I want Drink.
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Is That All There Is?-Peggy Lee
Topic: Hiya
Evening,
I'm writing again through sheer boredom. Always a recipe for a bad post. The shocking secrets of Michael Jacksons bedroom either weren't revealed on the news or I'd nodded off. However we have discovered that his dining room contains up to five drunk children at a time.

Later in the evening I became very serious and watched The Government Inspector on Channel Four. A very sad drama indeed, the one moment of total hilarity being Tony Blair strumming on his electric guitar whilst talking to Alistair Campbell on the phone. I can just imagine that wanker Blair doing that. I bet he wears a backwards baseball hat and raps when his teenage son's pals come round just to show how hip he is. Although it may have been better if Blair had pursued a career in music. I have no doubt a Blair music career would be nothing short of a toe curling embarrassment- imagine Cliff Richard masquerading as Keith Richards. No don't it's too awful. But all that aside at least he couldn't' have invaded Iraq- and if he had you'd have to admire any rock star capable of starting a war.

Beverley pissing Knight! She has just appeared on TV to explain that young single women regard politics as an older mans game and only care about single issues. This is a live action post! She has now just revealed that when shes y'know um talking with her uh girlfriends and someone mentions a y'know political like issue they all think of old men. That must be interesting.
Q- What do you think of Britain's entry into the Euro?
A- I'll let you know when I stop thinking about J.R Hartley from the old Yellow Pages advert.

Oh dear. Would it surprise you to learn I am not amused? Who the fuck appointed her as spokesbird? She is claiming to speak for young single women with no children. Perhaps she does? In which case I can now reveal that young single women with no children are empty headed muppets with all the personality of a regional TV newsreader. The voice of young women! What effrontery Ms Knight!

Righty ho I'm off now to look at the fiver I found under the couch.

You should click here.

I want my fucking suitcase!
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Unconditional-The Bravery
Topic: Baffled
I sat up quite late last night, TV on the background reading conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Kurt Cobain. I must say if they turn out to be true, I think Courtney Love should be given prizes and cups. I liked the odd Nirvana song but Cobain always struck me as the epitome of everything wrong with alternative music. Non-descript, dull,mumbling, monstrous greed and ambition masquerading as deliberate punk rock underachievement. I think Courtney deserved his millions far more than he ever did. At least she knows how to live in style and gives interviews worth reading.

Next in the 'Clairwil Trashes Dead Rock Icons' series- John Lennon 'Overrated four-eyed cunt.'

Moving swiftly on. 'Showgirls' was on the increasingly down market Channel Four last night.
In fairness I didn't start paying attention until about twenty minutes in, but I'm truly baffled by the ending. What fucking suitcase? Is it code?

I'm not a big fan of the 'so bad it's good' school of thought or pretending to like bad things to appear clever, but that film's awfulness is fascinating. I can honestly say the tits and arse soft porn movies they used to show on five had better dialogue. I tried, but just could not stop watching. I don't think I've ever seen so many unsympathetic characters in one film- cunts all of them. The only nice character was so nauseatingly nice I cheered when she was subjected to a brutal gang rape.

Thank-you to all who responded to my heartfelt plea for funds last night. I am truly moved.

Ladiesclick here.

Cheerio, I'm off to watch the news and what has been billed as the 'shocking details of Micheal Jacksons bedroom'.

Little of note to report.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Nothing, I'm watching The Bill.
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone
Hello,
Little to report today. My sparring partner has pulled a sickie this evening, although he did pop in earlier to give me #20 and a lemon. If I were you I'd go and read My Stunt Doubles until normal service is resumed tomorrow.

To update you on the ongoing my debt hell appeal I have still only received one donation. I don't wish to harp on, but I'm skint, I'm going to be thirty next week and could do with cheering up. Save Me

Right I'm off to read conspiracy theories.

A New Disabled Reader.
Now Playing: Paint it Black- The Rolling Stones
Once again my existence has been confirmed and one brave,special reader has left no less than four separate comments. I strongly suspect they may be um 'differently abled' which makes their use of a computer all the more humbling. Sadly their comments were left anonymously so I was unable to express my admiration of their simple language directly. Although I think I may have offended them by mocking John Prescott. Is it legal to offend mongs? What should I do?

Moving on, I see everyone has gone abortion mad. So I'm going to join in like a big sheep. I love abortion, it's the tops! How often in life do you actually get the chance to off someone purely for being inconvenient? When I'm in charge the time limit on abortion shall be extended to seventy years.

I remember some years ago sitting through a hilarious pro-life presentation at college. My favourite bit was the look on the girls face (close to tears) when she handed me a small plastic foetus and asked me if I could kill something so small and helpless. My second favourite bit was laughing and saying yes.

