Fuck The Lot Of You I'm On Holiday.
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: I'm on Holiday!


Hello,

I'm off on holiday again to lovely Amsterdam so will not be posting for a few days. I went to Amsterdam last year and loved it. It's so laid back, there are hookers in windows and you can order egg, chips, cheese and salad for breakfast under the guise of a 'vegetarian Dutch breakfast'.
I love the Dutch! Basically I can swan about eating egg and chips and speaking English but still feel vastly superior to the Brits who go to Benidorm and do likewise because I will visit a museum. Admittedly it will be the sex museum but let us not dwell on such matters.

In my absence I am leaving a few posts which I have prepared earlier and this is the first of these posts. As I have no clue what is going to happen over the next few days I shall recommend things for you to go and look at. That way events cannot overtake me.

Today I would like you all to go and view this fine selection of music.


Cheerio

A Celebrity Love Match Quiz Produces Bizarre Results!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Slow Hands- Interpol
Topic: Trivia



Hello,

There I was in an idle moment footering with the interweb when I chanced upon a celebrity love match quiz, so with a celebrity threesome in mind I answered the questions. Apparently my ideal celebrity shag pals are Jordan and Pete Doherty. It is hard to know what to say really. I could tolerate Jordan if she didn't speak but her voice is so boring I think I'd end up strangling her. As for poor old human train wreck Pete, where do I start?

Anyway to find your ideal woman click here and for your ideal man click here.

Cheerio

Do 100% Of My Readers Think 80% is Total Fiction?
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Hiya

Good Afternoon,

It would appear nobody believes the 80% rape in porn statistic. Dr Feelgood has written an excellent post on the subject which raises several points that I hadn't and like guest blogger Ewen's earlier comments is pretty much in line with my own suspicions.

I'd still love to hear from anyone who actually believes this figure. What baffles me is that someone could believe that such an outlandish figure would support their argument. Why stop at 80%? Why not 99.2%?

Cheerio

A Lovely Picture By Our Mr Pond.
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Roland- Interpol
Topic: Theft


I have stolen this picture from dear old Mr Pond. But what is it? Where is it? Well I'm saying nothing, I just found it rather beautiful and wanted it on my blog. If I were you I'd go and visit Mr Pond to find out.

Porn Statistics- An Answer!
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: Untitled- Interpol
Topic: Trivia



Evening,

As you may be aware I questioned a statistic relating to the frequency of the depiction of rape in porn, in an earlier post. Well I'm very pleased to announce that official guest blogger Ewen has supplied an answer. I like very much the way he has included a small explanation of the term 'gonzo porn' as if I'm too lady-like to have encountered such a term before. His mother has obviously brought him up very well, so lets all let out a rousing cheer for Ewen's mum. Anyway I shall stop my rambling now and refer you to Ewen's answer below.

As for the porn thing......................You are of course correct. Most "Teen porn" is performed by elfin faced twenty somethings. Only in the deluded minds of lonely blokes are they anything else. Rape scenarios do exist in porn, but they're unusual, reserved mainly for gonzo porn(two men and a camcorder) Even then, they tend to be obviously acted and thankfully pretty unconvincing. The 80% figure is just spurious nonsense. Something plucked out of the air by someone who cannot bring themselves to believe that women participate in porn by their own choice.

The above is pretty much in line with what I suspected when I read the 80% statistic, however in the interests of fairness and balance I'd love to hear from anyone who reckons they know better. Comments can be left by clicking on the comments bit below. I don't wish to be patronising but I seem to be getting a fair few hits these days and no comments. Even a bit of spam would be welcome. I'm not that fussy.

I finished work on Friday for my annual leave and having a bit of spare time on my hands decided to give the office a bit of a clean. I picked up a photo of my irritating work colleague's daughter which he keeps on his desk. It was sticky! Naturally I raced to the sink to wash my hands immediately. The dirty, fucking weirdo has wanked over a picture of his daughter. I knew it! I knew it! Incest in Easterhouse, it's official!

Cheerio

Clairwil Is Vindicated!
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Alice In Vain-Sleeper
Topic: Twat
Evening,

I have just returned from a residential training course which I attended with several work colleagues including my nemesis who I have written about in earlier posts.

