Lets go Honies
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: An Honest Mistake- The Bravery
Topic: Tony Bullshit
Phew! Tony Blair has announced that Britain is overrun with terrorists intent on killing us all. Taking into account Tony's past um lies this can only mean that we're safe as houses.

I have had rumours brought to my attention that our increasingly mental P.M is hen-pecked by his allegedly 'difficult and neurotic' wife and has a really miserable home life. It certainly explains his hobby of starting wars in an attempt to appear macho.

Tony Fact no.1- His nickname at Fettes was Emily.

Tony Fact no.2- When he was a member of Ugly Rumours he modeled himself after his idol Mick Jagger and managed to fool scores of stupid, upper-class gels into thinking he was a bit sexy and rock and roll. This meant that when the young Tony oozed up to a group of these gullible spunk buckets uttering his catchphrase 'Let's go Honies' they swooned and giggled rather than decking him and stamping on his slimy tory boy head.

So there we are Tony Blair life long big girls blouse and phoney.

Celebrity inter-generational sex- It's the new cocaine!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Fried My little Brains-The Kills
Topic: Celebrity Kiddie Fiddlers
I really have tried not to say anything about Michael Jackson's present troubles. There are a number of reasons for this 1. It's being reported everywhere. 2. I am actually pretty disgusted at a child abuse trial being reported as celebrity entertainment fodder. Am I fuck! Yes like the rest of the public I am loving it.

On a positive note it might take a bit of heat off our poor wronged leader (Garry Glitter). That was a sham trial- he's innocent! I have a suspicion that it all dates back to little reported glam feud with a jealous Alvin Stardust. Following an altercation which had to be broken up by Slade's Noddy Holder an enraged Stardust was heard to vow I'll get you Glitter, there only room for one leader and it's gonna be me!

Then over twenty years later kiddie porn turns up on the leader's computer. Coincidence? Conspiracy more like. There is no evidence whatsoever to support the above assertions but they are facts.

Now while I'm on a famous kiddie fiddler roll- Jonathan King (backs to the wall kids!). I'll be frank here I think the man is an irritating prick with a taste for teenage flesh (quite unlike all those healthy, red-blooded fans of Britney Spears schoolgirl antics) but not a danger to the kiddies. The whole situation appears to be that King persuaded a gaggle of trainee rent boys to turn a few tricks in exchange for some free singles. Thats not kiddie fiddling, that's an ugly old toss making hay whilst the sun shines.

But I digress, the Jackson trial. I am obsessed, I can't get enough. And why am I so obsessed? I can't get the question of whether or not his cock is still black out of my head. It's bothered me for years. Does he have a cock? A man that surgery obsessed could have anything down there- a hat, his old face (grinning), a scale model of Disney world,a train set- who knows? He's certainly guarding something unusual with all that crotch grabbing. Still it's bound to come out at the trial.

FYI Top actor Rupert Everett once wrote a very funny book called 'The Hairdressers of St Tropez' in which a minor character had surgery to replace his very small white cock with a large black one- and it fell off!



Finally I have some questions.

What age was Pamela Des Barres when she started out as a groupie? Have the police had a quiet word with any of her conquests? I merely require information.

Oh God I despair for humanity
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Why Don't You Do Right?- Sinead O'Connor
Topic: The horror the horror!
I made the dreadful error of watching the Panorama Old Firm special this evening. All that potential, anger and energy wasted on fighting over two multi-million corporate businesses that couldn't give a flying fuck for all their passionate idiots. I could sob an ocean. This in tandem with the peculiar habit poor Glasgow teenagers have of fighting territory battles over the most piss stinking, badly designed, shitehole schemes the world has ever seen gets too much. Am I mad? Are they mad? What is the fucking point?

It's not hard to give a poor man a (lost)cause.

On a happier note my salary has turned up. Hmmmm! One minute nothing can be done till Monday, the next my account is in credit. They know I'm on to them.

A victim of Crime!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Violet-Hole
Topic: Theft
It pains me to advise you that I may have uncovered a fraud ring involving the post office and popular internet bank Smile. I paid my salary cheque into my Smile account via the post office on Monday-a perfectly simple transaction you may think. But alas no. There is no trace of it anywhere and no-one is claiming responsibility. So I have a grand total of 6p in the bank and #1.30 in loose change to live on until Smile go wild and employ a competent member of staff. So my plans for the weekend involve sobbing quietly in a darkened room and not eating (tonight's dinner was an exciting cup of black tea).

On a more alarming note I bumped into a very dazed Mr Alisdair today. I think he may have been drugged or may just have been in a state of shock at being on a Glasgow bus traveling from the east end.

