Oh God I despair for humanity
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Why Don't You Do Right?- Sinead O'Connor
Topic: The horror the horror!
I made the dreadful error of watching the Panorama Old Firm special this evening. All that potential, anger and energy wasted on fighting over two multi-million corporate businesses that couldn't give a flying fuck for all their passionate idiots. I could sob an ocean. This in tandem with the peculiar habit poor Glasgow teenagers have of fighting territory battles over the most piss stinking, badly designed, shitehole schemes the world has ever seen gets too much. Am I mad? Are they mad? What is the fucking point?

It's not hard to give a poor man a (lost)cause.

On a happier note my salary has turned up. Hmmmm! One minute nothing can be done till Monday, the next my account is in credit. They know I'm on to them.

A victim of Crime!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Violet-Hole
Topic: Theft
It pains me to advise you that I may have uncovered a fraud ring involving the post office and popular internet bank Smile. I paid my salary cheque into my Smile account via the post office on Monday-a perfectly simple transaction you may think. But alas no. There is no trace of it anywhere and no-one is claiming responsibility. So I have a grand total of 6p in the bank and #1.30 in loose change to live on until Smile go wild and employ a competent member of staff. So my plans for the weekend involve sobbing quietly in a darkened room and not eating (tonight's dinner was an exciting cup of black tea).

On a more alarming note I bumped into a very dazed Mr Alisdair today. I think he may have been drugged or may just have been in a state of shock at being on a Glasgow bus traveling from the east end.

So my pleas for today are as follows.
1. That the cunts at Smile hand over my salary.
2. Can people please stop drugging my friends and placing them on rough bus routes. It really is most alarming.
3. As ever anyone with a kind heart and a few quid can halt my decline into poverty and donate via https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell
(I keep trying to insert a link but it wont work, all part of this weeks conspiracy against me, damn those big lizards)

Old Tin of Soup
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: I'm So Lonesome I could Cry-Johnny Cash
Topic: Skint
I've still got this awful cold and am sporting a very attractive red nose. No donations so far today so mysterious benefactor no.1 remains Queen of the week. I'm skint and have been reduced to opening a very dubious and old looking tin of soup for my tea, I didn't have the heart to check the ingredients for sudan 1. Roll on payday!

On a much happier note I am off work most of next week for some much needed rest.

Nothing much else to report so I'm off to see who or what explodes next on the Bill and read my weekly popbitch.

My First Mysterious Benefactor
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Common People-Pulp
Topic: Hurrah!
After last nights doom and gloom, I am restored to my former bouncy happy self (no sniggering at the back). Today I received my first donation. I am cock a hoop. But it gets better I e-mailed my mysterious benefactor to thank them and they e-mailed back saying sorry they couldn't give more!
Give more! Give more! I am grinning like an idiot and singing and I'm not even drunk and all because of a small act of kindness by a total stranger. In an emotional, spiritual way I have been made very rich indeed. And to think I used to be a cynic. Well I'm off now to grin some more. Three cheers for mysterious benefactor no1.

Help I'm Dying
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: nothing Im too cold for music.
Topic: brrrr!
Good evening. I'm feeling very sorry for myself this evening. Lucky me I have a cold. This is in addition to my old firm hell. I try to stay impartial about these things, but this habit Rangers fans have of singing 'Rule Britannia' arouses every evil instinct within me. You can therefore imagine my delight at being awoken by some cretinous blue nose belting out 'Rule Britannia' at 4:30am outside my close. That man will never know just how close he came to being bottled from a great height.
Moving on, the exciting My Debt Hell appeal continues. To date I have recieved a breathtaking total of no donations.

Help the Financially Incompetent
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: My Love Life- Morrissey
Topic: Hi I'm a Beggar
Today I am adopting a serious face to tell you about my new website. https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell/
This wonderful new site gives you the reader the once in a lifetime opportunity to get me out of debt. There's even a paypal button where you can donate. Yes reader I am skint. The benefits of donating to me are clear. If I clear my debt I will have more disposable income meaning I can go out into the world and have adventures. I will then of course write about my adventures giving you the reader a more interesting blog to read. And if you donate I can write nice things about my mysterious benefactor in my blog instead of being snide about celebrities all the time.

Food is Evil
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Frustration-Soft Cell
Topic: They're Trying to Kill Us
Yes thats it. The evil 'they' who control everything are finally trying to kill us all. O god rescue us from deceitful and wicked men. Yes readers we are in the midst of a brand new BSE style food scare. Everything is poisoned with cancer causing Sudan1. Run to the hills! Go Anorexic!
One of the brighter aspects of this unfortunate business is that I can now taunt non-smokers with their imminent cancer. Ha Ha all that non-smoking and self denial and your still going to die! Painfully!

My My isn't Courtney love looking fat these days. I saw a picture of her on the front of one of those celebrity idiot rags, bingo wings flapping in the breeze. At first I thought it was a sneak preview of some sort of fly on the wall peasant sneerumentary set on one of the more alarming council schemes. And to think Courtney Love once had a trust fund.

Righty ho I'm off to guzzle some sudan1 laced chips then get drunk and fight someone.

Hi I'm Shallow.
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Fabulous Friend- The Fieldmice
Topic: Trivia
An Outrage! An Outrage! Yes reader my blood is boiling. I am mad with rage. I am of course referring to the redesigned smarties tube or 'hexatube'. Yes at the tender age of twenty-nine I am saying with a straight face 'why can't they leave things alone'. I should have smelt a rat when they brought out all manner of wrong and unnatural smarties (fruity,giant,spooky etc)

I am too distressed to comment on what they've done to poor Bugs Bunny.

On to more serious matters(ahem). The impending nuptials of Rod Hull's mother and the future king of the pathetic tatters of the British Empire (where the sun never set because God didn't trust the British in the dark). Not for the first time I find myself hooting at killjoy feminist boiler Julie Bindel,her latest mad claim is that contrary to all visual evidence Camilla Parker Bowles is 'sexy'. I am then struck by the bizarre reaction to the impending wedding taking place in a registry office. Why is everyone carrying on like they've been forced to marry in a public convenience? Other than that my thoughts are as follows 1. How much will this pointless farce cost the taxpayer? and 2. Lets all hope the whole event is disrupted by hate fueled Diana crazies pelting the gruesome couple with stale bread rolls.

Finally Lisa I'Anson.Never has one human being been so conceited about so little.

Anyway I'm off to watch Eastenders and get excited about Nathan Barley later on channel 4. So until next time remember It's all good babe.

Im Back
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Hatful of Hollow- The Smiths
Topic: Hiya
Yes finally after a whole raft of pc problems I am back. I cannot imagine how you've coped without me.
I have news and updates which I shall discuss in more detail in my next entry. In the meantime Hello to my devoted reader Mr Alisdair.

O' Dear Lord I Am so Very Lonely.
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: What You Waiting For-Gwen Stefani
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone
Bored,bored,bored. Frisky beyond belief. The batteries are flat on my sex toys, and talented as my own fingers are, they don't exhibit much in the way of unpredictable behaviour. Ah these torturous longings.

Still onto more serious matters, the tsunami- we spend six billion on reducing Iraq to a pile of rubble and fifty-million on aid to victims of the tsunami. Am I alone in being puzzled? It's almost as if middle class feminists and their maniacal set of priorities have taken over.