Anyway for ages I have suspected that he is a sex offender and severely mentally disturbed and it would appear that I am right. We were all out drinking after the days work and my irritating work colleague's mental behaviour has,at long last, brought people round to my way of thinking.

We first became alarmed when he started pawing a clearly horrified and embarrassed female who had the misfortune to sit beside him at dinner. Later in the bar he started pawing at two men who had made the terrible error of engaging him in conversation. From then on his behaviour became increasingly bizarre. Please bear in mind that he'd only had about four pints by this stage. He caused me a great deal of alarm when he suddenly stood up pointed at me and began muttering about 'drugs and porn' and 'fucking lying bitches' then he put both hands on my shoulders started laughing and said 'I'm only kidding you on'. I had not mentioned drugs and porn at any stage during the day, nor had I or any of the other females present told any lies that I'm aware of. It was at this moment I realised that he was likely to go over the edge at any moment and set about ensuring he was never without a drink in the hope he would progress to a sackable offence.

We then went to have a look at the entertainment and this is where everyone got really frightened. The entertainment was the standard issue covers band that usually get booked for these things. You know the type of thing, a few middle aged men doing competent covers of popular chart hits. Not my cup of tea but bearable as background music.

My irritating work colleague however was enraged by the covers band, in particular their cover of the Tony Christie hit 'Is this the Way to Amarillo'. Instead of muttering about how shite the band were like a normal person, he began thrashing about in his chair, screaming and doing mimes of shooting and strangling himself. His rocking and thrashing became so violent that the chair fell backwards throwing him onto the floor. To my amusement this did not shock him into behaving normally and he continued rolling and thrashing about and screaming like a wounded animal. Eventually he got up and sat shouting 'shite' and 'fuck off' over and over again like a mantra of madness. Oddly enough nobody came over to our table to chat. Anyway he seemed to recover slightly and got up to dance. Well I say dance, what I really mean is he did a 'spastic' walk
round the dance floor pausing occasionally to sexually harass women and then do these really bizarre poses which appeared to include Nazi salutes.

Things got really sinister later on when we were all going back to our rooms. We had walked one of our female colleagues back to her room as she was staying in a different block, when we got to her room he barged in and refused to leave. We eventually convinced him to leave and walked back over to our rooms. My other colleague was on the first floor and I discreetly mentioned to her that I was going to go to her room with her for a few minutes as there was no way on God's earth I was getting into a lift to the top floor with my irritating and frankly doolally colleague. This made him angry, very angry indeed. We started at the closing lift doors in total shock and disbelief as he began thrashing about the lift punching the walls and screaming.

I should point out that we had all had roughly the same amount to drink. I had matched him pint for pint and was a bit merry but certainly not mad drunk. He is clearly a highly disturbed individual which has been obvious to me for quite some time. More alarming still he had no memory of the previous evening at all when we were discussing it this morning. I'm seriously worried about the personal safety of the staff in our workplace. I'm also concerned that he deals with a very vulnerable client base, often visiting them in their homes. If Amarillo came on the radio during a home visit some of these people would never recover from the trauma.


Cheerio

Where Do Statistics About Porn Come From?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Mrs Jones- Hole
Topic: Baffled

Evening,

I have just finished reading an article in today's Guardian about the Playboy stationary on sale in WH Smith.

The article follows on from an earlier article on the same subject and consists of readers views on this most serious of issues. I have to say I'm fairly indifferent to the whole issue, as far as I am aware the stationary just shows the Playboy logo and I can't see a generation of children being traumatised by that. It's been many years since I saw a copy of Playboy, I think I was about eight when I chanced upon a stack of abandoned girlie mags in a lane. I remember thinking Playboy was the best because it didn't have open crotch shots like some of the others which I thought were most unladylike. Mind you I also remember informing some of the other giggling children present that the ladies had their legs open because they were going to have babies, so my eight year olds perspective might not be particularly helpful here. Anyway given that we children were amused by the actual magazine and rather indifferent I can't see that a bunny head in silhouette is likely to bring about the decline of western civilisation.


