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Clairwil
10/10/05
Clairwil Fights An Executive Chair
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Season Of The Witch- Donovan
Topic: Hiya

Evening,

Have you ever sat in fascinated horror watching a really bad comedian making a dull series of cliched jokes about pants and buses? No? Well you have a choice, either track down a video of Alan Davies or keep reading this post.

I have had a run in with flat pack furniture. Before I continue, let me debunk a few myths. All the relevant parts were present and correct, as indeed they always are when I buy cheapo flat pack. The instructions were in simple clear English, not Arabic or Japanese, but simple English of the sort that could be readily understood by a five year old of average reading ability. Even without the help of the instructions it was obvious where everything went.

When my new chair was being ordered I giggled, I ranted, I shrieked, I behaved like a loon and demanded the 'Executive' chair. I saw it in the catalogue and fell in love with the sexy, big, black leather monster. People tried to reason with me, they showed me red chairs, pink chairs, patterned chairs but to no avail. 'Respect my authority, get the the executive, I demanded.' Unfortunately they did. Readers be very careful what you wish for.

Now, having met the wretched thing I hate it. Two hours of my fucking life wasted fighting with the merciless seat. The bloody monstrosity just would not stay still whilst I assembled it, worse still every time it moved (roughly three times a second) it made a noise akin to a flatulent pig. Thank fuck the person assisting me was deaf otherwise I'd have been forced to acknowledge the undignified racket and issue denials. The only drop of comfort I can draw from the whole unfortunate episode is that it isn't even real leather. For the death of a cow to have resulted in the production of such a foul and wicked item would have been too much for me bear.

Cheerio

Posted by Clairwil at 10:30 PM BST
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09/10/05
Clairwil Goes Mad With Boredom
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Colorado Springs- Sack
Topic: Dear God I am so bored.

Evening,

A rather uneventful weekend to round of an uneventful week. I had the builders in on Saturday morning for all of two seconds. I have never been so surprised in all my life. They walked in looked at the vast gaping hole in my ceiling and said 'oh thats a shame', whispered to each other and then said 'right that's us' and left.

Call me naive, but I had faith in builders until yesterday, perhaps because I'd never had any proper dealings with them. In fact I tend to avoid them due to their habit of hanging off scaffolding shouting at everything in a skirt. I was ten the first time that happened, if only there had been the same fuss about kiddie fiddling then that there is now, I'd have had the lot of them lynched.

Moving on Steve has written a very good post about Robbie Williams' comments on the Kate Moss scandal. So good in fact that I have nothing to add to it, except to state that I never thought I'd say 'I agree entirely with Robbie Williams' and mean it.


Finally I have news of a new blog. It is called 'A Mischief Of Magpies' and it needs you, yes you. As the kind and benevolent ruler of this new blog I am graciously allowing other people to contribute. I have e-mailed several people and am awaiting their responses with baited breath. If any lurkers that I haven't e-mailed would like to be involved, let me know and I'll forward you the details.


Cheerio

Posted by Clairwil at 10:32 PM BST
Updated: 09/10/05 10:40 PM BST
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07/10/05
Oh God!
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Aimless Post
Good Evening,

It's been a rather uneventful few days notable only for this being the week I lost all interest in politics. I used to be a political fiend. It distressed me to see all these buffoons trying to run the show and making an arse of it, when I'd do it so much better. I will now strive to know nothing about politics and world events. I did that by taking rather a lot of drugs in the early nineties. It was great. I know virtually nothing about what happened at that time to the extent that the Bosnian war is a total mystery to me. Mind you, I followed the run up to the present war avidly and they still went ahead despite my objections. The arrogant bastards.

I just feel so despondent about politics at present. This government are becoming increasingly nasty, authoritarian and arrogant and only about five people seem to mind about it. Come the election the great unwashed of Glasgow will trundle out and vote Labour because their parents did.

Over the last few months in work I have been attending meetings with a local councillor. I concede the man is very funny but only because he is an idiot with an odd obsession with chocolate biscuits. He can barely string a comprehensible sentence together. He is unfit to hold public office for so many reasons. Yet he has a gigantic majority. Why? What's the attraction in him?

Oh God! Why has that fucking woman just appeared on my telly. Yes It's the pun queen Kathy Lette. I fucking hate that monstrosity. I don't mind the odd pun or as Kathy would have it I like a bit of punnilingus. ARRRRGH! I want to feed her head first through a paper shredder screaming 'poor puns are not wit'. The poor Vucaj family get deported yet that fucking boot Lette is allowed to remain here. There is no justice!

Bloody hell! Who'd have thought Kathy Lette would revive my interest in politics?


Cheerio


Posted by Clairwil at 11:24 PM BST
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06/10/05
What Are You In Your Present Life?
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Hello,

I am currently 'strangely compelling' like a cult leader.




You Are 80% Weird



You're more than quirky, you're downright strange.

But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

Posted by Clairwil at 7:21 PM BST
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Who Were You In A Past Life?
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Red Top Hot Shot Beep Beep Beep- Queen B
Topic: Hiya
Hello,

I have just discovered that I used to be a Bolivian beekeeper before I died of consumption. Fancy that!




In a Past Life...



You Were: A Kind Beekeeper.



Where You Lived: Boliva.



