A Day Without Incident/Doing A Bear
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Los Rancheros- Adam And The Ants
Topic: Hiya

Good Evening,

I am pleased to report that my day passed without incident. I got a bit angry and did 'a bear' at my boyfriend yesterday evening. It was great, he looked quite startled and asked in a panicky voice, 'what's happened, whats wrong, what have I said?'. That's the first 'bear' I've done to him in seven years. There are not many couples who can say they have only had one 'bear' in seven years. For those of you with the good fortune not to be a member of my family 'a bear' is when you adopt the stance of an angry bear on it's hind legs and go 'RAAAR' at someone (see above picture). If you ever find yourself in a really tedious argument, you should try 'a bear'. In my experience it is unbeatable at disarming your opponent.

Cheerio

The Type Of Media Circus That Claimed Diana
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: The Hand That Rocks The Cradle- The Smiths
Topic: Baffled



Evening,

There I was making notes at the end of a client interview in work today when my life descended into a media circus, the like of which claimed Diana. I'm exaggerating slightly, but it was a most peculiar incident. My clients suddenly started looking all bashful, giggling and whispering to their interpreter. The interpreter then asked me if I would be kind enough to allow them to have their picture taken with me.

Naturally I graciously consented to their touching request, chiefly because I didn't know what else to say. So if any of you ever come across a picture of a puzzled looking white woman standing in between two grinning Pakistani women, you'll know what happened.

The crazy builder last night, the adoring clients today- what on earth is going on? Am I on some sort of Candid Camera style show? Are you all playing tricks on me?

Answers please


Cheerio

Hello

I have just received the following e-mail from Tony Blair advising me that he is holding a live web chat this evening. I'd like to ask him to kill himself but I don't suppose he would. However if any if you would like make him squirm, get your skates on and click the link below now.

There is another chance to ask me a question later today when Tessa Jowell and I will be online for a live web-chat and between us we will be taking your questions and comments from 6.00pm until 7.20pm.

If there is one issue you would like to raise with me, this is your opportunity by logging onto:
Ask Tony

Cheerio

I Fucking Love Mashed Potato!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Big River- Johnny Cash
Topic: Hurrah!

Good God!

I can't believe I forgot to mention Monstermash on Byres Rd, before now. I had the good fortune to pop in for my lunch on Saturday and thought it was fantastic. It is especially good if you are feeling a bit fragile, serving as it does, vast quantities of lovely comfort food at reasonable prices. It also has proper HP brown sauce not the cheap cash and carry stuff seen in lower establishments. I highly recommend it.

Cheerio

Clairwil Is Paid A Compliment
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Fever-Pink Grease
Topic: Aimless Post


Evening,

I came home from work today only to discover that another part of my ceiling had come down. I'm not ashamed to say I was getting rather frightened by this stage and summoned the emergency builder. He seemed a pleasant enough chap, if slightly mad.

I enquired as to what he suspected might be making my ceiling fall down and he replied that I was a very attractive woman. I looked behind me twice and was surprised to note that I was the only woman present. In an attempt to change the subject, I started on about the gutters and the damp. Very attractive, my arse! I spent thirteen years of school being tormented for being a dog, if it hadn't been for underage drinking I'd hardly have pulled at all.

In any case I'm puzzled as to how my personal appearance would cause parts of the ceiling to fall down. Does this happen to attractive men? Can anyone attractive advise me if this is normal? I merely require information.

Cheerio

Sinister Health Nazi Life Squads.
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Is That All there Is?- Peggy Lee
Topic: The horror the horror!


Good Evening,

I'm afraid I must bring you alarming news. We are being governed by maniacs -nosy maniacs. The Scottish Executive have decided to further indulge their love of harassing the unhealthy, by sending health workers into poor areas to target people at risk of illness, in their own homes.

Imagine, sitting at home smoking a fag and tucking into a pie, when you hear a knock at the door. You answer it, only to be confronted by some obnoxious health bore. These people make me want to smoke crack and inject smack into my eyeballs. They make me want to smoke three fags at a time and eat blocks of lard. I hate them. I don't hold with violence; however I'll make an exception in this case. If anyone is confronted with one of these meddling arseholes on their doorstep, they have the moral duty, if not the right, to kill them.

When did smokers, fatties and people with a family history of certain conditions consent to forfeiting the right to a life free of unreasonable state intrusion? It is totally unacceptable in a democracy for the state to invade peoples privacy and harass them in such a manner over matters of personal choice. There should be riots in the streets over this. At the very least the minister responsible should be kicked repeatedly in the face or sat on by a fatty. I knew banning smoking in those temples of healthy living -pubs, was only the start.

