Together We Can Defeat This Madness.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Nations Best Loved Poems- BBC Radio Collection.
Topic: The horror the horror!




Good Evening,

A bit of a cobbled together collection of tit bits for you this evening.

Firstly I would like to express my outrage at the horrifying fate that has befallen Steve. Poor Steve is being tormented by a maniac who has an unhealthy obsession with Christina Aguilera. The maniac is fucking up his stats by repeatedly visiting his blog looking for Ms Aguilera, either that, or they have sat on their mouse mid search. The mind boggles. In any case I hope the perpetrator has rocks and boots thrown at his head when he is caught.


Moving on, I have some consumer news for you. Yes readers I have come over all Watchdog! As we are all aware, banks are cunts. Evil cunts who like nothing better to bankrupt you with absurd and extortionate bank charges. Well readers you no longer have to stand for it. The lovely people at The Govan Law Centre have a handy online guide to getting bank charges refunded. It's as easy as falling off a log. I have tried it and it worked a treat. The legal bits apply in Scotland, England and Wales so people the UK over can unite to piss off a few banks. Perhaps if we really try we might be able to put a couple out of business. Won't that be a hoot?

Finally Alan has returned from his fishing trip. He very nearly caught a giant fish but it escaped. I'm quite disappointed at this news as I was hoping to bully a trout or two out of him, so that I could have them stuffed and mounted and tell everyone I caught them with my bare hands. I'm afraid I behaved rather badly the last time I was given a fish. My neighbour at my parents caught a vast salmon and very kindly gave us a bit. I ate one small mouthful which I spat out, complaining that I only ate tinned salmon. In my defence I was only seven at the time.


Cheerio

Behold The Big Things.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: I Wanna Be Your Dog-Iggy Pop
Topic: Hurrah!


Good evening,

It's big things frenzy at Clairwil towers. Apparently Australia is littered with these peculiar structures. I think they're wonderful. Imagine driving along, bored stupid when all of a sudden you spot a giant lobster or a giant Ned Kelly. You'd be cock-a-hoop!

As ever my joy is tinged with anger. Why don't we have 'big things' in Britain? This should be an election issue. Think how much happier we'd all be if we had a smattering of 'big things' throughout the land. For example a truly boring piece of architecture has appeared near my home. It's purpose is to provide accommodation for students. Think how much better it would have been if they had built a giant owl in a mortar board for the students to live in. Anyone who has strolled down the High st in Glasgow recently is bound to agree with me. I'm thinking of writing to my MP about this, in the unlikely event I get a response I will of course let you know. You can see more 'big things' here and here.

Thank-you to Steve for supplying me with links to the 'big things'

Before I leave you, I have added a link to my furl archive in my sidebar, should any of you be interested in what I have been gawping at on the net.


Cheerio

I'm Feeling A Bit T.S Eliotish, Since You Ask.
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya
Good evening,

I came across this quiz whilst wandering about the web. It claims to supply you with a poem to match your mood. I'm not altogether convinced as I'm feeling rather chipper just now. Anyway here is the poem I got.


Morning at the window

THEY are rattling breakfast plates in basement kitchens,
And along the trampled edges of the street
I am aware of the damp souls of housemaids
Sprouting despondently at area gates.

The brown waves of fog toss up to me
Twisted faces from the bottom of the street,
And tear from a passer-by with muddy skirts
An aimless smile that hovers in the air
And vanishes along the level of the roofs.

T. S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)

Dog Bark Park
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Clouds-Hole
Topic: Hurrah!


Good evening,

Look at this! It is a hotel in the shape of a beagle. I cannot convey in mere words how happy the existence of this remarkable establishment makes me.
It is my ambition to stay there and enjoy a book in the cosy reading nook situated in the dog shaped hotel's muzzle.

The people who run the hotel sound like top quality, not content with the unique achievement of running the world's best hotel, they also make wooden animals with chainsaws. I think there should be more buildings in the shape of animals. If I could choose I'd live in a big pink pig or a seahorse.

Anyway this wonderful discovery has left me full of questions, so full I may burst. I will list them below and await your responses with baited breath.

1. Have any of you ever stayed in the beagle?
2. Are there other animal shaped buildings?
3. Am I alone in being wildly excited by this?

Cheerio

A Day Without Incident/Doing A Bear
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Los Rancheros- Adam And The Ants
Topic: Hiya

Good Evening,

I am pleased to report that my day passed without incident. I got a bit angry and did 'a bear' at my boyfriend yesterday evening. It was great, he looked quite startled and asked in a panicky voice, 'what's happened, whats wrong, what have I said?'. That's the first 'bear' I've done to him in seven years. There are not many couples who can say they have only had one 'bear' in seven years. For those of you with the good fortune not to be a member of my family 'a bear' is when you adopt the stance of an angry bear on it's hind legs and go 'RAAAR' at someone (see above picture). If you ever find yourself in a really tedious argument, you should try 'a bear'. In my experience it is unbeatable at disarming your opponent.

