O' Christ What A Hangover!
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The Drowners-Suede
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone


Good Evening,

If I seem ill tempered blame guest blogger Ewen. He arrived at my home last night and forced me to drink large quantities of alcohol until six in the morning. I actually am getting to old for this, which is the downside of being an early developer in adolescence. Anyway after guest blogger Ewen's departure I fell asleep on the couch only to be awoken at the ungodly hour of 10am by a republican march. That's an Irish republican march by the way, most of the marchers had that bovine Labour voter look about them so probably aren't fans of the idea of an independent Scotland free of the vile monarchy. Ironically for someone with my views on Scottish Independence, Northern Ireland and the monarchy I prefer a good Orange walk. There is a jauntiness there that is totally absent in Republican marches. Today our republican chums were carrying a banner with the message 'Garngad Remembers the Hunger Strikers'. I can't help but feel that if Bobby Sands and pals had known they would be remembered in Garngad they would have demanded a round of bacon sandwiches and still be with us today. For those of you unfamiliar with the Garngad area of Glasgow, consider yourselves very fortunate indeed. Garngad in modern social welfare language is an area of 'multiple deprivation'. Of course as it wouldn't annoy Rangers fans you won't see any Garngadders marching against poverty or poor housing or to demand equal opportunities. This is what depresses me about these clowns, they'll march to protest against someone farting in the vicinity of an Irishman but wouldn't dream of taking to the streets to protest against the misery the state causes them in their own lives. In any case I note that none of them feel so strongly about the British occupation of Northern Ireland that they'd go and live there. No instead they conspire to make my chronic hangover far worse by marching up and down the High Street taking full advantage of the protection of the crown forces and achieving nothing. Still brilliant drumming though.


Cheerio

Robin, Reveal Youself This Instant.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Hurt-Johnny Cash
Topic: Hurrah!
Evening/Morning/God Knows,

Having consumed rather a lot tea this evening I find myself unable to sleep. I'll regret that tomorrow/today. Unlike last might when I had a dirty big man to play with I am alone and now turn to you, my merry band of readers for amusement.

As I have stated on numerous occasions on this blog I am obsessed to the point of insanity with hits so I was very pleased to see a new referrer on my stats thing. The new link is on this blog, which is entitled 'These Moments'which is written by some fellow who reckons his name is Alan and is naturally of a very high standard. I'm particularly amused at the fine company I'm in on Alan's blog. One minute he's quoting Satre, the next he's referring people to my blog. I can't help feeling people might be disappointed, although everyone, no matter how clever, secretly loves a glance at The Sun, so perhaps I'll amuse them in a similar way. Anyway apparently Alan was acting under the instructions of a fellow known only as 'Robin' when he added the link. Who is Robin?
Why has he recommended me? It's all very mysterious and as such I must request, nay command, that Robin reveal himself.

Cheerio

I Refuse To Accept That I'm This Boring
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: My Perogative- Britney Spears
Topic: The horror the horror!
Hello,

I have made what I now realise is the terrible error of doing the quiz featured below. All you need to know is that progressive girl is a horrifyingly, dull, centre left sheep. I am nothing like her. Not even when I'm asleep.

I am Progressive Girl Click on the picture below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

Moving on, I realise that this is very childish of me, but the discovery that there is a shop trading under the nameFrugal Fannies makes me giggle.

Cheerio

Clairwil Attempts To Restore Law And Order.
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: NYC-Interpol
Topic: The Idiots.

Hello,

Some time ago I ranted about a new Franz Ferdinand song entitled 'Robert Anderson Is Jesus Christ' which is about a low life junkie halfwit they appear to have some sort of crush on. It has now been brought to my attention that there is a picture of Mr Anderson on the interweb. As a public service I will link to it below. If you see this man keep a close eye on your possessions.

Look at the thief!

I note from the comments on Flickr that the foul, unwashed, thieving junkie arsehole appears to be keeping a low profile somewhere in the east end of Glasgow perhaps to cut the traveling time involved in robbing the poor. Anyway if you see him and would like to tell someone about it click here or call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111. Oh yes and if anyone ever sees the fucker throwing no doubt stolen lighters at pigeons or any other bird or animal I urge you to bring the full force of the SSPCA down on his repellent pasty head.


Together we can rid society of this pointless, ginger parasite.

Cheerio

Giggling Like A Fool At Fools.
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Pin- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Topic: The Idiots.


Good Afternoon,

I've not mentioned her for a while but in a disgraceful act of cyber bullying I am going to have a good old sneer at Sian's recent blog entries. I'm happy to announce that Sian has now married Mark and her account of the wedding to is truly fucking hilarious.

Here are a few highlights.

'tasha (cbm) started to cry when she saw me in my dress.'

'when it was just me and dad in the house dad told me how sorry he was for everything thats happened between me and him lately and how he was proud of me i then had to remind him to go to the toilet lol.'

