Im Back
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Hatful of Hollow- The Smiths
Topic: Hiya
Yes finally after a whole raft of pc problems I am back. I cannot imagine how you've coped without me.
I have news and updates which I shall discuss in more detail in my next entry. In the meantime Hello to my devoted reader Mr Alisdair.

O' Dear Lord I Am so Very Lonely.
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: What You Waiting For-Gwen Stefani
Topic: Alone, Alone, Alone
Bored,bored,bored. Frisky beyond belief. The batteries are flat on my sex toys, and talented as my own fingers are, they don't exhibit much in the way of unpredictable behaviour. Ah these torturous longings.

Still onto more serious matters, the tsunami- we spend six billion on reducing Iraq to a pile of rubble and fifty-million on aid to victims of the tsunami. Am I alone in being puzzled? It's almost as if middle class feminists and their maniacal set of priorities have taken over.

Festive Hell Continues
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: My Perogative-Britney Spears
Topic: Dear God I am so bored.
Christmas Day. Forgive me, It's hard to talk about.
My mothers appaling racism, My mothers appalling cooking. Dear God, please tell me I was a switched baby. I did not recive the presents I wanted which were a trip to Amsterdam,#11,000 and liposuction. Yes reader I have grown fat -All accross the Third World, people weep with empathy. Any advice on diets would be much appreciated.

I am thinking of adding a paypal begging bowl to the site to free me from debt, despair and flab. Then who knows -a career in whoredom awaits.

My Dull Festive Season.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Michael-Franz Ferdinand
Topic: Band Aid
I regret to inform my millions of avid readers that I have no scandal to report from the office party. Even the office paedo behaved. I have little evidence for calling this man a paedo, but plenty to suggest he his a sex pest and rapist. According to my work colleagues he has a 'heart of gold'. Hmmmm that is as maybe, but it's not impossible that the rapist-murderer loves the defiled corpse.

Moving on. I was forced to undergo the annual horror that is Christmas shopping today. I left the house at 11am and couldn't get home until three. Needless to say the twits hampered my journey.I did have the good fortune to witness the Band Aid video today. The moment when the overpaid pop stars turn to the video screens showing scenes of starvation, blinking back tears and looking solemn is priceless.

I see that number six on my all time favorite people list ie Tommy Sheridan was excluded from the SSP night out at Arta. Well all I can say is that Rosie and pals should enjoy the money and good hols while they last as their petty puritanical behaviour is likely to get them sacked come the next election.

I will now retire to the bed with a much loved Jackie Collins book. I would like it to be known at this point that my favourite book of all time is Against Nature by Huysmans, so I'm not a total plank. I just have periodic philistine moments.

I have also just discovered that my spellcheck is a yank. It's hard to know what to say.

Morrissey
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: What the Moon Saw-The Band of Holy Joy
Topic: I feel quite giddy.
I went to see Morrissey supported by PJ Harvey at the SECC on Monday night. The Peej (or that lesbian to my mum-I know you can't choose you parents) was on fine form but hampered by shite sound.Then Morrissey appeared dressed as a priest of all things. I always wondered what a male Madonna would look like. Now I know. I must admit to having experienced some impure thoughts during the performance. A great evening.
On the work front I hosted my first training session and have formed the opinion that one of my trainees is unbalanced. The random interjections, the giggling and rolling eyes are, I feel clues.
But the best news of all is that Davis Blunkett has resigned. HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA! I feel about 2/3 of the euphoria I felt when Thatcher resigned. If his dog went rabid and attacked his baws I could probably go to Thatcher resignation euphoria levels.
Anyway its the obligatory office party this Friday with an M&S buffet no less. I shall of course report all scandal.

Family newsletters
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: O Brother, Where art Thou?-Soundtrack -various
Topic: Baffled
I see from todays Guardian that the sending of family newsletters at Christmas now seems to be common practice. From what I can gather people send these letters mainly to boast about the achievements of their disgusting, pointless children, their holidays and whine about their health. I can honestly say I have never received such an item. Who are these people? Is this an English thing? A posh thing? What?
Still on the subject of todays Guardian, Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn column is on top form. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in my suspicion that 90% of the population are barely sentient morons.