On a more serious note why do feminists keep banging on about the economic reasons for abortion?
Surely it is a bad thing in feminist terms, if women who would otherwise be happy to have a baby, instead opt for terminations as a result of poverty. Or could it be that the modern feminist movements sole interest in poor or working class women is as cleaners or nannies?

Pregnant? Click Here to arrange an abortion now!

Jeremy Clarkson is a Mentalist.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Lucky Man-The Verve
Topic: Twat
Evening all. I'm still reading Piers Morgan's truly fantastic book. Everyone should buy a copy now. Failing that go out and steal one.
Jeremy Clarkson comes out of it looking like an ever bigger twat than I'd previously thought and unhinged to boot. Let's ponder the evidence.
Our pal Piers is offered some paparazzi pictures of Jeremy Clarkson 'kissing a woman who is not his wife in a car', in public and prints them. Clarksons response is to say the least baffling 'You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.' Does this mean he can't get it up? What? But this isn't the end of it. Oh no.
Two years later Jeremy is still denying extra marital antics and harboring a grudge, but eventually accepts an apology. But this isn't the end of it. Oh no.
A year later good old Piers is offered paparazzi pictures of Jeremy Clarkson 'groping' the same woman in an alley. Incredibly Clarkson still insists the whole thing is totally innocent, but it gets better. Jeremy then finds himself on the same plane as Piers and reacts by trying to start a fight and then throwing a glass of water over Piers' breeks. Then he phones Piers later to say he doesn't want a feud and asks if they can put the whole thing behind them.
Of course all that was before he ran into Piers at the Press Gazette awards and apologised again, then called him a cunt and tried to batter him.

There are a number of things that baffle me about this, but most baffling of all is the fact that there are two women in the world that are willing to sleep with Jeremy Clarkson. Can it be true? Is he paying them? Does he drug them? What?
I am also alarmed at the epic stupidity this behaviour betrays. If you were a celebrity involved in some extra marital gymnastics that you didn't want people to know about, would you not be trying to keep the tabloids sweet, in the hope they would turn a blind eye?
However perhaps most disturbing of all is his complete inability to take responsibility for his own actions. A definite psycho. I've never trusted car bores and have long suspected all that uncomplicated blokey stuff is a cover for something far darker and uglier.
I can't make my mind up whats funnier, the above or Cherie Blair's straight faced insistence that she and Tony are socialists.

Other than that nothing much to report. I'm still skint. You can still help.

Finallyis this a joke?

TV on the 41 Bus!
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Happy Birthday- Altered Images
Topic: Restless natives
Reader I lied. I said I'd give you the exclusive details of the horror of my friday night journey home from work yesterday. And I didn't did I? What can I say? I spent most of yesterday trying to find my cheque book so I could cash a cheque at the cheque and pawn and consequently not starve the rest of the month. I had some ridiculous but noble idea about clearing my debts quicker and went a bit mental with the repayments.

Anyway my journey home on friday was to say the least an ordeal. A small crowd of youths (aged 12-14) up the back of the bus spent the entire journey yelping, shouting and, god the horror, rapping utter drivel at each other -loudly. Their cretinous and obnoxious behaviour was not helped by the large quantities of 'Mad Dog', Buckfast and cannabis they were openly consuming. At 5pm on a non-smoking bus. Illegally. It's not that I didn't do any underage drinking or that I disapproved of drugs as a nipper, but I seem to recall making attempts to conceal what I was up to. And I can quite honestly say I have never attempted to rap either in public or in private.

Then they started stealing each others shoes, lobbing them about the bus and trying to sell said shoes to various appalled passengers for a pound.

I was as ever struck by their racism and sectarianism. Does it never occur to these rat faced irritants that they are in fact inferior to most people of any colour or faith? I am always staggered by their totally unjustified feelings of superiority.

And before everyone starts -yes I know they've had a shit deal and would probably be considerably improved by decent housing, schools and lets face it parenting. But as someone who cannot afford a car and has to take public transport I feel entitled to let off a bit of steam. Please note that I let off steam regarding things I am unhappy about by writing or slamming my own doors rather than making the lives of everyone around me a total misery. I had a shit education courtesy of the state which I'm angry about. But guess what? It doesn't cause me to act like a savage on public transport, no instead I do things like vote, write to my MP, moan down the pub after a few pints, that type of stuff.

First Bus have also installed a TV on the 41 bus which I had hoped might have acted as a calming influence on the rowdier commuters. Alas no. The only discernible effect I noted was that it encouraged the cretins to rap, in between trying to sell a jacket,they claimed was worth #385 pounds for #60 to a nasally voiced, borderline retarded she beast. As an added horror the sound of the TV combined with the yelping, whining,dribbling and farting in unison from the back of the bus to make it impossible to concentrate sufficiently to read. Another few bus journeys like that and I'll be as moronic and ill-informed as they are.

