Jeremy Clarkson is a Mentalist.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Lucky Man-The Verve
Topic: Twat
Evening all. I'm still reading Piers Morgan's truly fantastic book. Everyone should buy a copy now. Failing that go out and steal one.
Jeremy Clarkson comes out of it looking like an ever bigger twat than I'd previously thought and unhinged to boot. Let's ponder the evidence.
Our pal Piers is offered some paparazzi pictures of Jeremy Clarkson 'kissing a woman who is not his wife in a car', in public and prints them. Clarksons response is to say the least baffling 'You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.' Does this mean he can't get it up? What? But this isn't the end of it. Oh no.
Two years later Jeremy is still denying extra marital antics and harboring a grudge, but eventually accepts an apology. But this isn't the end of it. Oh no.
A year later good old Piers is offered paparazzi pictures of Jeremy Clarkson 'groping' the same woman in an alley. Incredibly Clarkson still insists the whole thing is totally innocent, but it gets better. Jeremy then finds himself on the same plane as Piers and reacts by trying to start a fight and then throwing a glass of water over Piers' breeks. Then he phones Piers later to say he doesn't want a feud and asks if they can put the whole thing behind them.
Of course all that was before he ran into Piers at the Press Gazette awards and apologised again, then called him a cunt and tried to batter him.

There are a number of things that baffle me about this, but most baffling of all is the fact that there are two women in the world that are willing to sleep with Jeremy Clarkson. Can it be true? Is he paying them? Does he drug them? What?
I am also alarmed at the epic stupidity this behaviour betrays. If you were a celebrity involved in some extra marital gymnastics that you didn't want people to know about, would you not be trying to keep the tabloids sweet, in the hope they would turn a blind eye?
However perhaps most disturbing of all is his complete inability to take responsibility for his own actions. A definite psycho. I've never trusted car bores and have long suspected all that uncomplicated blokey stuff is a cover for something far darker and uglier.
I can't make my mind up whats funnier, the above or Cherie Blair's straight faced insistence that she and Tony are socialists.

Other than that nothing much to report. I'm still skint. You can still help.

Finallyis this a joke?

TV on the 41 Bus!
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Happy Birthday- Altered Images
Topic: Restless natives
Reader I lied. I said I'd give you the exclusive details of the horror of my friday night journey home from work yesterday. And I didn't did I? What can I say? I spent most of yesterday trying to find my cheque book so I could cash a cheque at the cheque and pawn and consequently not starve the rest of the month. I had some ridiculous but noble idea about clearing my debts quicker and went a bit mental with the repayments.

Anyway my journey home on friday was to say the least an ordeal. A small crowd of youths (aged 12-14) up the back of the bus spent the entire journey yelping, shouting and, god the horror, rapping utter drivel at each other -loudly. Their cretinous and obnoxious behaviour was not helped by the large quantities of 'Mad Dog', Buckfast and cannabis they were openly consuming. At 5pm on a non-smoking bus. Illegally. It's not that I didn't do any underage drinking or that I disapproved of drugs as a nipper, but I seem to recall making attempts to conceal what I was up to. And I can quite honestly say I have never attempted to rap either in public or in private.

Then they started stealing each others shoes, lobbing them about the bus and trying to sell said shoes to various appalled passengers for a pound.

I was as ever struck by their racism and sectarianism. Does it never occur to these rat faced irritants that they are in fact inferior to most people of any colour or faith? I am always staggered by their totally unjustified feelings of superiority.

And before everyone starts -yes I know they've had a shit deal and would probably be considerably improved by decent housing, schools and lets face it parenting. But as someone who cannot afford a car and has to take public transport I feel entitled to let off a bit of steam. Please note that I let off steam regarding things I am unhappy about by writing or slamming my own doors rather than making the lives of everyone around me a total misery. I had a shit education courtesy of the state which I'm angry about. But guess what? It doesn't cause me to act like a savage on public transport, no instead I do things like vote, write to my MP, moan down the pub after a few pints, that type of stuff.

First Bus have also installed a TV on the 41 bus which I had hoped might have acted as a calming influence on the rowdier commuters. Alas no. The only discernible effect I noted was that it encouraged the cretins to rap, in between trying to sell a jacket,they claimed was worth #385 pounds for #60 to a nasally voiced, borderline retarded she beast. As an added horror the sound of the TV combined with the yelping, whining,dribbling and farting in unison from the back of the bus to make it impossible to concentrate sufficiently to read. Another few bus journeys like that and I'll be as moronic and ill-informed as they are.

