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My Nemesis Is The Source Of Unwitting Comedy
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Is That All There Is?- Peggy Lee
Topic: Twat

Not much to report today as I've been too busy writing my other blog. Yes that's right! My other blog that none of you know about. There is a small prize on offer to the first person who tracks it down.

Anyway my irritating work colleague had a moment of unwitting comedy genius today. I was recounting a tale to my colleagues, about a problem I had on the 59 bus a few years back with a mentally disabled fellow, who used to sit beside me and chat, which was fine, until I noticed he was also having a quick wank. This happened about four times over the course of a month before I admitted defeat and started getting the train.

Whilst recounting this horrifying saga, I uttered the following words 'it was awful, every time I got on the bus I'd be thinking O'God please don't let him be on the bus'. Unfortunately my nemesis skipped into the office at this point and said 'Oh is she talking about me, every time I see her on the bus she tries to hide behind a book or a newspaper.'

Incredibly he thought the hysterical laughter that followed was at his 'witty' quip about my deeply evil, anti-social and dangerous habit of reading on the bus. Not a man used to people laughing at his jokes he proceeded to do a sort of Kevin the teenager style walk up and down the office, moaning and droning 'I'm reading a book, don't speak to me'. This was apparently an impression of me. He carried this on a good minute after we'd all stopped laughing, gone back to our desks and resumed work. He still doesn't know that he has walked into his place of work and admitted to wanking on buses.


Posted by Clairwil at 10:55 PM BST
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Clairwil Is Vindicated!
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Alice In Vain-Sleeper
Topic: Twat

I have just returned from a residential training course which I attended with several work colleagues including my nemesis who I have written about in earlier posts.

Anyway for ages I have suspected that he is a sex offender and severely mentally disturbed and it would appear that I am right. We were all out drinking after the days work and my irritating work colleague's mental behaviour has,at long last, brought people round to my way of thinking.

We first became alarmed when he started pawing a clearly horrified and embarrassed female who had the misfortune to sit beside him at dinner. Later in the bar he started pawing at two men who had made the terrible error of engaging him in conversation. From then on his behaviour became increasingly bizarre. Please bear in mind that he'd only had about four pints by this stage. He caused me a great deal of alarm when he suddenly stood up pointed at me and began muttering about 'drugs and porn' and 'fucking lying bitches' then he put both hands on my shoulders started laughing and said 'I'm only kidding you on'. I had not mentioned drugs and porn at any stage during the day, nor had I or any of the other females present told any lies that I'm aware of. It was at this moment I realised that he was likely to go over the edge at any moment and set about ensuring he was never without a drink in the hope he would progress to a sackable offence.

We then went to have a look at the entertainment and this is where everyone got really frightened. The entertainment was the standard issue covers band that usually get booked for these things. You know the type of thing, a few middle aged men doing competent covers of popular chart hits. Not my cup of tea but bearable as background music.

My irritating work colleague however was enraged by the covers band, in particular their cover of the Tony Christie hit 'Is this the Way to Amarillo'. Instead of muttering about how shite the band were like a normal person, he began thrashing about in his chair, screaming and doing mimes of shooting and strangling himself. His rocking and thrashing became so violent that the chair fell backwards throwing him onto the floor. To my amusement this did not shock him into behaving normally and he continued rolling and thrashing about and screaming like a wounded animal. Eventually he got up and sat shouting 'shite' and 'fuck off' over and over again like a mantra of madness. Oddly enough nobody came over to our table to chat. Anyway he seemed to recover slightly and got up to dance. Well I say dance, what I really mean is he did a 'spastic' walk
round the dance floor pausing occasionally to sexually harass women and then do these really bizarre poses which appeared to include Nazi salutes.

Things got really sinister later on when we were all going back to our rooms. We had walked one of our female colleagues back to her room as she was staying in a different block, when we got to her room he barged in and refused to leave. We eventually convinced him to leave and walked back over to our rooms. My other colleague was on the first floor and I discreetly mentioned to her that I was going to go to her room with her for a few minutes as there was no way on God's earth I was getting into a lift to the top floor with my irritating and frankly doolally colleague. This made him angry, very angry indeed. We started at the closing lift doors in total shock and disbelief as he began thrashing about the lift punching the walls and screaming.

I should point out that we had all had roughly the same amount to drink. I had matched him pint for pint and was a bit merry but certainly not mad drunk. He is clearly a highly disturbed individual which has been obvious to me for quite some time. More alarming still he had no memory of the previous evening at all when we were discussing it this morning. I'm seriously worried about the personal safety of the staff in our workplace. I'm also concerned that he deals with a very vulnerable client base, often visiting them in their homes. If Amarillo came on the radio during a home visit some of these people would never recover from the trauma.


Posted by Clairwil at 11:04 PM BST
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Why I Hate Julie Bindel
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Virginia Plain- Roxy Music
Topic: Twat


For reasons I cannot begin to fathom Julie Bindel was allowed to spew out more of her unhinged shite in Mondays Guardian. Every time I see that vile woman or read one of her miserable rants I understand why so many women do not identify themselves as feminist. No sentient being would want to be associated with that po- faced nut job.

Anyway her target this time was not lap dancing but harmless old vegetarians. Vegetarians are apparently 'smug and self-satisfied'. They also feel 'superior' to meat eaters. This is based on a single visit to one vegetarian restaurant and what Bindel perceived as the 'atmosphere. I strongly suspect the diners were only feeling 'smug and self satisfied' that they weren't Julie Bindel rather than as a result of any feelings of dietary superiority. I regularly thank God that I am not Julie Bindel. If I were Julie Bindel I would kill myself.