'in the morning we had a big breakfast and champagne and it was like a dream.'

I'm sorry but if one of my friends started crying when they saw me in a dress I'd be grossly insulted. I can only assume that these fucking peasants are in such a state of turmoil in a world full of difficult things, like books, that their emotions get all jumbled up and they just react to things in an utterly random way. Like toddlers.

More terrifying still she has to remind her dad to go to the toilet. These people should not be allowed to breed. It's unsafe, they get it all wrong and break things.

I don't know why the bit about the champagne breakfast being like a dream amuses me so much but it does. I suspect it might be to keep myself from crying at Sian's desperately limited horizons.
Anyway I strongly recommend you pay Sian a visit and read the hilarious, semi-literate account of her peasanty wedding and it's Robbie Williams soundtrack. For those of a nervous disposition I should warn you she's banging on about the unusually high number of dead people in her life again. Oh yes and she's pregnant.

Moving on to an even bigger twat Tim Westwood has a website. If your sneering muscles can take it please go and watch the jaw-droppingly awful intro and make sure you've got the sound on your computer turned up to get the full embarrassing effect. Is it possible that Tim is mentally deranged, can he not see we are all laughing at him? Why does he persist in carrying on like a black American raised by crack whores in a gangsters armpit?

One final question about bad ass motherfucker, son of a vicar Tim. Can anyone remember the name of the Channel Four programme he got all huffy on when the presenter kept asking him about his vicar dad?

For some reason all this talk of Tim Westwood reminds me of this very funny site.

Cheerio

If Bush Can Cause Hurricanes, I'm Fucking Terrified!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Man Ray- The Futureheads
Topic: The horror the horror!


Evening,

Dr Feelgood has beaten me to the punch somewhat on this but this is my blog and that's that. For the record let me state that I hate George Bush to the point of madness. I loathe his gormless chimp face and epic stupidity. If it was possible to blame him for the hurricane I would have done so. Loudly and repeatedly.

As regular readers may be aware I'm only Scottish but given that our news is dominated by events in America I reserve the right to comment.

What Bush, as the man in charge, should take the blame for is the disgraceful delay in responding to the tragedy and I sincerely hope that this is something he will be held to account for. However the British news coverage is giving the impression that Bush is being blamed for the hurricane itself as a result of his environmental record, for the people left behind who were too poor to arrange transport etc to escape and for too few members of the National Guard being on hand due to the Iraq war.

Well, I'm no scientist but even if Bush had the most fantastic, green, environmental policy possible, it would take several years to take effect and would be unlikely to have prevented Hurricane Katrina. Secondly hurricanes have always occurred in that part of the world, so it's impossible to say with any degree of certainty that this one was as the result of man made environmental problems. I'm quite sure Bush's disgraceful environmental record will contribute to some future catastrophe, by which time everyone will be blaming one of his successors, as if these things just drop out the sky after an election.

It is perfectly reasonable to criticise Bush for failing to tackle the problems of America's vast underclass. However this is a criticism that can be leveled at successive American governments both Democrat and Republican. In Britain the vast majority of the public prefer to pay low taxes and keep their own money to spend on cheap consumer goods rather than tackle the problems of the poor and I suspect the same is probably true of Americans on both sides of the political divide. To date I haven't heard any Democrats apologise for their past failures and I suspect I won't. I also suspect I won't hear many Americans offering to pay higher taxes to contribute towards preventing a similar tragedy. You get the society you pay for and politicians of both sides only behave as badly as you let them.

As for the assertion that the war in Iraq prevented the National Guard being mobilised, much as I opposed the Iraq war I'm slightly sceptical on this one. As far as I understand, two thirds of the National Guard were in America at the time. Which may well be less than ideal but I find it hard to believe that they could not have been of any help had they been mobilised as soon as was reasonably possible after the hurricane struck.

It would seem to me that people on the left, many of whom I otherwise respect, are so desperate to do Bush some damage that they are simply pulling random criticisms out the air and missing a real opportunity to obtain some justice for the victims of this appalling tragedy and get Bush bang to rights on something. As I've said before I loathe Bush but I just feel that you destroy your own credibility when you launch into endless random attacks. Bush has done plenty he should be attacked for, there is no need to make these ridiculous tenuous links between events and government policy. I also a little bit queasy at the sight of people making political capital out of a tragedy so soon after the event.

Anyway if you'd like to offer some belated help click here.

Cheerio

I'm Back!
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Hardly Wait- PJ Harvey
Topic: I Am No Longer On Holiday


Hello,

I am home. Back in Glasgow. God the excitement! I have had a lovely sunny few days which I have spent swanning around Amsterdam in the sunshine. Amsterdam is a great place but sadly popular with stag parties. Oh yes and hen parties. British stag and hen parties. There I was minding my own business swigging a pint of Amstel at a nice wee table outside a nice wee pub, when a stag party from Leeds appeared. Oh what complete and utter fannies they were. Firstly they started rolling joints and were outraged when the waitress told them to stop. They yelped, they shouted, they made 'spastic' gestures and said 'this is fucking Amsterdam' to the Dutch waitress. Suitably chastened they then took to screaming 'tits' and 'how much for a wank/blowjob?' at every woman under forty that passed. Well I say every woman, what I mean is every woman not accompanied by a man and either alone or in a group of two or three. Seven men to gang up on between one to three women at a time, what a brave bunch they were!

