Save Danny Boy!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Heat Wave-Marilyn Monroe
Topic: Give This Man a Job.
Evening,

Once again I am adopting a serious face. I have discovered a blog by a fine young fellow who needs our help. Danny Boy lives in Glasgow and is being slowly destroyed by a frankly rubbish job. This situation cannot be allowed to continue. I like his blog (not in a Sian sneerfest type of way). In my book this makes him worthy of saving. So I want everyone to look out for interesting jobs in Glasgow worthy of our Danny and go to his blog and leave the details for him.

Failing that just go and read it beacuse its very good and I'm sure a few extra hits would put a spring in his step.


Latest Sian news. Mark came home last night and didn't cuddle or kiss her for two hours and her mum wants to get her sectioned.

Sian Update
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Reel Around The Fountain-The Smiths
Topic: A Website!
Hurrah Sian has a home page. Feast your eyes.

This is awful. I'm becoming obsessed but Sian genuinely is the funniest thing I've seen in months.

I Love Sian, Best of all the Idiots.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Strict Machine-Goldfrapp
Topic: The Less Fortunate
The New Blog Song (Sung to the tune of the I Love Horses advert)

I love Sian
best of all
the idiots

I love Sian

Shes my friend

Further to last nights post.I love this blog, I can't leave it alone. I am an addict. She doesn't post regularly but when she does it's beyond belief. How the other half live! Todays post is fantastic. Her dad has punched her and is now refusing to speak to her. Unbelievable!

I Will Never Sneer Again.
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Stupid Girl-Garbage
Topic: The Less Fortunate



For the love of God. In the name of all that is sacred and holy. Look at this blog(author pictured).
The entry for 13/05/04 is particularly choice. Burnt decking, homicidal crabs and the men ordering the women to stay at home whilst they threaten to batter the hapless Simon.

I am incapable of sneering anymore. All my sneering muscles have given up. I went to school with people who all had exactly the same personality as this fool so I shouldn't be surprised. But my God! This blog defies belief.

Is it a send up? Please enlighten me.

A word of warning everyone in this girls life seems to die. There's even been a tragic helicopter crash, so it might be best to avoid contact.

All Hail Queen Camilla
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Sheriff Fatman- Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine
Topic: Aimless Post


Very little to report regarding my own life. I can exclusively reveal that I'm being whisked off to a secret rural location my my parents and auntie on Good Friday for lunch. Beyond that nothing of note has occurred.

I am however delighted to report that Camilla Parker Bowles can in fact become Queen and Prince Charles has been lying to the nation. Or perhaps just shooting his mouth off without checking the facts (how uncharacteristic).

No wonder the current Queen is boycotting the wedding. She must be fizzing mad. Think of all the hard work and effort it took her to get where she is today from starting out as a humble princess and that old tart just fucks her way into the top job.

I note that MI5 are terrifying the nation once more with the news that the Real IRA (not the kiddy on one) are planning to attack. Can I suggest the forthcoming royal wedding as a possible target?
Or perhaps 10 Downing St? At least that way there would be no loss of innocent life.

Please feast your eyes on this charming picture of Tony and George. Is it just me or does Tony look like he's wanking George off under that flag? Oooh come on my nipples cowboy!Yuck.Yuck.Yuck.

Thats all for now. Off you go and read your stars.

What is the Scottish National Anthem?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Charlie is my Darling-Eddi Reader
Topic: Baffled




Good Afternoon,
Whilst swishing about the internet today I stumbled across a news report from November 2004 regarding the Scottish national anthem. Apparently the Scottish parliament are getting to choose it. When is all this being decided? Will their be a phone vote? I demand Robert Burns.

I would also like to declare that if that vile, British, imperialist, sniveling, pro-monarchist, anti-Scottish dirge God Save the Queen gets picked I will track down and slaughter the scummy unionist toadies responsible. Truly that dirge is the worst song ever written. Every time I see teary-eyed halfwits blubbing along to it on TV the red mist descends.

Any nation that stands up for a song with the following lyrics is seriously fucked.

Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.God save the King.

I might be visiting the parliament in Edinburgh shortly with work and if it coincides with the national anthem debate I may have to cause a rumpus in the chamber. So if you happen to see an irate female with a startled MSP in headlock bellowing 'die like dogs unionist scum' and 'hireling traitors' you'll know whats happened.

Cheerio, I'm off to indulge in the simple pleasure of burning a union flag, which given my close proximity to a pub frequented by Celtic fans has got to be good for a few free pints.
The new Scottish anthem in my world.

Lavish Me with Gifts
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: 50ft Queenie-PJ Harvey
Topic: Hi I'm a Beggar
Good Afternoon,
This time next week I'll be thirty and a wise old owl. As such I would like you all to send me gifts which I shall list at the end of this post. Many thanks.