She then peddles the old myth that vegetarians set out to make their meat eating chums feel self conscious about eating meat. I have never once witnessed this in my entire life. In fact almost without exception mealtime discussions on vegetarianism are instigated by meat eaters who often want to know what their vegetarian friends live on. I usually correctly guess vegetables to a smattering of applause.

Later she goes into full 'all women are persecuted' mode. According to Bindel 'giving up meat and dairy has been linked to anorexia and other eating disorders in teenage girls'. Are you beginning to grasp why I hate this woman and wish her dead or at least rendered totally unable to communicate? She is a total fool. The possibility that anorexics might use the appearance of a diet restricted on principle to conceal their disorder cannot of course be considered because that wouldn't fit her not so subtle attempt to link caring about animals with hating women. The only thing I can think of to her credit is that she doesn't trot out that old 'Hitler was a vegetarian' line as if everyone who doesen't eat meat goes round gassing Jews.

However the above is only a warm up for her truly demented rant about the 'nasty, misogynistic wing' of the vegetarian movement. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have got her riled for their fantastic campaigns, particularly one featuring the actress who played Lolita in the 1997 remake because she was billed as the youngest star to pose naked for their anti-fur campaign. I'm sure Ms Bindel believes that women should have access to abortion in order to retain an element of control over their body. Why then does she have such difficulty with them choosing to display their naked bodies to make a point, make money or simply show off? Anyone who read her report for Glasgow City Council on lap dancing could not have failed to pick up on her apparent belief that the authorities should be able prevent women from lap dancing regardless of what the women themselves want. Womens choices in Bindel world are, it would seem, a limited business.

For the record I'm not actually vegetarian. I enjoy a bit of fish but dislike meat. I take the strange and difficult view that, with the exception of cannibalism, what you eat or don't eat is a matter of personal choice and no-one else's business. I expect that is the difference between being a nasty, joyless po-faced feminist twat and a reasonable, thinking human being.


Posted by Clairwil at 10:43 PM BST
Updated: 15/06/05 10:46 PM BST
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Jeremy Clarkson is a Mentalist.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Lucky Man-The Verve
Topic: Twat
Evening all. I'm still reading Piers Morgan's truly fantastic book. Everyone should buy a copy now. Failing that go out and steal one.
Jeremy Clarkson comes out of it looking like an ever bigger twat than I'd previously thought and unhinged to boot. Let's ponder the evidence.
Our pal Piers is offered some paparazzi pictures of Jeremy Clarkson 'kissing a woman who is not his wife in a car', in public and prints them. Clarksons response is to say the least baffling 'You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.' Does this mean he can't get it up? What? But this isn't the end of it. Oh no.
Two years later Jeremy is still denying extra marital antics and harboring a grudge, but eventually accepts an apology. But this isn't the end of it. Oh no.
A year later good old Piers is offered paparazzi pictures of Jeremy Clarkson 'groping' the same woman in an alley. Incredibly Clarkson still insists the whole thing is totally innocent, but it gets better. Jeremy then finds himself on the same plane as Piers and reacts by trying to start a fight and then throwing a glass of water over Piers' breeks. Then he phones Piers later to say he doesn't want a feud and asks if they can put the whole thing behind them.
Of course all that was before he ran into Piers at the Press Gazette awards and apologised again, then called him a cunt and tried to batter him.

There are a number of things that baffle me about this, but most baffling of all is the fact that there are two women in the world that are willing to sleep with Jeremy Clarkson. Can it be true? Is he paying them? Does he drug them? What?
I am also alarmed at the epic stupidity this behaviour betrays. If you were a celebrity involved in some extra marital gymnastics that you didn't want people to know about, would you not be trying to keep the tabloids sweet, in the hope they would turn a blind eye?
However perhaps most disturbing of all is his complete inability to take responsibility for his own actions. A definite psycho. I've never trusted car bores and have long suspected all that uncomplicated blokey stuff is a cover for something far darker and uglier.
I can't make my mind up whats funnier, the above or Cherie Blair's straight faced insistence that she and Tony are socialists.

Other than that nothing much to report. I'm still skint. You can still help.

Finallyis this a joke?

Posted by Clairwil at 9:35 PM GMT
Updated: 14/03/05 10:28 PM GMT
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Prince Charles
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Americas Sweetheart-Courtney Love
Topic: Twat
I have long been aware that Prince Charles is a loathsome, self-pitying half wit but his recent remarks suggest I may have been too soft on him.
Here is a man who swans into Oxford with piss poor exam results because his mother is Queen. Gets handed a nineteen year old virgin when he decides to get married because his mother is Queen. Will one day be head of state because his mother is Queen.
A man who if forced to go into the real world and succeed on natural skill and ability would be lucky to get a job as a janitor. Yet he sees fit to lecture the rest of us on accepting our limitations and knowing our place. I am only too painfully aware of my place in society. For example I know that from the moment I was conceived no matter what talent I may have gone on to possess I was unfit to be head of state in my own country. When that jug-eared waste of tax payers money actually achieves something on the basis of hard work and merit I'll be happy to listen to his opinions. In the meantime he really should keep his mouth shut and go back to killing wildlife and fucking old trout.
Could we not go back to beheading these people?

Posted by Clairwil at 8:42 PM GMT
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