their own choice.

The above is pretty much in line with what I suspected when I read the 80% statistic, however in the interests of fairness and balance I'd love to hear from anyone who reckons they know better. Comments can be left by clicking on the comments bit below. I don't wish to be patronising but I seem to be getting a fair few hits these days and no comments. Even a bit of spam would be welcome. I'm not that fussy.

I finished work on Friday for my annual leave and having a bit of spare time on my hands decided to give the office a bit of a clean. I picked up a photo of my irritating work colleague's daughter which he keeps on his desk. It was sticky! Naturally I raced to the sink to wash my hands immediately. The dirty, fucking weirdo has wanked over a picture of his daughter. I knew it! I knew it! Incest in Easterhouse, it's official!

Cheerio

Posted by Clairwil at 8:53 PM BST
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20/06/05
Tom Cruise And The Microphone Of Horror!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Suckerpunch- The Wildhearts
Topic: Trivia


Evening,

Isn't the news exciting these days. Celebrity short arse Tom Cruise had some water squirted in his face for a prank. To discuss this weighty issue Channel Five news required the presence of an
expert to explain that having water squirted in his face was 'totally alien to Tom's world'. Well if Channel Five reckon that Tom has never had anything wet squirted onto his face by a long object then who are we to argue?

According to The Scotsman Sharon Osbourne was also a recent victim of the 'squirting microphone' trick and responded by borrowing a champagne bucket full of iced water from a nearby restaurant and dumping it over the prankster. I'm no fan of Mrs Osbourne but her reaction showed far more class than standing about looking fucking destroyed muttering 'you're a jerk.

I hate practical jokes, but when you're a victim you have to at least pretend to think it's funny otherwise the joker wins and you can get better revenge if they don't know you're pissed off. I was once the victim of a cruel hoax. A 30 something sexual inadequate told everyone they'd shagged me when they hadn't. I think they were trying to divert attention from the fact that they still lived with their parents. Anyway I realised that if their behaviour wasn't nipped in the bud they'd be telling everyone they'd had me up the arse and I'd have to flee to the continent like Oscar Wilde. So cunning as a fox I snuck into their room in the halls of residence my college class were holidaying in and peed on their bed. That was only phase one! I spent the rest of the year merrily spreading poison and encouraging people to bully my tormentor to the extent that they had to leave and go to a different college the following year. As I think the above clearly demonstrates I hate practical jokes. If I was Tom Cruise I would have laughed so that everyone thought I was a good sport then sneakily hired a hit man and had the prankster killed.


Cheerio.

Posted by Clairwil at 8:05 PM BST
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28/05/05
Abi Titmuss BreastFeeding
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: God Save The Queen- The Sex Pistols
Topic: Trivia



Evening,

I've been playing with my statistics tracker thing and can't help but notice scores of people have been lured here in search of classy lady Miss Titmuss. However I'm faintly alarmed by the person who came here searching for 'Abi Titmuss Breastfeeding'. I didn't know she was lactating. I can only conclude they were searching for the one thing Miss Titmuss hasn't done. Anyway I feel all that one handed typing should be rewarded so I shall place a picture of the Titmuss at the top of this post.


Other than that I've little to report. I have a giant blister on my heel which is causing me to hobble. I was a fine Glasgow sight the other day limping up the road in a pair of trackie bottoms on my way back from the gym. So if any of the less tolerant amongst you were enraged by the sight of a junkie bird/ benefit cheat limping up the Saltmarket in a 'market' knock off Juicy Couture trackie, top of thong exposed to the elements you may be relived to hear it was only little me in ill fitting trainers.

I should also point out I haven't gone ned/chav although I am thinking of buying a sovereign ring because I've always wanted one.But to return to the point I'm not in the habit of wearing sportswear in public or private but take the view that sportswear is acceptable for sporting activities (sex excepted). I am, however always very irritated by the way sporting celebrities turn up to award ceremonies in tracksuits. Do plumbers go to dinner dances in overalls? No they don't. Athletes
stop being so stingy and buy a fucking dress.


Cheerio

Posted by Clairwil at 11:02 PM BST
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23/05/05
The British Do Not Have A God Given Right To Victory!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Miserable Lie- The Smiths
Topic: Trivia


Evening,

I note that 'Great' Britain have flopped yet again at the the Eurovision Song Contest. It would never have happened if they'd picked dear old Jordan. As I've got older I have come to realise that sitting around the TV booing the British and English in any competition is probably not normal. However it does make one very popular on the continent during football tournaments.

To return to the point, where did the British media get the idea that Britain has to win at everything? Why do they seem to believe that they have been disgraced in front of the entire world if they lose a competition?