The most disturbing thing of all about this group of total fucking halfwits was that the 'groom' had brought his father and they claimed to have visited prostitutes the previous evening. The son apparently failed to perform which his father was taking great delight in repeating to the world
at top volume. I don't mind people visiting prostitutes but I don't think it should be discussed within families. My philosophy is 'enlightened hypocrisy' and I intend to write a book about it.

Why is it that some men revert to the age of fourteen as soon as there are more than two of them present? I was strolling past 'Teasers' which is staffed by young ladies with generous buttocks wearing thongs and cropped tops, when I witnessed what appeared to be a chap seeing a hint of tit for the first time in his life. He blushed, he dribbled, he grinned, almost made a grab at the be-thonged waitress before blurting out 'I like your top'. The waitress was naturally disgusted but restrained herself from clocking him one. It has been a long time since I have laughed so much.

It's just a thought, but it occurs to me that whilst most of the opposition to the sex industry is motivated by puritanism, I suspect what offends many people is the boorish, baboon like behaviour of men in the presence of a scantily clad woman. To that end I intend to open a chain of strip clubs staffed entirely by heavily armed women. You have been warned.

Anyway having totally alienated my male readership, I will now set about getting rid of the women. There were, as I mentioned earlier 'hen parties'. Oh My God! I was on my way to Museumplein when I encountered a large group of large women wearing clothes approximately three sizes too small shouting 'ride the python'. The leader of the plump posse was wearing hilarious novelty glasses with a penis instead of a nose. Oh my sides.


Other than the above I enjoyed my holiday very much and have feasted on egg, cheese, chips, salad, bread and pasta like an Atkins dieter's nightmare. I have swanned about museums, sat in squares, drunk my own body weight in lovely cold beer, taken morning strolls through the red light district and got lost. I have made small talk with Swedish pensioners, been on a boat and seen lots of small dogs. I have had a very, very happy few days.

Cheerio

Is Somerfield The Worst Supermarket In Human History?
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: I'm still on holiday.

Good Morning,

I'm still on holiday but coming home today. I know it makes my heart so sad too. But those are the facts and live with them we must.

Today I shall just pose the question: Is Somerfield the worst supermarket ever?

I was in one before I left for my holiday and became distressed at the poverty of the produce on offer. The rotten veg, flies and stench of overcooked chicken was too much for me. I fled to wicked old Tesco.

Nowt to add but my next post will detail my adventures in Amsterdam.


Go on treat yourself.


Cheerio

Mud Wrestling Topless Cats Fucking Real Pints!!!!!!!!!!
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: I'm still on holiday.


Good Morning,

I expect I'll be floating up a canal on a boat of some sort as you read this.

I am just going to mention a few random books I've read and liked recently. I shall not be putting in links to information on them because I can't be arsed and if you're too thick too copy and paste into a browser window you won't have much interest in books.

Yes Man- Danny Wallace
A History Of God- Karen Armstrong
Dare To Be A Daniel- Tony Benn
Reasons To Be Cheerful- Mark Steel
The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists- Robert Tressell
Whisky Galore- Compton Mackenzie
Diary Of A Manhattan Call Girl- Tracy Quan


Cheerio

Clairwil's Blog Round Up.
Hiya,

Were you in work today? I wasn't. I'm on holiday. In Amsterdam.

Anyway here are my six favourite blogs. This list is not in order of preference. I would also like it known that Clairwil is a jealous God and mad like the proper Old Testament God so I don't mind you liking any of these blogs, just don't go liking them better than mine.

1. Hurtling Towards Obscurity. I am going to ask her to interview me. A top notch blog by a top notch blogger.

2.Dr Feelgood. A fine, fine blog about everything and anything, although we don't hear nearly enough from the Horse's Arse in my view. I suspect Steve is censoring the Horse's Arse. The wicked boy!

3. Chase Me Ladies. You heard the man, chase him! Chase him like a scantily clad bird in hot pursuit of Benny Hill.

4. Emerald Bile. The considered opinions of Noreen and Ball Bag.

5.Pondlife. Many posts back I thought Mr Pond had called me a cow. He hadn't and I've been an avid reader of his excellent blog ever since. Sometimes Mr Pond and I laugh about 'cowgate' over a drop or two of malt whiskey in the secret blogger's gang hut, but not that often.

6. The Melancholy Death Of Danny Boy. One day Danny will get a job worthy of his talents until then keep visiting his fine blog.

Cheerio