Now Playing: Hardly Wait- PJ Harvey
Topic: I Am No Longer On Holiday
I am home. Back in Glasgow. God the excitement! I have had a lovely sunny few days which I have spent swanning around Amsterdam in the sunshine. Amsterdam is a great place but sadly popular with stag parties. Oh yes and hen parties. British stag and hen parties. There I was minding my own business swigging a pint of Amstel at a nice wee table outside a nice wee pub, when a stag party from Leeds appeared. Oh what complete and utter fannies they were. Firstly they started rolling joints and were outraged when the waitress told them to stop. They yelped, they shouted, they made 'spastic' gestures and said 'this is fucking Amsterdam' to the Dutch waitress. Suitably chastened they then took to screaming 'tits' and 'how much for a wank/blowjob?' at every woman under forty that passed. Well I say every woman, what I mean is every woman not accompanied by a man and either alone or in a group of two or three. Seven men to gang up on between one to three women at a time, what a brave bunch they were!
The most disturbing thing of all about this group of total fucking halfwits was that the 'groom' had brought his father and they claimed to have visited prostitutes the previous evening. The son apparently failed to perform which his father was taking great delight in repeating to the world
at top volume. I don't mind people visiting prostitutes but I don't think it should be discussed within families. My philosophy is 'enlightened hypocrisy' and I intend to write a book about it.
Why is it that some men revert to the age of fourteen as soon as there are more than two of them present? I was strolling past 'Teasers' which is staffed by young ladies with generous buttocks wearing thongs and cropped tops, when I witnessed what appeared to be a chap seeing a hint of tit for the first time in his life. He blushed, he dribbled, he grinned, almost made a grab at the be-thonged waitress before blurting out 'I like your top'. The waitress was naturally disgusted but restrained herself from clocking him one. It has been a long time since I have laughed so much.
It's just a thought, but it occurs to me that whilst most of the opposition to the sex industry is motivated by puritanism, I suspect what offends many people is the boorish, baboon like behaviour of men in the presence of a scantily clad woman. To that end I intend to open a chain of strip clubs staffed entirely by heavily armed women. You have been warned.
Anyway having totally alienated my male readership, I will now set about getting rid of the women. There were, as I mentioned earlier 'hen parties'. Oh My God! I was on my way to Museumplein when I encountered a large group of large women wearing clothes approximately three sizes too small shouting 'ride the python'. The leader of the plump posse was wearing hilarious novelty glasses with a penis instead of a nose. Oh my sides.
Other than the above I enjoyed my holiday very much and have feasted on egg, cheese, chips, salad, bread and pasta like an Atkins dieter's nightmare. I have swanned about museums, sat in squares, drunk my own body weight in lovely cold beer, taken morning strolls through the red light district and got lost. I have made small talk with Swedish pensioners, been on a boat and seen lots of small dogs. I have had a very, very happy few days.