So my pleas for today are as follows.
1. That the cunts at Smile hand over my salary.
2. Can people please stop drugging my friends and placing them on rough bus routes. It really is most alarming.
3. As ever anyone with a kind heart and a few quid can halt my decline into poverty and donate via https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell
(I keep trying to insert a link but it wont work, all part of this weeks conspiracy against me, damn those big lizards)

Old Tin of Soup
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: I'm So Lonesome I could Cry-Johnny Cash
Topic: Skint
I've still got this awful cold and am sporting a very attractive red nose. No donations so far today so mysterious benefactor no.1 remains Queen of the week. I'm skint and have been reduced to opening a very dubious and old looking tin of soup for my tea, I didn't have the heart to check the ingredients for sudan 1. Roll on payday!

On a much happier note I am off work most of next week for some much needed rest.

Nothing much else to report so I'm off to see who or what explodes next on the Bill and read my weekly popbitch.

My First Mysterious Benefactor
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Common People-Pulp
Topic: Hurrah!
After last nights doom and gloom, I am restored to my former bouncy happy self (no sniggering at the back). Today I received my first donation. I am cock a hoop. But it gets better I e-mailed my mysterious benefactor to thank them and they e-mailed back saying sorry they couldn't give more!
Give more! Give more! I am grinning like an idiot and singing and I'm not even drunk and all because of a small act of kindness by a total stranger. In an emotional, spiritual way I have been made very rich indeed. And to think I used to be a cynic. Well I'm off now to grin some more. Three cheers for mysterious benefactor no1.

Help I'm Dying
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: nothing Im too cold for music.
Topic: brrrr!
Good evening. I'm feeling very sorry for myself this evening. Lucky me I have a cold. This is in addition to my old firm hell. I try to stay impartial about these things, but this habit Rangers fans have of singing 'Rule Britannia' arouses every evil instinct within me. You can therefore imagine my delight at being awoken by some cretinous blue nose belting out 'Rule Britannia' at 4:30am outside my close. That man will never know just how close he came to being bottled from a great height.
Moving on, the exciting My Debt Hell appeal continues. To date I have recieved a breathtaking total of no donations.

Help the Financially Incompetent
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: My Love Life- Morrissey
Topic: Hi I'm a Beggar
Today I am adopting a serious face to tell you about my new website. https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell/
This wonderful new site gives you the reader the once in a lifetime opportunity to get me out of debt. There's even a paypal button where you can donate. Yes reader I am skint. The benefits of donating to me are clear. If I clear my debt I will have more disposable income meaning I can go out into the world and have adventures. I will then of course write about my adventures giving you the reader a more interesting blog to read. And if you donate I can write nice things about my mysterious benefactor in my blog instead of being snide about celebrities all the time.

Food is Evil
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Frustration-Soft Cell
Topic: They're Trying to Kill Us
Yes thats it. The evil 'they' who control everything are finally trying to kill us all. O god rescue us from deceitful and wicked men. Yes readers we are in the midst of a brand new BSE style food scare. Everything is poisoned with cancer causing Sudan1. Run to the hills! Go Anorexic!
One of the brighter aspects of this unfortunate business is that I can now taunt non-smokers with their imminent cancer. Ha Ha all that non-smoking and self denial and your still going to die! Painfully!

My My isn't Courtney love looking fat these days. I saw a picture of her on the front of one of those celebrity idiot rags, bingo wings flapping in the breeze. At first I thought it was a sneak preview of some sort of fly on the wall peasant sneerumentary set on one of the more alarming council schemes. And to think Courtney Love once had a trust fund.

Righty ho I'm off to guzzle some sudan1 laced chips then get drunk and fight someone.

Hi I'm Shallow.
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Fabulous Friend- The Fieldmice
Topic: Trivia
An Outrage! An Outrage! Yes reader my blood is boiling. I am mad with rage. I am of course referring to the redesigned smarties tube or 'hexatube'. Yes at the tender age of twenty-nine I am saying with a straight face 'why can't they leave things alone'. I should have smelt a rat when they brought out all manner of wrong and unnatural smarties (fruity,giant,spooky etc)

I am too distressed to comment on what they've done to poor Bugs Bunny.

On to more serious matters(ahem). The impending nuptials of Rod Hull's mother and the future king of the pathetic tatters of the British Empire (where the sun never set because God didn't trust the British in the dark). Not for the first time I find myself hooting at killjoy feminist boiler Julie Bindel,her latest mad claim is that contrary to all visual evidence Camilla Parker Bowles is 'sexy'. I am then struck by the bizarre reaction to the impending wedding taking place in a registry office. Why is everyone carrying on like they've been forced to marry in a public convenience? Other than that my thoughts are as follows 1. How much will this pointless farce cost the taxpayer? and 2. Lets all hope the whole event is disrupted by hate fueled Diana crazies pelting the gruesome couple with stale bread rolls.

Finally Lisa I'Anson.Never has one human being been so conceited about so little.

Anyway I'm off to watch Eastenders and get excited about Nathan Barley later on channel 4. So until next time remember It's all good babe.