Cheerio

The Type Of Media Circus That Claimed Diana
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Hand That Rocks The Cradle- The Smiths
Topic: Baffled



Evening,

There I was making notes at the end of a client interview in work today when my life descended into a media circus, the like of which claimed Diana. I'm exaggerating slightly, but it was a most peculiar incident. My clients suddenly started looking all bashful, giggling and whispering to their interpreter. The interpreter then asked me if I would be kind enough to allow them to have their picture taken with me.

Naturally I graciously consented to their touching request, chiefly because I didn't know what else to say. So if any of you ever come across a picture of a puzzled looking white woman standing in between two grinning Pakistani women, you'll know what happened.

The crazy builder last night, the adoring clients today- what on earth is going on? Am I on some sort of Candid Camera style show? Are you all playing tricks on me?

Answers please


Cheerio

Hello

I have just received the following e-mail from Tony Blair advising me that he is holding a live web chat this evening. I'd like to ask him to kill himself but I don't suppose he would. However if any if you would like make him squirm, get your skates on and click the link below now.

There is another chance to ask me a question later today when Tessa Jowell and I will be online for a live web-chat and between us we will be taking your questions and comments from 6.00pm until 7.20pm.

If there is one issue you would like to raise with me, this is your opportunity by logging onto:
Ask Tony

Cheerio

I Fucking Love Mashed Potato!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Big River- Johnny Cash
Topic: Hurrah!

Good God!

I can't believe I forgot to mention Monstermash on Byres Rd, before now. I had the good fortune to pop in for my lunch on Saturday and thought it was fantastic. It is especially good if you are feeling a bit fragile, serving as it does, vast quantities of lovely comfort food at reasonable prices. It also has proper HP brown sauce not the cheap cash and carry stuff seen in lower establishments. I highly recommend it.

Cheerio

Clairwil Is Paid A Compliment
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Fever-Pink Grease
Topic: Aimless Post


Evening,

I came home from work today only to discover that another part of my ceiling had come down. I'm not ashamed to say I was getting rather frightened by this stage and summoned the emergency builder. He seemed a pleasant enough chap, if slightly mad.

I enquired as to what he suspected might be making my ceiling fall down and he replied that I was a very attractive woman. I looked behind me twice and was surprised to note that I was the only woman present. In an attempt to change the subject, I started on about the gutters and the damp. Very attractive, my arse! I spent thirteen years of school being tormented for being a dog, if it hadn't been for underage drinking I'd hardly have pulled at all.

In any case I'm puzzled as to how my personal appearance would cause parts of the ceiling to fall down. Does this happen to attractive men? Can anyone attractive advise me if this is normal? I merely require information.

Cheerio

Sinister Health Nazi Life Squads.
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Is That All there Is?- Peggy Lee
Topic: The horror the horror!


Good Evening,

I'm afraid I must bring you alarming news. We are being governed by maniacs -nosy maniacs. The Scottish Executive have decided to further indulge their love of harassing the unhealthy, by sending health workers into poor areas to target people at risk of illness, in their own homes.

Imagine, sitting at home smoking a fag and tucking into a pie, when you hear a knock at the door. You answer it, only to be confronted by some obnoxious health bore. These people make me want to smoke crack and inject smack into my eyeballs. They make me want to smoke three fags at a time and eat blocks of lard. I hate them. I don't hold with violence; however I'll make an exception in this case. If anyone is confronted with one of these meddling arseholes on their doorstep, they have the moral duty, if not the right, to kill them.

When did smokers, fatties and people with a family history of certain conditions consent to forfeiting the right to a life free of unreasonable state intrusion? It is totally unacceptable in a democracy for the state to invade peoples privacy and harass them in such a manner over matters of personal choice. There should be riots in the streets over this. At the very least the minister responsible should be kicked repeatedly in the face or sat on by a fatty. I knew banning smoking in those temples of healthy living -pubs, was only the start.

There is also, as ever, the issue of money. Katherine Murphy of the Patients Association correctly states that;

"I can't see how this exercise is going to be effective. How do they identify the people they are going to see? If the Scottish Executive has some extra funding it is needing to spend, it would be better spent on actually improving patient care. The list of areas that need more resources is endless: waiting times, more nurses, doctors, GPs, dentists. This exercise will only increase waiting lists further."

As this plan, is in fact, going to cost the NHS more money and make it even less efficient, I can only assume there is a more sinister purpose behind this scheme. My suspicion is that they are trying to force those who can afford it to go private and skip the massive queues this will create, which will allow them to run the NHS into the ground. You mark my words in twenty years time people will be rattling on about single mothers and other scroungers who use the health service.

Cheerio