I fight the urge to be a snob, I hate looking down on people. It's just near impossible sometimes. All things considered it might be better if First Bus use the money for TV on the bus to hire some burly security guards instead.

Anyway I do have some quite good news for you. I have adopted four celebrities.You can visit them by clicking here.

Holy Mary Mother of God
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: I'll do Anything-Courtney Love
Topic: Sweet Jesus-It's true.
Oh Fuck. Yes It's true! If you type fuckwit into google the following appears.
John Prescott
Biography of John Prescott. John Prescott was born in Prestatyn, Wales, in 1938.
The son of a railway signalman he was educated at Ellesmere Port Secondary ...
www.number-10.gov.uk/output/Page1376.asp - 11k - 10 Mar 2005 - Cached - Similar pages

This will entertain me for at least the next six hours. Then I'll be that little bit closer to the grave and thus happier. Now that I'm nearly over the trauma I'll try and write something about the new TV service on the 41 bus and the horrific events on my journey home in tomorrows entry.

Hurrah for Piers Morgan and his pop pals!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Red Top Hot Shot Beep Beep Beep-Queen B
Topic: Tory Scum U Like!
Good old Piers Morgan. Yes I know he's just a tory that jumped tracks when it suited him and probably deserves to be booted into a river. But there is no two ways about it his book is fabulous. Hey it's Pierless ho ho. My favourite revelation so far, does not concern celebrities (although the late Princess Diana has gone right up in my estimation). No instead it concerns the Fox News team attending a News International conference dressed head to toe in News International merchandise and chanting 'One, Two,Three,Four-Rupert Murdoch's News Corps'
{BUYBOOKS}
Hell in a handcart springs to mind.

Anyway I have successfully managed to avoid Comic Relief all evening. Instead I watched Nathan Barley
and earlier in the evening the ITV soaps.

Just out of interest, can any Holymoly subscribers enlighten me as to where Leslie Gratham's personals ad appears on Gumtree? I spent all last week looking for it (purely for comedy reasons)but was disappointed although I have located a chap who pays ready money for worn ladies drawers. I await a reply to my e-mail.

Celebrity Overexposure Hell/Boycott Comic Relief!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Superstition-The Kills
Topic: Comic Relief
Would it surprise you to learn that I fucking hate Comic Relief? A whole night of telly ruined and disrupted by a gurning shower of evil, overpaid, moronic, rich scum. It deserves some credit for managing to be more disgusting and pointless than Children in Need which at least has Terry Wogan as it's sole plus point. Dawn Fucking French will no doubt be bouncing around our screens 'I'm fat me!' 'Look Look I'm morbidly obese!' 'I eat chocolate!''I'm fat but I like shagging!' 'oooooh I'm so naughty'-Oh the hilarity! That woman should not be in comedy she should be in a girdle or a large wooden box buried deep in the earths core. Just get her off my telly before I start killing people.

My final word on that witless whale- Is it just me or is it a bit tasteless to have that lard bucket glorying in her unrestrained self indulgence on a programme which raises money for the starving? Or is that the joke? Have I finally 'got' Comic Relief?

It's not that I disapprove of charity, I just resent being told to put my hand in my pocket by a shower of rich, tax evading scum. I wouldn't even mind so much if it was funny but it's ropey, cheap 'will this do' TV.

And now, gasp as I demonstrate my uncanny psychic powers. Robbie Williams performance in the Comic Relief Little Britain special was so desperate, 'everyone look at me' and over the top it ruined a potentially mildly amusing sketch. How do I know this without having seen it? Instinct, pure instinct. Still let's all take a moment to imagine how Gary Barlow feels every time Robbie's idiotic mug appears on telly. I know- it never fails to make me laugh either.

I read in todays Herald that if you type fuckwit into google John Prescott's name comes up. I haven't tried it yet partly because it seems too good to be true and I can't face the disappointment at this time.

So people- tomorrow night boycott Comic Relief donate directly to the charity of your choice and then we can all get some real comic relief as the wacky, 'good sports' presenting this travesty are forced to admit they've only raised a fiver.

Hurray for The Blackshirts!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: In the Flesh-Blondie
Topic: The Daily Mail
Those of you reading yesterday will note that I implied that the Daily Mail might be a teensy weensy bit right wing. Imagine my alarm tinged hilarity on the bus this morning when I came across a review of a book entitled Hurray For The Blackshirts! by a Mr Martin Pugh (Jonathan Cape #20)[BUYBOOKS]. Would it surprise you to learn that the title was purloined from an old Daily Mail editorial?
You mark my words those sinister Nazi swines won't be happy till everyone is either white male and middle class or dead. You have been warned!

On to happier topics ladies and gentlemen I bring you the funniest man in the world.. For the love of God read this blog I laughed out loud. Twice! In two minutes!