I'm no expert on the thoughts of the rest of the world but I strongly suspect they couldn't really give a fuck what the British get up to. That is apart from the England World Cup Victory in 1966 which as we all know is the greatest human achievement ever and unites the world in one big round of 'One World Cup and Two World Wars doo dah'.
I mean it's not like Britain is a crappy, inconsequential, wee island off the coast of France that no one really cares about anymore. No Way!

I have only encountered this strange, 'Britain is king' mentality in the flesh, as it were, once. I was on a horrifying package holiday in Spain along with the scum of the British Isles. For example one night the Scottish would run about kicking fuck out of random German and English tourists because 'this is a Scottish resort'. The next night a mighty English army would assemble because 'this is an English resort'. Each thinking they were retaliating for an earlier offence committed against them. I should reiterate that all this took place in Spain. One night I was cornered by several English fellows who demanded to know whether I thought England or Italy was the better country. This was for the benefit of two bemused and terrified Italians they had captured in a British superiority exercise. Well naturally, I replied Italy and started banging on about architecture, ancient Rome, fashion and suchlike. At this, the especially mental one started lecturing me, gently at first and then more forcefully, about my lack of national pride!

Well you can imagine what I let rip at this! The first sentence was 'I am not fucking British.' The last I remember was something along the lines of 'and thats just Scotland, now Ireland...' I'm pleased to report I got a kiss from each of the Italians and had 'traitor' shouted at me every time I passed the tubby British nutters.


On a later post I might write something about the Scottish takeover of Britain. Won't that be fun?

Cheerio



Posted by Clairwil at 11:24 PM BST
Updated: 23/05/05 11:55 PM BST
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04/05/05
Celebrity Love Island. Why?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Portland Oregon- Loretta Lynn
Topic: Trivia



Evening,

How excited am I? It has been brought to my attention that we, the viewing public are about to be treated to a new and exciting celebrity reality show. On ITV -classy! It is to be called 'Celebrity Love Island' and involves a load of celebrities stranded somewhere being filmed by a production company who desperately want them to fuck each other. Live! For our amusement!

As you can imagine there is some serious talent involved in this production. Rebecca Loos, Abi Titmuss, Fran Cosgrove, Calum Best, Jayne Middlemiss, Michael Greco, Judi Shekoni and Lee Sharpe have all signed up. Imagine it Abi Titmuss, Rebecca Loos and Michael Greco on the same show! At the same time! Truly we have entered TV's golden age.

Still it should be informative, I just cannot imagine a star of the calibre of Abi Titmuss making a sexual exhibition of herself on camera. No way!
For fucks sake her tawdry 'oooh John she's licking my arse' antics have been floating about the internet for ages. What more is there left to see?

I'm most unimpressed. I vow to you my loyal readers that when I'm a celebrity I shall restrict my self to the odd appearance on 'Call My Bluff' and will never be seen simulating sex with grubs on 'Celebrity Jungle Porn Challenge' with Lynn Perrie and Howard from the Halifax adverts.

On to more distressing news. If you were reading last week you may be aware that I have stopped drinking. Since then I have developed a giant boil on my chin. Is this normal?

Cheerio.








Posted by Clairwil at 9:37 PM BST
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18/02/05
Hi I'm Shallow.
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Fabulous Friend- The Fieldmice
Topic: Trivia
An Outrage! An Outrage! Yes reader my blood is boiling. I am mad with rage. I am of course referring to the redesigned smarties tube or 'hexatube'. Yes at the tender age of twenty-nine I am saying with a straight face 'why can't they leave things alone'. I should have smelt a rat when they brought out all manner of wrong and unnatural smarties (fruity,giant,spooky etc)

I am too distressed to comment on what they've done to poor Bugs Bunny.

On to more serious matters(ahem). The impending nuptials of Rod Hull's mother and the future king of the pathetic tatters of the British Empire (where the sun never set because God didn't trust the British in the dark). Not for the first time I find myself hooting at killjoy feminist boiler Julie Bindel,her latest mad claim is that contrary to all visual evidence Camilla Parker Bowles is 'sexy'. I am then struck by the bizarre reaction to the impending wedding taking place in a registry office. Why is everyone carrying on like they've been forced to marry in a public convenience? Other than that my thoughts are as follows 1. How much will this pointless farce cost the taxpayer? and 2. Lets all hope the whole event is disrupted by hate fueled Diana crazies pelting the gruesome couple with stale bread rolls.

Finally Lisa I'Anson.Never has one human being been so conceited about so little.

Anyway I'm off to watch Eastenders and get excited about Nathan Barley later on channel 4. So until next time remember It's all good babe.

Posted by Clairwil at 8:24 PM GMT
Updated: 18/02/05 8:29 PM GMT
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