How You Died: Consumption.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Posted by Clairwil at 7:06 PM BST
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05/10/05
Yuck!
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Suffer Little Children-The Smiths
Topic: Aimless Post
Dear God..

Why is there a a market for this?

'Animal of the day is at the bottom of the page.


Goodbye

Posted by Clairwil at 10:51 PM BST
Updated: 06/10/05 7:17 AM BST
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04/10/05
Accidental Comedy Gold
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Andrea Dworkin



Good evening,

I got home this evening to find the phone ringing and made the mistake of answering it. It was my boyfriend canceling me for tomorrow evening. I have never been so furious in all my life. He's had his last blow job from me until at least next April.


Anyway moving on, I was looking at my blog stats this evening and noticed that someone had arrived at this blog looking for Andrea Dworkin in Google Images. 'That's queer' I thought. 'I like my readers why would I put a picture of that grotesque creature on my blog? It simply isn't the sort of thing I do.' I put all of my technical know how to use and clicked the link, only to be confronted with 'Ass In Car' by Richard Kern. It would appear that in a moment of absent mindedness or divinely inspired mischief I'd saved the picture under the subject of my post rather than it's rightful title. Oh dear!

Those of you have been reading long enough to know how my mind works will know what's coming next. I am issuing my fellow bloggers a challenge. Just for fun let us see how many inappropriate images we can get into Google for Andrea Dworkin. Just imagine, in years to come frisky adolescents could be keying 'Andrea Dworkin' into search engines whilst looking for smut. The gauntlet has been thrown down, you know what to do next.

Cheerio


Posted by Clairwil at 10:34 PM BST
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03/10/05
Together We Can Defeat This Madness.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Nations Best Loved Poems- BBC Radio Collection.
Topic: The horror the horror!




Good Evening,

A bit of a cobbled together collection of tit bits for you this evening.

Firstly I would like to express my outrage at the horrifying fate that has befallen Steve. Poor Steve is being tormented by a maniac who has an unhealthy obsession with Christina Aguilera. The maniac is fucking up his stats by repeatedly visiting his blog looking for Ms Aguilera, either that, or they have sat on their mouse mid search. The mind boggles. In any case I hope the perpetrator has rocks and boots thrown at his head when he is caught.


Moving on, I have some consumer news for you. Yes readers I have come over all Watchdog! As we are all aware, banks are cunts. Evil cunts who like nothing better to bankrupt you with absurd and extortionate bank charges. Well readers you no longer have to stand for it. The lovely people at The Govan Law Centre have a handy online guide to getting bank charges refunded. It's as easy as falling off a log. I have tried it and it worked a treat. The legal bits apply in Scotland, England and Wales so people the UK over can unite to piss off a few banks. Perhaps if we really try we might be able to put a couple out of business. Won't that be a hoot?

Finally Alan has returned from his fishing trip. He very nearly caught a giant fish but it escaped. I'm quite disappointed at this news as I was hoping to bully a trout or two out of him, so that I could have them stuffed and mounted and tell everyone I caught them with my bare hands. I'm afraid I behaved rather badly the last time I was given a fish. My neighbour at my parents caught a vast salmon and very kindly gave us a bit. I ate one small mouthful which I spat out, complaining that I only ate tinned salmon. In my defence I was only seven at the time.


Cheerio



Posted by Clairwil at 11:14 PM BST
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02/10/05
Behold The Big Things.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: I Wanna Be Your Dog-Iggy Pop
Topic: Hurrah!


Good evening,

It's big things frenzy at Clairwil towers. Apparently Australia is littered with these peculiar structures. I think they're wonderful. Imagine driving along, bored stupid when all of a sudden you spot a giant lobster or a giant Ned Kelly. You'd be cock-a-hoop!

As ever my joy is tinged with anger. Why don't we have 'big things' in Britain? This should be an election issue. Think how much happier we'd all be if we had a smattering of 'big things' throughout the land. For example a truly boring piece of architecture has appeared near my home. It's purpose is to provide accommodation for students. Think how much better it would have been if they had built a giant owl in a mortar board for the students to live in. Anyone who has strolled down the High st in Glasgow recently is bound to agree with me. I'm thinking of writing to my MP about this, in the unlikely event I get a response I will of course let you know. You can see more 'big things' here and here.

Thank-you to Steve for supplying me with links to the 'big things'

Before I leave you, I have added a link to my furl archive in my sidebar, should any of you be interested in what I have been gawping at on the net.


Cheerio


Posted by Clairwil at 8:29 PM BST
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01/10/05
I'm Feeling A Bit T.S Eliotish, Since You Ask.
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Good evening,

I came across this quiz whilst wandering about the web. It claims to supply you with a poem to match your mood. I'm not altogether convinced as I'm feeling rather chipper just now. Anyway here is the poem I got.


Morning at the window

THEY are rattling breakfast plates in basement kitchens,
And along the trampled edges of the street
I am aware of the damp souls of housemaids
Sprouting despondently at area gates.

The brown waves of fog toss up to me
Twisted faces from the bottom of the street,
And tear from a passer-by with muddy skirts
An aimless smile that hovers in the air
And vanishes along the level of the roofs.

T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)


Posted by Clairwil at 5:34 PM BST
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