A very good week.
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: This is a Test-Wendy James
Topic: A triumphant week
It is not often I have cause to say I am happy but this week has been a belter. I had a very nice meal at La Tasca on Wednesday with someone whose identity I am unable to reveal, not because any of you would have heard of them but because they are mad and paranoid.
I was representing a fellow at a benefit tribunal today and won which cheered up everyone concerned up no end.
Then to my enormous surprise I received an e-mail from Tommy Sheridan. I had e-mailed him some time ago about recent unfortunate events and hadn't really expected a response. He assures me that he will expose the NOTW for the lying bastards they are. I should point out that he typed bastards as b......s. I am now more certain than ever that he is innocent -a man who can't even swear properly via e-mail is incapable of attending an orgy.

I'm rich.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Up All Night- Razorlight
Topic: My wages arrived
Merciful Jesus I have now been paid. Yet more exciting I saw a very harassed, hunted looking Tommy Sheridan on the subway the other night.Jealousy is
indeed a terrible thing.
On a brighter note I have been assigned a refugee to look after. They are looking to go on a photography course. If anyone knows of any freebies, please let me know.

Poverty and my feet are killing me.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb-U2
Topic: Skint
I got up with a spring in my step this morning as today is the holiest day of my month -payday. Upon getting to the cash point I discovered to my horror that my wages were not in. I had a grant total of 18 pence to my name. As a result I learned that it takes one hour and fifty minutes to walk from my house to my work. And what an attractive journey that is, passing through Haghill on foot being the highlight. Honestly I was close to tears by the time I got to Easterhouse. A work colleague very kindly slipped me a tenner although I don't actually know where my salary is or when I'm getting my mitts on it. Boing go the direct debits, rumble goes my stomach. My feet are horribly blistered and I feel like the Little Mermaid -every step on earth is agony. However I may have been saved by a rather unlikely source. I received an e-mail this evening from someone acting on behalf of exiled former president of Liberia Charles Taylor offering me quarter of a million pounds in exchange for a few personal details. Apart from the obvious ethical dimension -I don't accept blood money in quantities of less than one million, How fucking stupid do these people think I am?

Ongoing SSP drama/ Caught by the Fuzz.
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Motorcycle Emptiness-The Manic Street Preachers
Topic: The ongoing Scandal.
It has been brought to my attention by a popular Scottish broadsheet that a crisis meeting of the SSP is to take place at the John Mclean centre. Nice to see the party continuing to keep its members up to date by telling only a small group of activists. I have to say I feel very let down. I suppose the party exec are concerned that if the meeting were open to the wider membership a riot would ensue with irate socialists demanding Tommys immediate reinstatement. Most disappointing of all is the petty puritanism of the parliamentary group. Nobody outside the gutter press actually cares about Tommy Sheridans personal affairs and it would be nice if those responsible for this debacle would acknowledge that. They may also wish to explain how it is consistent that a party opposed to discrimination
against gays and lesbians can justify sacking someone on the basis of accusations about their sex life.

On an entirely different subject I met a trio of policemen today at work. I was petrified. There is something about authority that instantly makes me feel guilty. Mercifully the meeting passed without incident and I was delighted to note the Sergeant was rather plump which lent him an air of authority.

On to yet more trivial matters. Does anyone know why the rulers of U.K television persist in showing umpteen episodes of each soap every week the minute it looks like people are enjoying it? It is as if they say to themselves 'Well we have a nice top quality twice weekly show here getting good ratings, lets ruin it and show it every night and see how long it takes the public to notice they are watching total shite' It's evil! The only way I would watch five episodes of Coronation St in a week would be if they brought back my heroine Julie Goodyear aka Bet Lynch. Yes I know it's been tried but I remain convinced it could work.