Help I'm Dying
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: nothing Im too cold for music.
Topic: brrrr!
Good evening. I'm feeling very sorry for myself this evening. Lucky me I have a cold. This is in addition to my old firm hell. I try to stay impartial about these things, but this habit Rangers fans have of singing 'Rule Britannia' arouses every evil instinct within me. You can therefore imagine my delight at being awoken by some cretinous blue nose belting out 'Rule Britannia' at 4:30am outside my close. That man will never know just how close he came to being bottled from a great height.
Moving on, the exciting My Debt Hell appeal continues. To date I have recieved a breathtaking total of no donations.

Help the Financially Incompetent
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: My Love Life- Morrissey
Topic: Hi I'm a Beggar
Today I am adopting a serious face to tell you about my new website. https://clairwil.tripod.com/mydebthell/
This wonderful new site gives you the reader the once in a lifetime opportunity to get me out of debt. There's even a paypal button where you can donate. Yes reader I am skint. The benefits of donating to me are clear. If I clear my debt I will have more disposable income meaning I can go out into the world and have adventures. I will then of course write about my adventures giving you the reader a more interesting blog to read. And if you donate I can write nice things about my mysterious benefactor in my blog instead of being snide about celebrities all the time.

Food is Evil
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Frustration-Soft Cell
Topic: They're Trying to Kill Us
Yes thats it. The evil 'they' who control everything are finally trying to kill us all. O god rescue us from deceitful and wicked men. Yes readers we are in the midst of a brand new BSE style food scare. Everything is poisoned with cancer causing Sudan1. Run to the hills! Go Anorexic!
One of the brighter aspects of this unfortunate business is that I can now taunt non-smokers with their imminent cancer. Ha Ha all that non-smoking and self denial and your still going to die! Painfully!

My My isn't Courtney love looking fat these days. I saw a picture of her on the front of one of those celebrity idiot rags, bingo wings flapping in the breeze. At first I thought it was a sneak preview of some sort of fly on the wall peasant sneerumentary set on one of the more alarming council schemes. And to think Courtney Love once had a trust fund.

Righty ho I'm off to guzzle some sudan1 laced chips then get drunk and fight someone.

Hi I'm Shallow.
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Fabulous Friend- The Fieldmice
Topic: Trivia
An Outrage! An Outrage! Yes reader my blood is boiling. I am mad with rage. I am of course referring to the redesigned smarties tube or 'hexatube'. Yes at the tender age of twenty-nine I am saying with a straight face 'why can't they leave things alone'. I should have smelt a rat when they brought out all manner of wrong and unnatural smarties (fruity,giant,spooky etc)

I am too distressed to comment on what they've done to poor Bugs Bunny.

On to more serious matters(ahem). The impending nuptials of Rod Hull's mother and the future king of the pathetic tatters of the British Empire (where the sun never set because God didn't trust the British in the dark). Not for the first time I find myself hooting at killjoy feminist boiler Julie Bindel,her latest mad claim is that contrary to all visual evidence Camilla Parker Bowles is 'sexy'. I am then struck by the bizarre reaction to the impending wedding taking place in a registry office. Why is everyone carrying on like they've been forced to marry in a public convenience? Other than that my thoughts are as follows 1. How much will this pointless farce cost the taxpayer? and 2. Lets all hope the whole event is disrupted by hate fueled Diana crazies pelting the gruesome couple with stale bread rolls.

Finally Lisa I'Anson.Never has one human being been so conceited about so little.

Anyway I'm off to watch Eastenders and get excited about Nathan Barley later on channel 4. So until next time remember It's all good babe.

Im Back
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Hatful of Hollow- The Smiths
Topic: Hiya
Yes finally after a whole raft of pc problems I am back. I cannot imagine how you've coped without me.
I have news and updates which I shall discuss in more detail in my next entry. In the meantime Hello to my devoted reader Mr Alisdair.

O' Dear Lord I Am so Very Lonely.
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: What You Waiting For-Gwen Stefani
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone
Bored,bored,bored. Frisky beyond belief. The batteries are flat on my sex toys, and talented as my own fingers are, they don't exhibit much in the way of unpredictable behaviour. Ah these torturous longings.

Still onto more serious matters, the tsunami- we spend six billion on reducing Iraq to a pile of rubble and fifty-million on aid to victims of the tsunami. Am I alone in being puzzled? It's almost as if middle class feminists and their maniacal set of priorities have taken over.

Festive Hell Continues
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: My Perogative-Britney Spears
Topic: Dear God I am so bored.
Christmas Day. Forgive me, It's hard to talk about.
My mothers appaling racism, My mothers appalling cooking. Dear God, please tell me I was a switched baby. I did not recive the presents I wanted which were a trip to Amsterdam,#11,000 and liposuction. Yes reader I have grown fat -All accross the Third World, people weep with empathy. Any advice on diets would be much appreciated.

I am thinking of adding a paypal begging bowl to the site to free me from debt, despair and flab. Then who knows -a career in whoredom awaits.

My Dull Festive Season.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Michael-Franz Ferdinand
Topic: Band Aid
I regret to inform my millions of avid readers that I have no scandal to report from the office party. Even the office paedo behaved. I have little evidence for calling this man a paedo, but plenty to suggest he his a sex pest and rapist. According to my work colleagues he has a 'heart of gold'. Hmmmm that is as maybe, but it's not impossible that the rapist-murderer loves the defiled corpse.

Moving on. I was forced to undergo the annual horror that is Christmas shopping today. I left the house at 11am and couldn't get home until three. Needless to say the twits hampered my journey.I did have the good fortune to witness the Band Aid video today. The moment when the overpaid pop stars turn to the video screens showing scenes of starvation, blinking back tears and looking solemn is priceless.

I see that number six on my all time favorite people list ie Tommy Sheridan was excluded from the SSP night out at Arta. Well all I can say is that Rosie and pals should enjoy the money and good hols while they last as their petty puritanical behaviour is likely to get them sacked come the next election.

I will now retire to the bed with a much loved Jackie Collins book. I would like it to be known at this point that my favourite book of all time is Against Nature by Huysmans, so I'm not a total plank. I just have periodic philistine moments.

I have also just discovered that my spellcheck is a yank. It's hard to know what to say.

Morrissey
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: What the Moon Saw-The Band of Holy Joy
Topic: I feel quite giddy.
I went to see Morrissey supported by PJ Harvey at the SECC on Monday night. The Peej (or that lesbian to my mum-I know you can't choose you parents) was on fine form but hampered by shite sound.Then Morrissey appeared dressed as a priest of all things. I always wondered what a male Madonna would look like. Now I know. I must admit to having experienced some impure thoughts during the performance. A great evening.
On the work front I hosted my first training session and have formed the opinion that one of my trainees is unbalanced. The random interjections, the giggling and rolling eyes are, I feel clues.
But the best news of all is that Davis Blunkett has resigned. HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA! I feel about 2/3 of the euphoria I felt when Thatcher resigned. If his dog went rabid and attacked his baws I could probably go to Thatcher resignation euphoria levels.
Anyway its the obligatory office party this Friday with an M&S buffet no less. I shall of course report all scandal.

Family newsletters
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: O Brother, Where art Thou?-Soundtrack -various
Topic: Baffled
I see from todays Guardian that the sending of family newsletters at Christmas now seems to be common practice. From what I can gather people send these letters mainly to boast about the achievements of their disgusting, pointless children, their holidays and whine about their health. I can honestly say I have never received such an item. Who are these people? Is this an English thing? A posh thing? What?
Still on the subject of todays Guardian, Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn column is on top form. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in my suspicion that 90% of the population are barely sentient morons.