There is also, as ever, the issue of money. Katherine Murphy of the Patients Association correctly states that;

"I can't see how this exercise is going to be effective. How do they identify the people they are going to see? If the Scottish Executive has some extra funding it is needing to spend, it would be better spent on actually improving patient care. The list of areas that need more resources is endless: waiting times, more nurses, doctors, GPs, dentists. This exercise will only increase waiting lists further."

As this plan, is in fact, going to cost the NHS more money and make it even less efficient, I can only assume there is a more sinister purpose behind this scheme. My suspicion is that they are trying to force those who can afford it to go private and skip the massive queues this will create, which will allow them to run the NHS into the ground. You mark my words in twenty years time people will be rattling on about single mothers and other scroungers who use the health service.

Cheerio

A Rival Blog
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Hardly Wait-PJ Harvey
Topic: A Website!
Good Afternoon,

Readers, I bring you the shock news that guest blogger Ewen has started a rival blog. As you will know, I hate to complain, but he has failed to add link to my blog. The ingratitude!

Cheerio

Out On My Travels.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Rain- Missy Elliot
Topic: I'm still on holiday.
Good evening,

I must apologise for the lack of posts over the last few days but I have been out socialising. Yes, people actually want to speak to me again. Hurrah!

On Friday I woke up to the awful discovery that part of my ceiling had fallen in, so spent most of the day harassing my factors. I then had to dash out at half past four to meet my friend and regular reader Alisdair, who had kindly agreed to accompany me to the opening of 'The Philosophers Garden' by Robin Gillanders at the Scottish National Portrait Gallery in Edinburgh. I'm glad I went and enjoyed it very much. I had hoped to write something intelligent about the exhibition but a waiter kept following me about and giving me free wine in a shameless and ultimately successful attempt to sabotage my brain and note taking ability. I do recall being particularly taken with the composition of several of the pictures and finding one very atmospheric.

We also met two very amusing gentlemen of advanced years who as far as I could make out are spending their twilight years attending art exhibitions and quaffing the free drink. They are an example to us all.

I recommend that you go and have a stoat round Robin's exhibition, which is a treat, and runs until November 2005. I also recommend you have a read at this article about Ian Hamilton Finlay whose garden 'Little Sparta' is the subject of many of the photographs in the exhibition. I'm ashamed to say I'd never heard of Mr Hamilton Finlay prior to the exhibition and am completely unfamiliar with his work, however now that he has come to my attention I plan to undertake a bit of research.


Cheerio

Thank The Lord For The September Weekend.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: NYC-Interpol
Topic: I'm on Holiday!
Evening,

My faith in life is restored. Today, I saved not one, but two families from eviction and I no longer feel pointless. After such a stressful day I am, of course, exhausted. My boss also threatened to kill my nemesis which made me very, very happy indeed. I will of course be even happier if she does it.

I also have time off tomorrow and Monday, so I intend to spend the weekend lazing about, an activity at which I excel.

Last night, I paid a visit to the newly refurbished Black Bull on the High Street, accompanied by a gentleman whose name cannot be revealed on this blog. I must say I was particularly pleased at getting a slice of cake from a lady called Maggie who was celebrating her birthday. Anyway the Bull is looking very nice and I'm very fond of it. It reminds me a bit of The Grapes in 'Early Doors'. A pub is not a pub, unless it's full of old men who seem to spend their entire pension on lager.

There we are, on Sunday I was ready for killing myself, on Monday I felt like killing everyone else and today I'm tired but happy. That makes me very optimistic for the future.


Cheerio

Leave Kate Moss Alone!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Honest Mistake- The Bravery
Topic: Trivia

Evening,

Readers I have a confession. I once took cocaine.
The only reason it was once was because I was unemployed at the time and couldn't afford it. Otherwise I'd only have one nostril now, see poverty is not always a bad thing.

Anyway the point I'm making is that if I had Kate Moss's looks and money I'd spend all my time snorting coke and shagging people and so would half the people tut-tutting over her predicament. So would you. I'd never seen the appeal of Miss Moss before, now it all makes sense. She is a slapper and as such my sister.

In any case she's shagging Pete Doherty, how boring would that be if you weren't wasted? Let's face it the poor boy probably sits about talking drug induced nonsense all day, the woman is just trying to get onto his wavelength. Leave her alone!

On to an entirely different topic, I noticed an article in yesterdays Metro about the election in Afghanistan. The candidates each have a small photo and symbol beside their name to help illiterate voters pick the right one. The article advises that each candidate picked the symbol that 'meant most to them'. I can't help feeling, taking into account recent history and resentment towards the USA, that the fellow who picked two planes as his symbol might be at something of an advantage. Rumours that he had to be dissuaded from using the following symbol are as yet unconfirmed.





Cheerio