I fight the urge to be a snob, I hate looking down on people. It's just near impossible sometimes. All things considered it might be better if First Bus use the money for TV on the bus to hire some burly security guards instead.

Anyway I do have some quite good news for you. I have adopted four celebrities.You can visit them by clicking here.

Holy Mary Mother of God
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: I'll do Anything-Courtney Love
Topic: Sweet Jesus-It's true.
Oh Fuck. Yes It's true! If you type fuckwit into google the following appears.
John Prescott
Biography of John Prescott. John Prescott was born in Prestatyn, Wales, in 1938.
The son of a railway signalman he was educated at Ellesmere Port Secondary ...
www.number-10.gov.uk/output/Page1376.asp - 11k - 10 Mar 2005 - Cached - Similar pages

This will entertain me for at least the next six hours. Then I'll be that little bit closer to the grave and thus happier. Now that I'm nearly over the trauma I'll try and write something about the new TV service on the 41 bus and the horrific events on my journey home in tomorrows entry.

Hurrah for Piers Morgan and his pop pals!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Red Top Hot Shot Beep Beep Beep-Queen B
Topic: Tory Scum U Like!
Good old Piers Morgan. Yes I know he's just a tory that jumped tracks when it suited him and probably deserves to be booted into a river. But there is no two ways about it his book is fabulous. Hey it's Pierless ho ho. My favourite revelation so far, does not concern celebrities (although the late Princess Diana has gone right up in my estimation). No instead it concerns the Fox News team attending a News International conference dressed head to toe in News International merchandise and chanting 'One, Two,Three,Four-Rupert Murdoch's News Corps'
{BUYBOOKS}
Hell in a handcart springs to mind.

Anyway I have successfully managed to avoid Comic Relief all evening. Instead I watched Nathan Barley
and earlier in the evening the ITV soaps.

Just out of interest, can any Holymoly subscribers enlighten me as to where Leslie Gratham's personals ad appears on Gumtree? I spent all last week looking for it (purely for comedy reasons)but was disappointed although I have located a chap who pays ready money for worn ladies drawers. I await a reply to my e-mail.

Celebrity Overexposure Hell/Boycott Comic Relief!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Superstition-The Kills
Topic: Comic Relief
Would it surprise you to learn that I fucking hate Comic Relief? A whole night of telly ruined and disrupted by a gurning shower of evil, overpaid, moronic, rich scum. It deserves some credit for managing to be more disgusting and pointless than Children in Need which at least has Terry Wogan as it's sole plus point. Dawn Fucking French will no doubt be bouncing around our screens 'I'm fat me!' 'Look Look I'm morbidly obese!' 'I eat chocolate!''I'm fat but I like shagging!' 'oooooh I'm so naughty'-Oh the hilarity! That woman should not be in comedy she should be in a girdle or a large wooden box buried deep in the earths core. Just get her off my telly before I start killing people.

My final word on that witless whale- Is it just me or is it a bit tasteless to have that lard bucket glorying in her unrestrained self indulgence on a programme which raises money for the starving? Or is that the joke? Have I finally 'got' Comic Relief?

It's not that I disapprove of charity, I just resent being told to put my hand in my pocket by a shower of rich, tax evading scum. I wouldn't even mind so much if it was funny but it's ropey, cheap 'will this do' TV.

And now, gasp as I demonstrate my uncanny psychic powers. Robbie Williams performance in the Comic Relief Little Britain special was so desperate, 'everyone look at me' and over the top it ruined a potentially mildly amusing sketch. How do I know this without having seen it? Instinct, pure instinct. Still let's all take a moment to imagine how Gary Barlow feels every time Robbie's idiotic mug appears on telly. I know- it never fails to make me laugh either.

I read in todays Herald that if you type fuckwit into google John Prescott's name comes up. I haven't tried it yet partly because it seems too good to be true and I can't face the disappointment at this time.

So people- tomorrow night boycott Comic Relief donate directly to the charity of your choice and then we can all get some real comic relief as the wacky, 'good sports' presenting this travesty are forced to admit they've only raised a fiver.

Hurray for The Blackshirts!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: In the Flesh-Blondie
Topic: The Daily Mail
Those of you reading yesterday will note that I implied that the Daily Mail might be a teensy weensy bit right wing. Imagine my alarm tinged hilarity on the bus this morning when I came across a review of a book entitled Hurray For The Blackshirts! by a Mr Martin Pugh (Jonathan Cape #20)[BUYBOOKS]. Would it surprise you to learn that the title was purloined from an old Daily Mail editorial?
You mark my words those sinister Nazi swines won't be happy till everyone is either white male and middle class or dead. You have been warned!