Moving on. I spent this morning reading The Guardian. Hurrah for Boy George! There is an interview with him in The Guide and very funny it is too. Highlights include referring to Rosie O'Donnell as 'that tank of a woman' and 'Elton- all that money and he's still got hair like a dinner lady.' I wouldn't shed a tear if I never heard another Boy George/Culture Club record ever again, but he's good value. Give him his own show.Now. Before it's too late.

Also in todays Guardian is Sharon Osbourne getting a long overdue kicking. What is it with that 'weird
baby voice'? Sinister.

I am cock-a-hoop to hear that a new series of Footballers Wives is due to start and have downloaded a Tanya Turner screen saver to celebrate.

And finally my birthday wishlist...

A Pink ipod mini.
Any of this Vivienne Westwood Jewellery
Flowers
Top Shop Vouchers
Red Wine and Champagne.
Cash
Someone who can tell me where I can download the song 'Don't Marry Uh Huh Her'(not on the album) by PJ Harvey. To the best of my knowledge it was recorded for a Peel Session but not released.

All gifts should be sent here.

From now on call me Jockstrap Jockey
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Caffine Bomb- The Wildhearts
Topic: Thank God
Hello,
I have just discovered that my prison bitch name is Jockstrap Jockey. Discover your prison name here.
A big thank you to the mysterious Mr Lowther who has solved the Showgirls mystery for me. I have learned that the start of even quite awful films can be crucial to following the plot, thus ending my lifelong habit of reading, listening to music and watching TV at the same time.

It's the final Nathan Barley tonight so I'll be watching that. Other than that the weekend promises to be hellish. I've no money, no food (except tea-bags and lentils) and no drink. I've still not located my cheque book and the bank apparently require ten days to issue one, so that rules out a tap from the cheque and pawn. I'm off now to watch Family Affairs and might return for another post later if the boredom gets too much.

I want Drink.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Is That All There Is?-Peggy Lee
Topic: Hiya
Evening,
I'm writing again through sheer boredom. Always a recipe for a bad post. The shocking secrets of Michael Jacksons bedroom either weren't revealed on the news or I'd nodded off. However we have discovered that his dining room contains up to five drunk children at a time.

Later in the evening I became very serious and watched The Government Inspector on Channel Four. A very sad drama indeed, the one moment of total hilarity being Tony Blair strumming on his electric guitar whilst talking to Alistair Campbell on the phone. I can just imagine that wanker Blair doing that. I bet he wears a backwards baseball hat and raps when his teenage son's pals come round just to show how hip he is. Although it may have been better if Blair had pursued a career in music. I have no doubt a Blair music career would be nothing short of a toe curling embarrassment- imagine Cliff Richard masquerading as Keith Richards. No don't it's too awful. But all that aside at least he couldn't' have invaded Iraq- and if he had you'd have to admire any rock star capable of starting a war.

Beverley pissing Knight! She has just appeared on TV to explain that young single women regard politics as an older mans game and only care about single issues. This is a live action post! She has now just revealed that when shes y'know um talking with her uh girlfriends and someone mentions a y'know political like issue they all think of old men. That must be interesting.
Q- What do you think of Britain's entry into the Euro?
A- I'll let you know when I stop thinking about J.R Hartley from the old Yellow Pages advert.

Oh dear. Would it surprise you to learn I am not amused? Who the fuck appointed her as spokesbird? She is claiming to speak for young single women with no children. Perhaps she does? In which case I can now reveal that young single women with no children are empty headed muppets with all the personality of a regional TV newsreader. The voice of young women! What effrontery Ms Knight!

Righty ho I'm off now to look at the fiver I found under the couch.

You should click here.

I want my fucking suitcase!
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Unconditional-The Bravery
Topic: Baffled
I sat up quite late last night, TV on the background reading conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Kurt Cobain. I must say if they turn out to be true, I think Courtney Love should be given prizes and cups. I liked the odd Nirvana song but Cobain always struck me as the epitome of everything wrong with alternative music. Non-descript, dull,mumbling, monstrous greed and ambition masquerading as deliberate punk rock underachievement. I think Courtney deserved his millions far more than he ever did. At least she knows how to live in style and gives interviews worth reading.

Next in the 'Clairwil Trashes Dead Rock Icons' series- John Lennon 'Overrated four-eyed cunt.'

Moving swiftly on. 'Showgirls' was on the increasingly down market Channel Four last night.
In fairness I didn't start paying attention until about twenty minutes in, but I'm truly baffled by the ending. What fucking suitcase? Is it code?

I'm not a big fan of the 'so bad it's good' school of thought or pretending to like bad things to appear clever, but that film's awfulness is fascinating. I can honestly say the tits and arse soft porn movies they used to show on five had better dialogue. I tried, but just could not stop watching. I don't think I've ever seen so many unsympathetic characters in one film- cunts all of them. The only nice character was so nauseatingly nice I cheered when she was subjected to a brutal gang rape.

Thank-you to all who responded to my heartfelt plea for funds last night. I am truly moved.

Ladiesclick here.

Cheerio, I'm off to watch the news and what has been billed as the 'shocking details of Micheal Jacksons bedroom'.