However The Guardian readers are less than amused. One writes that '....reports indicate that perhaps 80% or more of porn that is routinely viewed shows women and girls being raped and enjoying it.' Really? I must confess that I am not a regular viewer of porn but I do like the odd glance and can only think of one occasion where I have seen rape depicted. In fact the vast majority of porn I have seen depicts women who are in a permanently cartoon like state of sexual arousal and willing to the point of nymphomania. And girls? I can't say I've ever been particularly convinced by barely legal porn and suspect most of the actresses and models are rather petite looking fresh faced twenty somethings. I have never in my life seen anyone who appears to be underage in any type of pornography suggesting this might be something of a rarity.

I'm not particularly fussed about the depiction of rape in pornography given that it is all fantasy and wishful thinking aimed at the still largely male audience. I'm just a bit sceptical about this 80% figure. Where did it come from? Who watched this 'routinely viewed' porn in order to arrive at the figure? How is 'routinely viewed' defined? Most porn that one sees is of the soft variety, a bit of tit here, some implied lesbianism there, but no sexual assault that I'm aware of.

I make no claim to be an expert on porn and am quite happy to be set straight if I've missed something, however I'd be very grateful if anyone could enlighten me as to where these peculiar statistics come from.


Cheerio

Clairwil Is Violated By An Asshat!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Carmen-Bizet
Topic: Persecution.
Afternoon,

I have received a message from one of my readers whom I'll call Ewen regarding Asshats. I have reproduced said message below which I think makes Ewen a guest blogger. Please make him welcome.

An asshat is a term applied to one who has their head firmly ensconced in their nether regions. Alex Kapranos for example. Also applicable to one who has their head up the arse of a second party.

Must go. My Hotmail is doing evil things. It seems to be loading the MSN shopping page whilst i compose my emails, thus wiping anything i've typed. The Bastards!
Good luck with the Cabbage thing. You know it makes sense.......................


Anyway I have some terrible news. For the last seven years or so my boyfriend and I have been concealing the fact we are an item from our respective families. There is no real reason for this, neither of us are married and we're both over the age of consent. We are just a pair of weirdos who would prefer not to be asked about wedding bells and the patter of tiny feet by aged relatives.

Anyway we were happy, we weren't harming anyone. Anyone thinking rationally about the situation would conclude we should be left alone. However people being in the most part a chilling combination of nosiness, stupidity and sheer evil, it couldn't last. Someone has blabbed! An asshat has grassed us up to my boyfriends entire family! Naturally he has denied everything and will continue to do so as long as I'm running the show. But I'm fucking furious with the grass. So furious I am at a loss as to how to punish them. I don't have any dirt on them so can't expose them to any needless in law horror. What makes it worse is that I have never so much as raised my voice at the person who committed this terrible crime. They have no reason to wish to harm me. They knew I didn't want his family or mine for that matter sticking their beaks in. Why in the name of God have they done this? They have kept quiet for 3 whole years, why spoil things now.

I just feel betrayed and violated by the whole business particularly as until now I considered said grass a friend. Well no more, I shall never so much as look at them from now until I die.

Why are people so intolerant? Why does everyone demand that everyone behave in exactly the same way? Why can't they mind their own fucking business?

Answers please.

Cheerio

Americans Or American Speakers Wanted Urgently!
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Baffled


Evening,

As some of you may be aware I am only Scottish and as such ignorant of the sophisticated ways of the fine citizens of THE BEST MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY IN THE GODDAMN WORLD YOU FREEDOM HATING RAGHEAD SON OF A BITCH. That is why I need your help

What in the name of all that is sacred and holy is an 'asshat'?

I know what an ass is: it is an arse in the playground and a donkey in the classroom. I know what a hat is, I own several, but an asshat. Why would someone put a hat on their arse? I realise it is an insult and it has a pleasing ring to it, but where did it come from? Why not an assshoe, or an assbra? Is it a weedy way of saying asshole in front of children and maiden aunts like the woman in my work who say's fishing instead of fucking?

Anyway if anyone can enlighten me I'd be very grateful.

Cheerio

The Kick Ass Cabbage Campaign
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Hurrah!
Evening,

As you will recall I have recently been somewhat annoyed by the antics of Bank Of Scotland management. It is with great pleasure I can advise you that this blog campaign has attracted nationwide support.

Visit here for your free cabbage picture to send to Stacey.

If you need more convincing read this.