On to happier topics ladies and gentlemen I bring you the funniest man in the world.. For the love of God read this blog I laughed out loud. Twice! In two minutes!

A nice young lady, the IRA and the Daily Mail go into a bar.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Covered in Punk- Portobella
Topic: Here is the News
Important news! I have had my existence officially confirmed by a very nice young lady from Edinburgh who left a comment regarding my 'Watch with Mother'
entry. It's nice to see I'm not alone in my alarm at the increasingly yuck nature of daytime TV. I really don't know why the rest of you are so shy, especially you Mr Alisdair!
Anyway the nice young lady from Edinburgh has a blog of her very own which I can recommend Shopping for Girls

On to more serious affairs. Have the provisional IRA gone mad? Honestly what a leap of logic! Sorry about your brother, do you want us to shoot some people? I must admit if it had been a member of my family I'd be sorely tempted to give them the nod.

In fact there are stacks of people I'd like to see shot. I feel a campaign coming on.

We could have a vote to nominate celebrities for the IRA to shoot (all proceeds to charity). It's a win-win situation. We the public get to see the last of Jimmy Carr (for example) and they create a massive distraction from their current troubles and work off a bit of pent up aggression.

I'm going to end up under house arrest if the Home Secretary reads this aren't I?

So in view of the above, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and all that. If any members of the provisional IRA are reading could they please shoot Tony Blair?

And now crime and punishment! Kilmarnock prison- open drug use, chocolate, papers , fags delivered to your cell by warders who don't rattle their keys in case they wake you up.

Can you imagine what the Daily Mail will make of it? ASYLUM SEEKING TEENAGE MUMS SET FIRE TO MIDDLE CLASS CHILD TO ACCESS LIFE OF LUXURY BEHIND BARS SHOCK!!!!!!! or perhaps THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!!!! I don't know why they bother with headlines. They should just print a picture of a different minority scapegoat every day with THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED UNDER THE NAZIS!stamped across it.
It's what they really want to say isn't it?

A Good Gloat.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Happy Talk- Captain Sensible
Topic: David Blunkett
No-one loves a good gloat more than me. David Blunkett Ha Ha Ha Ha HAAAAA! I am of course referring to the results of the DNA test which prove he is not the father of society bike Kimberley Quinn's baby. I think I'll go out and round up a gaggle of asylum seekers to arrange an international gloat in at Blunketts misfortune.

Suddenly my own problems feel so small.

No further donations since the generosity of my first mysterious benefactor all those posts before.Help Me!
It really is a very useful site. I can strongly recommend the 'Some Alarming Men' link if you want a laugh.
If that bloody link isn't working yet again please paste the following into your browser https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell/

So alone, just want out.
Mood:  down
Now Playing: I Know it's Over- The Smiths
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone
I really have had enough.

Sorry I don't mean to give the impression I'm out on my roof with a gun. I'm just miserable. I'm sick of being surrounded by stupid, aggressive fuckpigs, sick of unnecessary cruelty. In other words I'm in a huff. I hope to be able to resume normal service shortly.

Watch with Mother.
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Willie Stewart/Molly Rankin-Eddi Reader
Topic: Baffled
Good Afternoon,
Please wolf whistle at the new look. Are we sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.

I'm off work this week and have seen daytime TV for the first time in a while. There I was doing a bit of housework, TV on in the background when the voice over starts rattling on about gay porn. I don't mind admitting my hair stood on end. Is it legal to even admit to the existence of gay porn on BBC1 at 9:30 am yes AM! not post watershed?
But it gets better or worse depending on your viewpoint. We were then introduced to internet porn star Juicy Jo.Thats when I suspected I was the victim of an elaborate hoax. Juicy Jo travels the British Isles and gets gang banged by up to twenty chaps at a time for a living. So BBC 1 at 9:30 am gay porn, gang bangs and prostitution.

I don't wish to sound like the late Mary Whitehouse but I can't help but feel that was a really inappropriate piece of scheduling. What next a celebrity fisting league on GMTV? Live bestiality on CBeebies? Watersports on Saturday Kitchen?

Then it was on to This Morning with Fern and Phil for Lion Therapy. From what I could gather Lion Therapy involves a woman with the voice of Jade Goody persuading you to crawl about roaring like a lion in order to relieve stress.

And now Royal News! Yes Prince William and Mad Harry have got a new private secretary called Mr Lowther-Pinkerton. That in itself is funny enough but it gets better. Mr Lowther-Pinkerton is ex-SAS.
A retired hired killer mentoring a spoilt cokehead- I forsee disaster.